One Fabulously Glamorous Evening

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 by

The elevator door opened on a veritable army of servants standing at attention. We were ushered into a grand, cathedral-like space. At the far end, in a dramatic pool of light stood Laura, breathtaking in a floor length black beaded gown, dripping with diamonds and drinking Champagne out of a Louboutin pump.

"Darlings, you simply must try the caviar!" she called out, as her manservants hoisted her on their bare shoulders and silently traversed the length of the space, gently depositing her in front of us. "It's simply divine! Would you like a diamond?"

Okay, none of that actually happened but we suspect some of you were fooled for a second, weren't you?

Let's backtrack.

In typical Laura fashion, the email was blunt and to the point: "Guys, call me." This was unexpected. We'd been emailing back and forth since about midway through the season when she dropped us a line to let us know how much she enjoyed the blog. She told us that she and Camilla laughed over the salt and pepper joke and that her husband had been walking around quoting the Ode to Tim. This led to a several-times-weekly email exchange consisting mostly of quip-trading. We suspect she missed the big gay dishiness of Robert and Kayne and we were their less telegenic replacements.


So, after a minute or two of "What do you think this is about?" we bit the bullet and dialed her number. The sound of screaming children in the background confirmed that we dialed correctly. Again, in typical Laura fashion, she got right into it, over the screams of her possibly dying progeny. Seriously, they sounded like they were on fire. "Listen, I put you on the list for the TRESemme finale party next week and...SHUT UP!!!!! (momentary reduction of background screaming) ... I already RSVP'd for you so you just have to show up." There was no question that we would be going. Thrilled, we thanked her, hung up and immediately raided our closets for an impromptu fashion show of potential outfits while simultaneously calling all our friends to cancel the planned finale party (and rub it in their faces just a little).

But oh, kittens, it didn't stop there. The next day she dropped us a line inviting us to come to her place beforehand and hang out for a bit. Score!

Look, believe it or not, one thing the PRGayBoys are not are starfuckers. Seriously. Ninety-nine percent of the time, we think celebrities of all levels are silly people who don't deserve any more attention than the occasional compliment of whatever work they produced. We were excited about meeting Laura (and equally excited to meet her husband, Peter) not because she's enjoying a certain fame right now, not because she's dripping with diamonds and lives in a space that causes brain-salivating for every design queen out there. No, we were excited because we think she's fabulous and creative and witty and intelligent and above anything else, interesting. Getting to spend time in Chez Bennett-Shelton only proved the point.

If you think Laura lives some sort of Park Avenue socialite kind of life, you couldn't be further from the truth. She is ridiculously laid back and down to earth. Warm and complimentary, funny and blunt. The very first thing she said to us was "See? The place isn't that impressive," to which we replied "Oh. Shut. Up." To be honest, it's not nearly the vast space that it seems to be on TV. It's huge, no doubt about it, but for four children and two adults? Not as huge as you think.

That isn't to say the place isn't beautiful though. It has (if we can be forgiven for a Vincent-ism) an arty quality to it, with shabbily gorgeous antique pieces blended with modern, practical ones. You've all seen the portraits.


The woman on the right is Peter's mother.


And we immediately recognized this one as Laura's mother. The three portraits are lined up, a defiant burst of womanhood in the middle of an endless sausage party.

She introduced us to her 4 sons. The older two were playing on the computer with some friends and paid us about as much interest as you'd expect for a kid that age. Besides, we can only imagine how bored they are by gay men complimenting their mother. The two younger boys were running around like maniacs, howling, laughing and splashing excess testosterone all over the place. Toys, paper, and little-boy detritus of all kinds littered the room. Laura and Peter never even noticed the chaos. They just sat down with us and talkedtalkedtalked right over the noise.

