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Showing posts with label Musical Monday. Show all posts

T Lo's White Christmas

Friday, December 24, 2010
A T Lo Christmas Classic, for all our sisters out there.

Click here for full post.

Musical Monday: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Monday, June 15, 2009
Yes, it's How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying! The story of a sociopathic window washer whose sadistic sexual games and unrivaled ambition destroy countless lives! This one's got a lot of plot, so strap yourselves in.

Our story starts here as deceptively simple-looking J. Pierpont "Ponty" Finch, heading to the kind of window-washing job where you wear a suit, picks up a copy of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He is transformed by its life-affirming message of scruple-free ambition.

He wanders into the first office he can find, the headquarters of the World Wide Wicket Company, and decides to launch his schemes.

He immediately sleeps with the personnel director and gets hired for the mailroom.

Personnel director introduces him to the local color, the gay nephew of the president of the company, plus Michelle Lee and two less attractive secretaries, Glasses and Not-Carol Burnett.

It's 1967, so all of the secretaries at the World Wide Wicket Company are husband-hunters who do no work all day. Because they're girls.

Plus a couple aspiring drag queens.

Ponty sleeps with the head of the mailroom to make a good impression.

Later, he attempts to seduce the president's secretary. Look. there are a LOT of bland white people in this movie, so don't expect us to remember everyone's names.

The president of the company is Rudy Vallee and his office looks like Captain Kirk lives there.

President's gay nephew preens as he informs his co-workers that he is the new head of the mailroom.

Only to be upstaged by the news that his rival has clawed his way into the junior executive pool.

The news sends him into a screeching hissy fit.

The prissy bitches in the junior executive pool flare their nostrils at Ponty and spin around in their chairs at the sight of him.

Later, some chick in some major foundation garments shows up and wiggles her ass while doing a sort of Carol Channing/Marilyn Monroe pastiche.

This drives the men in the office into a sexual frenzy and they get their Fosse on.

Big time.

Sad to say, we can't find an embeddable video of this number, but by all means, click here to watch it, because if you've got Fosse choreographing a number entitled "A Secretary is Not a Toy," how can you NOT watch it?

Not content to remain a junior executive for much longer, the outrageously ambitious schemer once again sets his sights on getting into the boss's secretary's big panties. In the throes of her lust, she reveals that the president will be in the office Saturday morning.

Michelle Lee, knowing a rising star when she sees one, uses the less attractive secretary to sing her way into a dinner date.

Later, she does her best Streisand impersonation for him.

Ponty sleeps with the president of the company that Saturday morning and gets a new office out of it.

The bitches in the junior executive pool hiss at him and call him the "office mattress" as he packs his things.

He gets assigned the dumb secretary who's sleeping with the president and can't take deep breaths.

He convinces her to seduce his superior, who promptly gets fired.

Having destroyed the man's life, Ponty gets his office and Not-Carol Burnett as his secretary.

Figuring he's got a formula now, he sends the wheezy secretary off to seduce the next guy in the chain.

Unfortunately, he's a vicious old queen who uses a cigarette holder and fires Ponty on the spot. Ponty trails him to get some dirt on him...

...and finds him at the local pre-Stonewall gay and lesbian center's talent night.

Ponty informs the Old White Dude Posse and they throw the queer out.

He reacts with dignity.

Ponty gets promoted to Vice President of Advertising and Boss's gay nephew has another hissy fit.

Michelle Lee finds Ponty with sexy secretary. She doesn't believe his "mammogram" excuse.

But she makes out with him anyway because she gets off on old guys watching.

Having turned the World Wide Wicket Company in a seething cauldron of sexual tension, Ponty can't even use the men's room without being outrageously cruised by paunchy middle-aged executives.

His incessant preening may have something to do with it too.

He comes up with a shitty promotional idea for the company and sexy secretary has to announce a treasure hunt on live television. Because she's stupid...

She fucks it up.

With the company's reputation in ruins, Ponty gets dragged by an angry mob of old white guys in to see the Chairman of the Board. This being a musical...

He sings his way out of it.

Seriously, you have to watch this one. Robert Morse may have been playing to the back seats in this movie a bit too much, but this is one hell of a number and he owns it from top to bottom.

