This is the Natalie coat from Emmett McCarthy's Holiday collection. Gorgeous, yes? You should see it in person. Heidi owns one of these. It retails for $875. Would you like one?
Well, here's your shot! Darlings, OF COURSE we're going to ring out the old year and ring in the new one with a CONTEST! It's because we LOVE you all so very, that we're teaming with Miss Emmett McCarthy herself for our
NEW YEAR'S TOOTIE CAPTION CONTEST!
Readers, take a moment and gaze at these two pictures:
Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with an exchange of dialogue between Tim and Emmett here. The funniest one wins an EMC2 Natalie coat, in a size of their choosing from 2 -10. There's just one catch.
YOU HAVE TO USE THE WORD "TOOTIE" IN YOUR CAPTION.
Not so easy now, is it bitches? Well, get to it if you want that coat. Miss McCarthy herself will be putting her bitchpants on and joining us in choosing the winner. You have until 6 pm, EST on DECEMBER 30th to post your entries here. On New Year's Eve, somewhere in the midst of being fabulous, we will take a moment and post the winners as we raise our Champagne flutes in salute. Oh, and we haven't forgotten the Malan Bag contest. We'll post the winners of that on New Year's Eve as well. Darlings, who loves you and gets you fabulous swag?
[Photo: EMc2 - Screencaps: Project RunGay]
170 comments:
Hey Emmet! Tootie from Facts of Life called. She'd like her shirt back.
Don't make me kick your ass, Tim.
You guys rock!
Hey Emmett, we've decided to impound your penis and issue you a tootie for wearing that in public.
Yeah, because I'm the biggest queen on this sidewalk. Whatever.
Anne
"Natalie, Blair, and TOOTIE! With that top, girl you can make it work! But, Em, my dear the poof of those sleeves concerns me. It reminds me of Andre. . Andre. . hey Where IS Andre? Has any one seen Andre? Santino?"
"Tootie fruity freak. . ."
Tim: Oh Emmett, what did you do? Go out at 3AM looking for Tootie? One more decision like this & I'm going to bring my friend Veronica over to rifle through you underwear drawer. Hahahahahaha, snort. Sigh. Oh Jeeez Louise, I'm just messing with you. I'm such a card.
Emmett: Keep laughing you little head bobbing freak. Right now I'm picturing you 8 inches tall and sounding like a broken record.
--GothamTomato
Oh Emmett! You're Rootie Tootie Fresh & Fruity!
Don't make me stick a bobblehead up your ass, Tim.
"Designers, we'd like to inform you that Season One's Wendy Pepper has teamed up with Starr and Marla to create their Champions On Ice line for Winter 2007. I'm thrilled to see all of these creations, but Emmett, I'm very concerned about that vagina-colored top you're sporting. It's the equivalent of seeing Rachael's tootie when she wore Zulema's sweater dress. But Emmett, they made me do it. They're also making the judges auf you later for no reason, so now's the time to make it work!"
"3 a.m. ya fuck. You just watch your ass."
by the way, if I can't win, please give it to gothamtomato. The dialogue gothamtomato posted is fabulous.
Good luck all.
Emmet, darling, that outfit looks the uniform at the Greenwich Village IHOP. Busy selling rootie, tootie, fresh and fruity pancakes?
Tim, precious, ask for my table and I'll give you a senior's discount!
Come on people, you can surely do better than these. Think WITTY, not SICK!!! Unfortunately, since I haven't worn a size 10 since junior high school, I'll have to skip this contest. sigh
Tim: Why, Emmett, don't you look adorable in that cerise pirate blouse!
Emmett: Back off, Tim. It's not a blouse. It's a leotard. And I have two little snaps burrowing deeper into my tootie than Andrae into yours at 3 AM after the Red Lobster closes.
That coat is STUNNING. Emmett can really rock a coat! Hands down he makes the most beautiful coats I've ever seen.
Off to think, but not really hopeful ...
i should be so damn creative.
good luck bitches. i would love to own the coat, not that it would fit but still.
Tim: Hey, you in the pink--how much?
Em: 50 for the tootie, 100 for the booty.
Anne, you crack me up. :-)
I got nothing, except this:
"Tea for tootie, and tootie for tea. Pink for you and giggles for me."
"Broadway called. Don't quit your day job."
Tim:
"I don't know about the hat, but that hot pink really compliments the tip of your tootie."
Emmett:
"Come on.
You love the hat."
Tim: Oh, Tootie, you're wearing my favorite outfit!
Emmett: I thought I told you not to call me that in public...