We barely left their living area the whole time we were there, the four of us just chatting our heads off. They are completely unpretentious. Peter sat on the floor munching on spring rolls and complimenting us to the point that we were embarassed. We seriously had to resist the urge to run to the bathroom, call one of our design fags and urgently hiss "Peter Shelton just called us geniuses!"

Peter is (no surprise) a character, by the way. At one point we were talking with Laura when we looked over. He was literally climbing the furniture, dangling about 5 feet off the floor. Laura didn't bat an eye, asking calmly "Honey, what are you doing?" He was reaching for the (much asked about) "Laura on a stick" that you can see in the first pic. It was part of a prop for the Bravo premiere party, a giant pin cushion with the head of each designer on the pins. He stole the Laura one and wanted us to pose with it so Bravo could see it.

Peter pulled out a binder of Laura's blog clippings including our Ginger Grant one and the salt and pepper joke. How ridiculously flattering. We of course dished about the show and the designers and we of course are not going to relate that conversation here. Sorry, bitches.

Laura made a point to show us how she doesn't even bother to have nice things anymore because it's pointless raising soon-to-be 5 boys, so she wisely just turned the space over to them for the time being. You've all seen the hanging chairs and punching bags, the row upon row of storage baskets and the wide open spaces for playing. What you didn't see was the hand-lettered sign on the toilet reminding occupants to LIFT THE SEAT and the unmistakable evidence that at least some of them can't read yet.

All good things must end and we eventually had to go because Bravo had sent a driver and it was getting late and Laura felt terrible about making him wait outside. She even called him at one point to ask him if he wanted anything.

As we were leaving, Laura said "This visit's not over." She was right. The next morning, bleary-eyed, we stopped over again for coffee and took a ton of pics, all of which you're going to have to wait until tomorrow to see. Suck it, bitches.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

HATE you, mean it!

Andreas said...

Officially. Dead. From. Jealousy.

I very much hope she's going to be richer and famous soon just to reinstate some of my faith in humanity.

Anonymous said...

''would you like a diamond?'' LMAO that is fucking great! --golbeth

Anonymous said...

aiiieeee!

so. fracking. jealous.

but if anyone deserves such an evening, it's y'all.

SassyGinger said...

Shut. Up. Well if it couldnt be me, Im glad it was you guys. BTW, T&L for some reason I had this really weird dream that you guys went shoe shopping with Laura. Whatever that means. Cant wait to read more!

(btw, I love Peter the more I hear about him)

SassyGinger said...

oh yeah. And I'm stealing that black velvet coat!

patsystone said...

Starfuckers! HA! I am so happy for you, yet perfectly green with envy. MORE, MORE!!!

Bill said...

"we were their less telegenic replacements"

Baloney, Boys. Now that I've met you both I can say that's absolutely not true. You're both adorable and Kayne & Robert have nothing over you.

I started to fall for the entrance story. I wanted it to be true. I thought I even heard music and a fanfare...

I love when you tell us to "Suck it, bitches." It makes me feel like a puppy that has just been swatted on the nose with a newspaper but will come bounding right back for more, tongue out, prancing with delight.

Can't wait for tomorrow.

patsystone said...

By the way, I know that I'm just another poster with an anonymous face and NOT a world renowned architect or his fabulously glamorous, talented wife...but I think you're geniuses, too. No shit.

Bill said...

Oh - Laura's mother's portrait - stunning. Belongs in a museum.

And the giant Laura-headed pin: The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that Lorenzo had made a "Laura mask-on-a-stick" for your meeting with Bad Mommy. I kept checking the store to see if it Laura masks would go up for sale. You should mass produce them and sell them as fans at steamy Pride events in June.

Have you received any Halloween pictures of people dressed as Laura? I think a contest is in order.

Gigi said...

I am green with envy! Peter and Laura seem totally delightful and a perfect match!

Anonymous said...

What a great story! I love Laura more all the time. You guys are so lucky!

However, I'm green with envy and green is a terrible color for me... must. get. over. this. ;-)

nomnomnom said...