Anyway, the little sociopath sings his way out of it and the next thing you know, the chairman of the board marries Miss Foundation Garment and announces both his retirement and his replacement, who is ....well, you know.

Gay Nephew reacts gaily to the news.

Ponty enters his office, which has more of a Captain Picard vibe to it, and drunk with power, asks the secretaries to get naked.

Instead, they send Michelle Lee in to cool him off. Everyone applauds their kissing.

Having accomplished all he set out to do and realizing he needs new challenges, he ditches everything and heads to Washington to assassinate President Johnson and start a military coup to take over the government. The end.



Musical Monday: Mary Poppins

Monday, May 25, 2009
One of us hates this movie and one of us loves it. It's Mary Poppins! The story of a demonic nanny and the dysfunctional family she helps destroy! Just remember, we did this all for you, bitches!

Our story starts here, over 1910 London, as Satan's Bride prepares herself for her next mission of fucking up some poor family.

Meanwhile down below, Mrs. Banks returns from her radical feminist march to the news that the latest nanny is quitting because the Banks children have run off again. She sings because she'd rather not talk about it.

Mr. Banks arrives and also sings, because no one in this family likes each other very much.

The children are returned by the police after a routine roundup of the local gangs. No one cares.

The Bankses, not being the sort to want to actually deal with their spawn, set right to work hiring someone else to look after them. The children make suggestions that are promptly ignored.

The next morning, a gaggle of humorless bitches line the sidewalk outside the Banks home.

A strong wind blows them all far away to a land called Oz, where they will all have prosperous careers terrorizing children.

Lucifer's Lover blows into town ominously.

She bulldozes her way into the Banks residence and bewitches Mr. Banks into hiring her.

Also, she has rickets.

She introduces herself to the children by demonstrating her demonic powers.

And then destroys their self esteem.

She summons her robotic bird minions to do her bidding.

Even her reflection is smug.

Objects fly about the room when she snaps her fingers. The children shit their pants.

Later, she takes the children out to meet her former lover, Bert.

And whisks them all away to a scary land of garish colors.

She abandons the children while she and Bert engage in foreplay.

Later, she frightens the children by bringing inanimate objects to life.

Even her horse is smug.

She bewitches the people of this magic land and forces them to speak in tongues.

A sudden rainstorm washes away the magic land. The children weep for all the now-dead animals and people inhabiting it. Mary laughs at them.

That night, as she puts them to bed, she tells them she will make their lives even more hellish if they breathe a word of this to their parents.

Which is kind of funny, because their parents spend all their time pretending that they don't have children.

And getting annoyed when they're reminded that they do.

Mary takes the children to the seediest part of London and taunts them by telling them she's going to leave them there.

They visit an opium den.

The children try desperately to tell their father about Mary's true nature.

Curious, he questions her about the charges. She pretends to be offended and tells him he can take care of his own damn brats tomorrow because she's got the day off.

She tucks the children in and sings them a terrifying lullaby about the possibility that they will wind up old, crazy and living on the streets.

He takes them to work and orders them to kiss his boss's ass.

The little savages attack him instead.

In response, Britain's social order collapses into anarchy.

The children run off to throw themselves into the Thames.

Bert, fresh from performing in a minstrel show, talks them out of it.

Ignoring their loud protests, he takes them back to their mother, who only owns one outfit and who is on her way out to an abortion rights protest.

Mary terrifies the children by dangling them off rooftops.

Bert and all his friends engage in a satanic ritual on the rooftops.

Later, she invites all her Satan-worshipping friends into the Banks home to destroy it.

Mr. Banks tries to protest but one look from that bitch and he's silenced.

He is sad. He's probably going to lose his job, his wife is running around with radical lesbians, his children are hanging out with black people and his servants are tools of the devil.

He snaps and attacks his boss.

Her work complete and the family in ruins, Mary packs her bags. The children try to hide their joy.

Mr. Banks has gone completely insane. His children try to restrain him, but he's too fast for them.

Eventually, the family takes him out to fly a kite in order to calm him down. His wife pretends to be sexually attracted to him.

Fleeing before charges can be brought against her, Mary eventually settles in a little town in Austria and poses as a nun, biding her time until the next fucked-up family needs a nanny.


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