Tim: "Now designers, after you leave the Bluefly Accessory Wall, and the Tresseme Hair Salon, you'll have 15 minutes at the IHOP Rootie Tootie Fresh 'n Fruity Syrup Stop to complete your own looks as inspired by popular breakfast foods. Emmett, since you won last week's challenge, you'll get extra whipped cream."
Emmett: "Finally! Menswear!"
Tim: Emmett! How courageous of you to consider wearing that ode to Schiaparelli's 'Shocking Pink'!
Emmett: Ugh! Get me out of this thing before I go all Tonya Harding on your tootie!
Tim: Looking good, Tootie Fruity.
Emmet: Tell me something I don't know.
In honor of the holidays:
Tim: Don we now our gay apparel..."
Emmett: I wouldn't talk if I were you. You can give the Sugar Plum Fairy a rootie-tootie run for her money.
Tim: Hey Mary, when I said I would pick you up out front, I would give the horn a little tootie when I got there.
Emmett: Oh my stars, I thought you said wear something fruity!
Tim: Emmett, you are such a cutie-pa-TOOTIE.
Emmett: I know.
Tim: Hey Ms Thing, what the fuck are you wearing?
Emmett:Hello! It's facts of life day, and I am Tootie.
Tim: "Emmet, they made me do it. I know it's pink. I know it shows your tootie-"
Emmet: "That'll be the last time I hear someone say that word, right?"
Tim: Emmett, my little tootie, did anyone ever tell you that you are a vision in pink?
Emmett: Kiss my ass, Tim. You wouldn’t be so smug if the producers made YOU dress up like an Easter Peep.
~Melanie
I don't know which I'm more appalled by: the hat, the pimp glasses or those god-awful neon pink puff sleeves.
I'm making it work, Tim, Tootie-The-Pimp-style. Yo. Word to yo mutha, girlfriend.
Tim: Oh, please tell me I don't have to walk down the street with THIS. I'd rather walk with Laura flashing her whole friggin tootie. Even you can't make this work, Emmett.
Emmett: What? The hat? Is the hat too much? It's the hat, isn't it?
T-"Oh dear. That looks a little like Boy George's community service outfit. And what IS that smell?"
E-"George and I are meeting for drinks in a few. And I left you a little tootie. Cheers!"
Emmet, I know I told you to "make it work," but last night you were a little hard on my tootie!
Yeah, well that's what you get for another bad mistake at 3 AM!
jeffrey brian, you just caused me to spit coffee on my screen. Brilliant!
Tim: Emmett? Was that you? I haven't heard such a loud tootie since my latest 3 a.m. mistake!
Emmett: Tim, this spandex is so tight that if I'd tootied in it, I'd have blown up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. Now, is that a bobblehead in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
I thought this might be too vulgar to print... but after reading some of the others- We are a pretty crude bunch.
Tim: Jesus, Emmett, was that you?
Emmett: Tootie, pooted.
Tim: Oh, I'd toot that tootie 'till 3 am.
Emmett: Do not go there, my female companion!
So in the mood for IHOP now....
Tim: That tootie-colored shirt is just so incongruous with that hat. Let's see you with just the hat.
Emmett: Only if you put in a good word for me with Anne Slowey.
Emmett, is it cold out here? Your nipples say yes, but your eyes say something else entirely. What does the tootie say?
That someone's looking for a smacked bottom. One more word and I'll go all Carmen Miranda on your ass. Just because my clothes are skin tight doesn't mean I can't pull fruit from some amazing places when provoked.
And do we drink every time someone around here uses the word Tootie or when Ricky cries? Or both??
Tim: Frankly, Emmett, I don't give a damn how fine your tootie looks in that pink horror!
Emmett: Oh, Tim, you bitch, whatever shall I do? Well, tomorrow there WILL be another tootie!!!
with apologies to Margaret Mitchell, Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh
Tim: Oh Emmett, you look ridiculous. I thought after our discussion last week you would reign in on this flamboyancy a bit. It’s bad enough you were wearing a pair of Angela’s tootie pants last week. Now this.
Emmett: Don’t be such a damn fuddy-duddy. I look the shit. C’mon, let’s go to Red Lobster.
I'm a longtime lurker, but I love that coat. So here goes.
Tim: Emmet, you are a vision in pink spandex. A cutie patootie. The tootie in tootie frutie. A tootie frutie cutie patootie...
Emmet: Please Tim, that's entirely too much tootie. I wonder if I'll ever hear those words again...
Tim: Oh, Emmett...I'm afraid your ensemble exudes neither quality nor taste--not to mention style. It's a whole lotta look!
Emmett: Tim, you know I got stuck with this atrocity because the producers knew I was the only designer tall and good-looking enough to pull it off without looking like a big tootie!