OMG. So. Much. Envy.

Laura is definitely the #1 aspirational figure in my life right now.

Lisette said...

You two are CRUEL. As in teasing, taunting, dominatrix/submissive, ohh, I'm getting all confused just thinking about it.

I adore Peter Shelton and thought he was cute before I ever even knew who Laura was. But then I've always had a thing for mad scientist/ architect types, hence the mad scientist husband.

I loved knowing that Laura's house is just as insane as mine, now AI feel better.

Anonymous said...

Damn you! Damn you both to hell!

Hugs,
BG

personette said...

this story was like porno to me.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. I can die happy now. And yeah, brieanne, Laura is SO the most aspirational figure in my life now. WWLD is like my frickin' motto.

Anonymous said...

Wow!! Thanks for sharing, Guys! And yes I was fooled going into your 1st paragraph ("Dayum-- line of butlers-- don't hate her-- she's really cool-- AHHHHHH--LOL!" leg officially pulled!). La Laura, butlers, diamonds or not, is truly the winner of PR-- showing her true "mad skillz" on a world stage and having Fab Honeys like you 2 on her side!

PS: Any dish on who bought her gorgeous threads? I'd bet dollars to donuts you 2 know who "baddaddy" is! ;)

Anonymous said...

She is so fucking good at painting. She has more talent in one vermillion fingernail than is contained in the entire state of Rhode Island.

Anonymous said...

"We of course dished about the show and the designers and we of course are not going to relate that conversation here."

But you are going to tell us, right?

Kelicious said...

J-E-A-L-O-U-S!!!!

Honestly though, I'm sure you guys had a fantastic time and I'm so happy for your both that your talent and wit is much appreciated by not only your audience, but by your subject matter as well.

Congratulation - but I'm still jealous ;)

DolceLorenzo said...

""Darlings, you simply must try the caviar!" she called out, as her manservants hoisted her on their bare shoulders and silently traversed the length of the space, gently depositing her in front of us. "It's simply divine! Would you like a diamond?""

OH.MY.GOD. I cannot stop laughing. That is HILARIOUS! I LOVE LOVE this woman.

Thank you so much for this post. Your writing is amazing.

Aww said...

See, I read that whole thing and what I came away with was, "Would it hurt a Louboutin pump to drink champagne out of it?"

Anonymous said...

"The three portraits are lined up, a defiant burst of womanhood in the middle of an endless sausage party."

As the only female in an otherwise all male household, endless sausage party is the perfect, fitting bon mot.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Funny, I was wondering the same thing about drinking champagne from the pump. Ha!

Okay, you saw her bathroom -- did you look in her CLOSET?

Linda Merrill said...

Laura is TOTALLY my personal icon now! I had a WWLD post on my blog a couple of weeks ago. And now, I'm off to finish my chenille brocade jacket that I've been working on. All that's left is the lining. WWLD! Finish the damn thing and be done with it!!!

Love you guys!

Vic said...

I detest waiting. You two are consummate teasers.

eric3000 said...

Thank you for letting us live vicariously through you!

Thombeau said...

So dreams really DO come true!!!

Anonymous said...

Aside from the final photo and "Fuck yeah" caption in "Laurology", the "Koo koo ka choo, Mrs. Bennett" post was my all time fave. The boys at their absolute best. Fuck yeah.

James Derek Dwyer said...

I managed to get all the shiraz into me before it came out my nose reading this... last night I had a dream that Laura (pregant and worried about the Others) and Uli were on the island with Jack and Kate and Sawyer. Uli was making dresses on the beach. Wednesday TV nights are beginning to rot my brain!

Sewhat? said...

Blessings on you for sharing.

Did you bring home any turtle poop for the PR shrine? You know, something to put next to the Tim Gunn Bobblehead?

Anonymous said...

Of course bitches, you are geniuses. Went from 0-60 in about 1.1 seconds.
Died and went to envy heaven. But I can take more, coz I am a cat with nine lives.
You have to make another trip back to the billion$loft and snark about the final collection. How many pieces did Mr. Laura Bennett, Peter Shelton, oh yes, Bad Daddy buy from the auction?

Loveyamean it T&L, Bad Daddy and Bad Mommy. (really Bad Daddy you are still more famous than Laura)

Anonymous said...

I am in love with the portraits. The one of Laura's mom is amazing, and the one of Laura herself reminds me of a Romaine Brooks painting, except less abrasive.

/art history major rambling

Vic said...

Laura's mother was absofabulously gorgeous. She's still hot, but, oh, when she was young!

Anonymous said...

Laura's mother painting is really beautiful. Thank you for posting it, guys.

And "would you like a diamond?" I am ROFL. Pure genius!

Anonymous said...

ok - you definitely gotta give up the goods on all the dish youve been getting... inquiring bitches demand it!

ps - so jealous i could spit! next time, youre packing a spycam...

Anonymous said...

Did you see the diamond studded home theatre screen and 32-car garage like my Uncle Trey Gates?

Did you see pet Salty, the croc from Australia Zoo?

What that was a South Park/Mychael moment? Sorry...

Anonymous said...

Tom and Laura have got to be related. The resemblance is amazing

katiecoo said...

How can you top fabulous? Extreme Fabulosity - Loft Edition?

You guys...I'm telling you. All good things get rewarded. Instant karma. And all that jazz.

CHEERS!!!!

katiecoo said...

PS. That first pic is my screen saver and has been since right after the finale. Suck it bitches! (did I just write that?)

Anonymous said...

This post absolutely made my long-ass work day worth it...thank-you! I'm still jealous...and I want more! lol...can't wait to see more pics! (and read more dish...there has to be more you can tell us!!)

Anonymous said...

you bitches.

I say that in the most envious, jealous, but loving way possible. :-)

The Scarlett said...

I think each Louboutin pump is designed as an alternative champagne vessel. The heels are really hollow and make the perfect flute.

You are totally telegenic, kittens.

(BTW, loved the 'would you like a diamond?' phrase. Spot on!)

SassyGinger said...

"Listen, I put you on the list for the TRESemme finale party next week and...SHUT UP!!!!! (momentary reduction of background screaming)

Was she talking to the kids or the two of you? ;)

Anonymous said...

you mentioned how "laid back" laura was....well sure she was (is), she's from the south!

i, too, had a dream about laura and peter (although i was to embarassed to say anything before...) but, laura and peter were living across the street from me. they had a 3 bedroom bungalow with one bath. the vinyl siding was in desperate need of a power washing. there was a buick roadmaster station wagon parked in the yard. peter (in seersucker shorts and white tube socks) snoozed in a porch swing. a black lab mix was tied to a crepe myrtle. her four boys were raking my front yard. at one point laura emerged from the house wearing the lace and pants outfit, looking perfectly polished. she stood on the front porch and lazily gazed out at the street. she opened her perfect red mouth and yelled...."it's grits and chops boys". fini

i think i am in luv with this icon of fabulousity.

Anonymous said...

I am absolutely OBSESSED with your blog! It has become my new religion! Sort of.

Did you see the interview with Laura in the Washington Post?

Anonymous said...

I thought the one in the oven was #6?

Anonymous said...

"We of course dished about the show and the designers and we of course are not going to relate that conversation here. Sorry, bitches."

-- Well, jeez, boys. Why even tell us, then? That's just mean!

Anonymous said...

jlp said...
I thought the one in the oven was #6?
------------------------------------
It is. Laura's oldest is 18 and must be in college or living on her own.

SassyGinger said...

come on boys. Its been 24 hours! Im having withdrawl symptoms! More please! (sorry, its been a long day at work)

SassyGinger said...

You didn't take a picture of respected architect Peter Shelton scaling the furniture?