Wendy
Hmm. I'm sure this can't compete with the bluer entries, especially stufsocker and jeffrey_bryan, but here goes:
Tim: Designers, our next challenge involves making an outfit for the lead dancer of the off-off-broadway show, "Diamond Dogs of Day-glo", a series of interpretave dance vignettes portraying the rave scene of the early '90's. This design is not only to incorporate a day-glo color scheme, but also evoke the e-fueled mood of a rave. To help you understand the nature of this challenge, we've spiked your morning coffee and have had you dress accordingly. We're now off to a rehearsal space to help you "feel" the colors....
Emmett: The world (and the producers) can just suck my tootie!
my favorite is Dan's.
Okay, I can't resist:
Tim: Why Emmett! You look like you just landed the role of Guillermo in the new Peter Sellars production of "Cosi Fan Tootie"!
Emmett: No, I'm Dorabella, bitch!
Oops, I meant rein, not reign.
Stunning Emmet, but such a true travesty that they were able to mitigate the ample proportions of your Tootie!
Congrats boys on the exposure. You have arrived (again). My stab at being funny:
Tim: Oh Emmett. I come and pick you up tootie-off at my Country Club and you're wearing THAT?
Emmett: Oh Tim, eating tootie in all the wrong places, but nobody at the Country Club can know you're gay? Hypocrite!
Tim: Faggott!
Emmett: I love you to, Tim.
"No, really, Emmett, on you that looks...oh sweet Jesus, who are we kidding here? You look like ass."
"Tootie, Tim. I'd rather everyone just call it 'tootie.' " <== tragic foreshadowing
Tim:
Designers, the beauty of a good blazer is that you can play with your tootie in public and no-one will be the wiser. Observe....
Emmett:
Ahhhh, Tim...making it work at 3 in the afternoon again I see. Carry on.
Tim: Good gravy! Emmett, what are you doing dressed as if your auditioning for Circus of the Stars?
Emmett: Well, I figured if Saleisha could win (ANTM) by stealing Tootie's haircut, the least I could take was her skate-tard.
"Hey Pink Thang, want to make some 3 a.m. decisions in the back of my Saturn Sky Roadster?"
"Oh you ain't ready for this tootie!"
***
And tell that boy Emmett to go rustle up some 12's!
Oh my, Emmett, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying out for the character of Tootie the Gay Gondolier for Disney on Ice.
Oh, Tim, everyone knows that nothing about Disney is gay.
Tim: Oh, Emmett! You look stunning... but you know what that outfit needs?
Emmett: If you say anything involving the word "tootie" I'm going to have to bitch slap you.
"Emmett, don't bore Nina! Shake your bootie, not your tootie."
I want that coat!
"Stunning, Emmet. Just stunning. My tootie is positively tingling."
"Tim, are you referring to my shirt, or the fact that I'm not wearing any pants?"
Tim: I have NEVER made a decision as bad as your ensemble, even at 3 am!
Emmett: I bet it still gets me a little tootie tonight!
My god, what happened to Andrae?
Jesus, Tim, I try to get your tootie up with the tightest shirt I could find in Kara's closet, and you still want the bug-eyed bald crybaby?? Don't you want MY lobster??
Tim:
He's a ...
(kick! -- annnnd -- turn fast!)
rootin' tootin'
high-falutin'
(jazz hands! jazz hands!)
son of a Gunn
(that's me!)
from Arrrri...
Emmett:
No need to make a song and dance out of it. I'll leave the hat at home.
-- desertwind
Hey Mac, you've got a tut much tootie in that
tutu!
Tahhh.......
Tim: Lovely Christmas display, Emmett. Well done!
Emmett: Tank oo, Tib. I doa like tootie by own horn, but --
Tim: Wha???
Emmett: I hab a cold, Tib. Neber shoulda give away my coat.
-- desertwind
Tim: I'm concerned, Emmett. Remember that this season's tootie is next season's ass.
Emmett: Pink will nevah die!
Don't know what I want
But I know how to get it
I wanna destroy the passerby.
'Cause I -- wanna be -- Anarchy
Destroy.
-- desertwind
Tim:
My GOD Emmett- what the hell went on during the runway judging? Anne Slowey ran out of the building mumbling something about Sasha and vulgarity!
Emmett:
Tiiiiim....you didn't know Anne is a lesbian? She's just mad because I mitigated Sasha's tootie!
Tim:
How much is that tootie in the window?
The one with the waggedy tail?
Emmett:
Look, buddy. I gave you a dollar. Now, fuck off!
-- desertwind
Tim:
Tootie! Tootie! Tootie!
Emmett:
Fuck off, Tim.
-- desertwind
Tim:
Got a pal named Emmett,
He's got a rude soubriquet!
Oh, Tootie. Oh, Rudie.
Oh, Tootie!
Emmett:
Santino. Fuck off!
Tim: I can't want you to succeed more than you do. Especially in that shirt.
Emmett: Like you didn't pick it out. And don't tell me to make it work. I'm going to go get some fabric at Mood and design an outfit so hot Anne Slowey will be seeing some real tootie!
Tim: "I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spouuu . . . . Emmet, I have to say that's a lott'a look."
Emmet: Not that I'm complaining, but it's so tight I've discovered my own Tootie.
Tim: I feel so dowdy in my depressing dark blue/ black “PC” NYC menswear. How can I stop being the MOB and feel that I am happy TOO
Emmet: TIE on some hot pink spandex, a fedora and a pair of Ray-Bans and you will look like the thrift store version of Desi Arnaz at Babalu meets Carmen Miranda meets Angelina Jolie on a "puffy eyes" morning...
"Those puff sleeves and Bouvier pink look like a bad mistake made at 3 a.m."
"But Tim, you never had tootie this good."
Tim: Emmett, what are you doing in that dress that Chloe dropped from her final collection? Well, I’m glad that you and Grace are making the most of your clothes-sharing arrangement.
Emmett: Hey Tim, why have you shrunk to munchkin size? You can be our newest ToteGay. People can tote your tootie around in their Malan Breton dildo bag.
Tim: Emmett, you're really going to give away one of your signature tootie-length coats? And you have only these puerile captions to choose from? I'm concerned.
Emmett: Bitch, please. Look at the picture again. There's not even a hint of tootie on display! And what does "puerile" even mean, anyways! You and your vocab lessons, Tim...
Tim: Emmett, don't give me that look. You know you love the pink tunic top.
Emmett: Not as much as I love the way my tootie looks in these pants! Ow!
Tim: I'm concerned. Can you hail a cab in that shirt?
Emmett: Are you kidding? The minute I raise my arm, the crotch goes straight up my tootie.
Tim: I love tootie!
Oh, god, I'm gonna get fired. Coke splooge. And the damned coat isn't even close to my size.
Tim: Emmett, I'm simply staggered. You look positively breathtaking in that outfit.
Emmett: I know! Now isn't this better than tootie?
Tim: I never would have thought of the white porkpie hat with that pink top...but it works! Fab-u-lous!!!
Emmett: The student becomes the teacher.
tg: why emmett, what a big tootie you have!
em: the better to tootie you with, my dear.
marisha
oops..i meant to say
Tim: Well slap my ass and call me Tootie...I never would have thought of the white porkpie hat with that pink top...but it works! Fab-u-lous!!!
Emmett: The student becomes the teacher.
"Emmett, I'm loathe to broach this subject, but...all this sturm und drang about "tootie"....Have you any idea to which part of the anatomy "tootie" actually refers? Specifically and unequivocally?"
"I love when you talk dirty..."
- bel
Tim: "Readers, this is exactly what I write about in my little pink book. A woman who just can't dress her age. Those pink puff sleeves, that Bouvier shade. Help us, are we on an episode of the Housewives of OC?"
Emmett: "Never! My tootie is just so much tighter than theirs."
Tim: If you knew Tootie, like I know Tootie...
Emmett: Oh...oh...I neeeeeed a drink.
Emmett- So Tim, do you think Sewing Siren will win my beautiful coat?
Tim- As long as it mitigates her tootie, I am not inclined to care.
Tim: Why, Emmett, your tootie looks positively elephantine in such ostentatious accoutrement!
Emmett: Bitch, I will cut you and your vocabulary.
Here's take two
Tim:
Oh Jeeezus. Emmett, you look like Peggy Flaming in that blouse! And your tootie looks like you landed a triple klutz at 3 am.
Emmett:
Shut up, Dick Buttondown. You're such a bitch! And stop fondling yourself, for Chrissake.
Tim: Nice pouffy sleeves, but you may want to re-think that color.
Emmett: Don't you know? Tootie Pink is the new black.
Tim: My, my, Emmet, that's a traffic stopper!
Emmet: Nothing like Tooting one's own horn, and this should help get my Tootie out of first gear.
Tim: Hmm. A Tootie-Frootie theme. This troubles me Emmett.
Emmett: I'm not worried. Have you seen Santino's turkey costume?
A second try:
Tim: Who are you supposed to be. The Gay Blade?
Emmett: No, I'm the Pink-Pimp-Pa-Tootie.
Mine requires reversing the pictures--
Under Emmett's picture: Cutie
Under Tim's: Pa-Tootie
Oops, forgot to sign it.
Tim: My, my, Emmet, that's a traffic stopper!
Emmet: Nothing like Tooting one's own horn, and this should help get my Tootie out of first gear.
Tim: You look like Tootie without her skates. Perhaps we can do something about that.
Emmett: Excuse Tim but Tootie? Are you blind? I'm obviously junior prom Blair.
Tim: Emmett, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times! You must be careful with the sweatsuit alternative. Not only does it reveal the shape of your tootie, it reveals the shape your tootie is in.
Emmett: That's kind of the point, Tim.
Tim: Can I see everyone's tootie, please? Just before we head off in this Oh-It's-So-Cold-Your-Butt-Falls-Off weather.
Oh, I can't see yours, Emmett. Everybody back into your apartments. (whispers to Emmett) Way to go, Emmett.
Emmett: What? I'm not going to risk my tootie falling off.
Tim: Uh, Emmett--that blouse is really not working for me...it's a little Pirates of Penzance meets Rocky Horror.
Emmett: Well, hot pa-tootie bless my soul, I really love that rock and roll...and pirates. Lots of pirates. With booty. Lots of booty.
Tim: Oh, heavens, Emmett! Don't tell me you've gone and hired Britney to be your stylist?
Emmett: What makes you say that, Tim--my tootie isn't showing, is it?
-Wendy
Tim sez:
Dayum, I thought I ordered chocolate!
Emmett sez:
You gon' have to settle for tootie fruity, bitch.
Tim: Emmett, I'm concerned about your outfit. There's entirely not enough tootie showing.
Emmett: What? Tim, I can't hear you down there. You'll have to speak up.
Tim: Where could you possibly be going in THAT dreadful ensemble?
Emmett: Stow it you wrinkled fairy. I'm seeing Tootie.
Time: That drag queen? Bitch, please.
“ ’Twas the Night Before Christmas,” Rungay Style:
Tim:
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a long, lean queer in ice-skating gear!
Emmett:
Oh, Santa Gunn—you think you’re so funny.
But my hot tootie in spandex is right on the money.
(Thanks for this challenge boys—so much fun, and for a most worthy cause! ;)
This thread should end with the punchline,
'The Aristocrats'.
--GothamTomato
Tim: Why Emmett darling that little pink middy from your spring collection is simply fabulous and as always your styling is impeccable! However I am a bit concerned that you aren't wearing any pants.
Emmett: Tim, I decided to go with a neutral tootie color for the leggings this season. Share a cab?
And here's 101:
Tim: Come on over here, Cutie Frutie Tootie, I've got my black van backin' in. Let's say we got jackin'.
Emmett: Back off Cootie, I'm not your tootie.
Tim: "Why Emmet! what a festive pink blouse! I am verklempt!
Emmet: "Over the top, huh? Oh alright, wait here while I change tootie de sweet, but I am not giving up my hat!
Tim: Emmett... love the puffy shirt -it's positively Seinfeld circa 1993. I'm tickled pink at your color choice... the whole looks says - I ain't no tootie-man.
Emmett: (blush)
alternatively---
Emmett: Fierce!
Tim: (sings) You're my leetle chu-chi face, my tootie-fruity-fruity leetle chu-chi face. Every time I look at you, I sigh.
Emmett: (sigh) And you're my little Teddy Bear...
Tim: Oh, Emmett, it will be harder than ever to keep a straight face, but do you really think you can convince Veronica Webb to wear that outfit on the show?
Emmett: Oh, please, did Charlie Wilson like tootie? She bought the red sailor suit and the kerchief, didn't she?
Tim: Tootie-fruity, oh rootie! Take me through the process here. What exactly were you thinking when you got dressed this morning?
Emmett: Um, "What would Brian Boitano do?"
T- Jesus, Emmett is High School Musical 2 on Ice audtioning already?
E- You wouldn't be laughing if you knew how much tootie you can get a glimpse of backstage
Tim: You know, I can just see us in matching hats doing a little minstrel show together. It will be so fabulous. We can sing "Under the Bamboo Tree," I'll be Esther and you'll be Tootie.
Emmett: No, I'M Esther, YOU'RE Tootie.
sad to admit i'll have to bail on this contest, due to size issues & lack of imagination.
however, i finally got may ass down to emmett's store the other day & holy crapola!!! those coats are GORGEOUS!!!!! i could not stop fondling them. seriously beautiful garments!!! and the handbags... the handbags!!!!
anyway, whoever wins, you are one unbelievably lucky bitch!!! and i'm terribly terribly jealous.
Tim: It wouldn't be my choice for a sweatsuit alternative, but chacun à son goût, some men like tootie. I just have one question, Emmett, and hear me out....can you... teach me to chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom?
Emmett: Si, Senorita.
Okay, paul_lynde gets my vote.
"... Oh Emmett cease your sturm und drang in regards to your outfit, simply make it work. I'll take you for a nice lunch at Red Lobster to forget all about it. They have this new dish made from lobster tootie, it is to die for."
"But Tim I don't eat tootie...and I am pretty sure you don't either"
Tim: Oh dear, I'm not sure if even you can make that pink shirt work.
Emmet: Oh this old thing? I'm just getting back from a 3 a.m. tootie call.
All right, I'm going to give this a try.
No offense intended, Emmett, but you look like a deranged Easter bunny in that ensemble. That pink nightmare of a shirt is bad enough; what possessed you to add that atrocious hat?
Well, Tim, I was going for a sort of gay Hank Williams look. Will it help if I sing? “She's got purty eyes of blue, and she thinks I'm purty, too, tootsie-wootsie, rootie-tootie, hunky-dory, rootie-tootie…”
TIM: Ok boys, the challenge today is a tootie-frutie-fabulous, 3 am look...I need something devine to make all those "mid-night madness mistakes" in...and nothing says long-night-out at Jean-Georges and then a 2 am call at Bungalow 8 better than a "Tootie-Fruitie" Natalie "Ruffle-Collared Evening Coat" from EMC2'rd...with zilch underneath, of course.
EMC2: Oh Tim, I know I can make it work, but only if I had the perfect model...maybe if I pick "Sewwhat?", her fabulously fashionable daughter will rock that coat all over Manhattan, with more fierocity than Nina on an Estrogen patch and be in more Patrick McMullan "Glamour Girl" shots than the Persimmon Princess herself during fashion week...ooooh I better pick her to make it work and WIN!!!!
Tim: Honey, Quentin Crisp on a drunken bender doesn't show that much tootie.
Emmett: Oh very original, Tim. Tom and Lorenzo only said that like, a week ago.
Magnifique! I wish you were showing a little more tootie.
Oh, Tim! But what about Andrae?
Come on Tootie, one more time just for me.
Oh all right. But I don't do the Hamel Camel for just any one.
TIM: You look like a juicy, slutty, ga-ga-gay piñata!
EMMETT: Glamorous, isn’t it? I also have the fierce tootie to break it in my tight pants.
Call Tom and Lorenzo... and let’s have fun, baby.
TIM: "Well, Emmett, I'm glad you finally got to experience the excruciating humiliation that's often part of fashion. Shall we go, to tea?"
EMMET: "Did you just call me Tootie? Tim, no! "
TIM: "You're right. Let's make it Martinis."
T: "Emmett, you look quite the diva! The hat makes it look verdi bizet, aida gone with a ring and puccini pups. Well, we're traviatin' now. Aria carmen?" *titter*
(Long pause)
E: "Kiss my cozy fun tootie, Tim."
Emmett: Pink is the new tootie. Suck it bitches, only I'm fabulous enough to say it.
~Maharhar
Tim: Hey Emmet! How about joing Andre and I at Red Lobster?
Emmet: Oh Tim (bats eyelashes)! Only if I can wear my fierce pink Tootie-suit ensemble.
Tim: Only one thing in the world could drag me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window…
Emmett: Well, I know it’s not tootie. Come here big daddy and have some of this.
Tim: Emmett, the right accessories would make a silk purse out of that sow's tootie you're wearing. Have you considered a tiara?
Emmett: I think my modern update on the straw boater is the perfect touch. It says I could join a barbershop quartet or throw a triple salchow at any moment!
Tim - I see Elton's renewing his vows.
Emmet - Don't be catty Tootie, brides will be brides.
Emmett: "My X-ray sunglasses like what they are seeing! Hello, Tim's tootie!"
Tim: Hey there big Emmet. How about joining Andre and I at Red Lobster?
Emmet: Oh Tim(bats eyelashes)! Only if I can wear my fierce new form flattering Tootie Suit.
"Emmet, who gave you that shirt, Tootie?"
"Tim, It's TOOTSIE. I know Dustin Hoffman; Dustin Hoffman is a friend of mine. Trust me, you're no Dustin Hoffman."
Tim: I've made many bad judgement calls at 3am but I'm willing to make a midday exception for you.
Emmett: Tim, you can have my tootie whatever time of the day you want it!
Tim: Alright, Emmett, I see where you're going with that "look", but *sigh* it's just not gay enough. Do you think you've taken it far enough? Are you even trying? Look, stand like this. Arm out. Arm out, damnit!
Emmett: I'm sorry, Tim. I'm trying, but even if I had a tootie I couldn't look so gay.
"Can you believe that heinous Tootie bitch won ANTM? It MUST be because of her previous Tyra connection."
"You and I had a previous connection and look where it got me."
Tim: Oh Emmett darling! That outfit is so High School Musical! J'adore! I want Zac Efron's little tootie, but look at you! I mean forget about Andrae he is so 3:00 AM, You are looking fab major!
Emmett: Forget it Tim, we've already tried, you and I both know we can't make it work together. And everyone knows Corbin Bleu is the one with the tight tootie.
Tim: Maybe it's too much, Emmett. You're over-thinking and your silhouette is getting lost. There's too much going on. Maybe you should think about subtracting. Simplifying.
Emmett: So what you're saying is either lose the hat, the pink stilettos, or tuck in my tootie?
i think jeffrey takes the cake with "finally! menswear!"
Is that you, Emmett? For a second, I thought I'd stumbled into a Cuban gay pride parade.
That would be a parade of shame for you, Miss Tootie.
Tim: My god Emmett! Didn't you hear? Tootie frootie pink is SO last season.
Emmett: Bitch.
This is a play on words with a quote by Franklin Roosevelt. Tootie is split into 2 words too tie (despite that too really should be spelled to, I am fudging to make it work).
Tim: Emmett, I'm baffled...
Emmett: Is it the shirt, Tim?
Tim: Frankly, yes... But you know what they say, "When you get to the end of your rope... too...
Emmett: Too "Tie A knot and hold on," Tim, too tie a knot and hold on...
(Smirking, yet curiously confused) Emmett - that shirt - that hat - that hair - those eyes!!!
(Looking ashamed and hopeful) Tim, I knew this shirt would get your attention... (looking up coyly) Some men have compared me to Adonis....
(They walk towards each other slowly and embrace as Tim gently cups Emmett's pa-tootie)
Emmett whispers softly - You had me at hello...
(fade to blackout)
I vote for jeffrey bryan, too.
Tim: Designers! Gather round. We have a special guest today who has a very special challenge for you all. Emmet, carry on.
Emmet: Your challenge today is to design an elegant codpiece to coordinate with my big pink pa-tootie!
Tim: You have 3 seconds to sketch, $1 to buy materials at the nearest newstand, and ten minutes to create. The winner gets to fit his or her design on Miss Emma herself. Carry on and make it work!
Tim: Emmett, I am not responding to the fluorescent pink. It is a bit too-tay for my taste.
Emmett: Hot pink is the navy blue of India.
T: Emmet, do you REALLY want me to answer that question?
E: For the last time, Tim! Does this outfit make my Tootie look fat?
"Oh, look! It's the gay love child of Jennifer Lopez and Brian Boitano!"
"If this unitard wasn't lodged so far up my tootie, I would ghetto-slap you!"
Tim: Really kitten, the whole Tootie thing you’re attempting simply falls short without the red wig. Well, do your best and…make it work!
Emmett: Ok, first off, it’s Tootsie not Tootie, you ignorant slut, and secondly the wig is being styled dammitt!
Third photo, because it truly is missing, is the well timed and always appropriate flounce away. An exasperated sigh is optional with the flounce.
Of course depending on the hormone levels that day, and we girls can never tell from day-to-day where those will be, the comments can easily fluctuate from “you ignorant slut” to “you bitch”. Let the cat fight begin…
Jeffrey Bryan, it's quite obvious that you keep posting anon postings in support of your entry because it isn't funny at all. Please don't think that anyone is fooled and don't think that TLO are that stupid.
Tim, does this outfit make me look like I'm pointing too much tootie at you?
No, Emmett, that outfit makes you look like a giant bottle of bubble bath.
Now, Make It Work, or I'll uncap your head and pour you down the drain, bubble butt and all.
Actually, I thought Jeffrey's captions were pretty funny too. I just wish he had referenced the outfit more. But it's hard to work a hot pink leotard into a joke. If someone has to win besides me, I'd vote for Jeffrey.
"Oh, Emmet (snort) --- No matter what happens, you'll always be magenta giant."
"Et Tootie, Tim?"
Oh Emmett! Don't assume Michael won't be tempted to call your Tootie dowdy in that color!
It's a fact of life Tim, it's a scream! Do it with me, "Tootie, fruity, oh Rudy!" Be my Rudy, again, Tim.
Tim: Why don't you skate over here my sweet little pink fruity tootie?
Emmet: Daddy, I'll only skate over if you let me do a flying camel.
Tim: Sweetie, daddy only likes flying camels, no camel toes.
Tim: Why don't you skate over here you sweet pink fruity tootie?
Emmet: But only if you let me do a flying camel daddy.
Tim: Sure, daddy only likes flying camels but not camel toes.
Tim: Oh honey, even Tootie wouldn't wear that when it WAS in Style.
Emmet: reeaally Tim? That's not what you said at 3 am!
Tim: I'm the one who makes it work in cars, in alleys, and all over the damn fashion district. So why should I give you half?
Emmett: Tootie, you know Pink Daddy loves you. Now give me my money, bitch.
Tim: "I know this car isn't exactly what my cutie pa tootie would expect, but it's the best I could do on such short notice."
Emmett: "Oh, Tim, you kill me! Trying to be casual with those jeans...."
Tim: "Oh Emmett, my little cutie-pa-tootie, I thought we were supposed to role play LATER tonight."
Emmett: "Oh, Tim, I'm just setting the pace. Can you keep up?"
TG: Two words for you Emmett, dowdy and vulgar
Emmett: Kiss my Tootie!
TG: 3:00 AM, my place, Carry On!
Let's try this one.
Tim: Emmett... in pink! Oh, where should I lay my eyes on, your tootie or your hat?
Emmett: Well, Tim, tootie please, I can see the jealousy in your eyes.
TG: …all I’m saying is that if you want to borrow one of my shirts, you should ask. That’s all. Just say, “Honey, I’m borrowing your hot pink Lacroix,” instead of me finding out when we’re on NATIONAL FUCKING TELEVISION!
EM2: Aw, Tootie, don’t be mad at Emmie. You were asleep and I didn’t want to wake you. You know how you get on the morning of a show…
TG: I told you never to call me that when we’re above 14th Street!
TG: What in God’s name are you wearing?!
EMc2: It’s from my Roses In Bloom collection. You like?
TG: Frankly, I’m stunned and I’m shocked!
EMc2: Heidi said Seal’s dropping by the shoot today, so I thought he might like a kiss from this Rose.
TG: You are Un-Be-Lievable.
EMc2: (shouting as Tim walks away) I wants me some Seal tootie! Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm Gimme some Seal bootie!
EMc2: (Now singing loudly off key, chasing Tim down the street) He’s my power my pleasure my PAIN …
Tim: I have no qualms about double-parking my mighty black van in front of your lilliputian economy car.
Emmett: (wistfully) If the judges hadn't been so offended by a little glimpse of tootie, I'd be the one in a new Saturn Sky Roadster.
TG: Emmie, have you been watching Dynasty reruns again?
EMc2: Afraid so. Just can’t seem to escape this Linda Evans period I’m in. *sigh*
TG: Just don’t go all Joan Collins on me. I don’t think I could take another season of pads and pelts. I hold Nolan Miller personally responsible for everything that was 80s hideous.
EMc2: I tucked the shoulder pads into a Maidenform and, voilá, look at my nice tooties!
TG: I believe I just became lactose intolerant. Carry on, Krystle…
EMc2: Ta ta, Alexis.
Tim: Ow! Emmett that pinch you gave me on my tootie really hurts! I'm farmisht as to why you would do that!
Emmett: Welcome to my world, mentor mine. Since you put me in the pepto-pimpfest travesty *my* tootie has been pinched more than Nina Garcia's face at judging!
Tim: Emmett, Sarah Cohen is going to have us do a toot toot tootie train around the rink. Wanna get behind me?
Emmett: I thought we were doing it in ASS-ending order!
Tim: Emmett, here's the new shipment of bobblehea--Good Lord! Why are you wearing that ridiculous get-up?
Emmett: It's a costume. I'm starring in the new gay-tastic production of "The Jazz Singer" at The Actor's Playhouse. We open with a rousing rendition of "Toot-toot-tootie Good-bye!" But I don't have time to chat, or I'll miss my call. Just leave the bobbleheads in the alley around back.
Tim: Sorry I'm late for the signing, Emmett. I was having lunch with Anne Slowey. To be honest, I think the avalanche of vituperation she has received on the boards is misplaced. Her observations about the current season's designers are not only spot-on, but witty and so cleverly phrased. I was giggling like a schoolboy. Her bright demeanor is infectious. But she did take me to task for this oversized jacket I'm wearing. She compared it to David Byrne in "Stop Making Sense." You see, she really is clever and current in her criticisms. And of course she's right about the jacket. We had a chuckle about your elimination, too. I almost spit prosecco out of my nose when she said--
Emmett: (interrupting) Don't defend the tootie.
Tim: Fuck Andre. Hey, Tootie, want to go to Red Lobster?
Emmett: But Tim...it's not even 3 am yet.
Tim: Oh! Tootie! Make.It.Work!
Emmette: Oh Tim! You had me at "Designers"!
"Damn, You look Tootielicious!"
"Emmet, did you get the message that I.H.O.P. called?"
"Yes Tim, I please to announce they are crowning me Mr. Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-N-Fruity"
I've been out of touch with the internet, so I just saw this contest and couldn't resist entering something, even if it isn't a real contender.
- Donna
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