Yes, it's Bye Bye Birdie! The musical extravaganza that...sucks.
Seriously, bitches. You better love us for sitting through this THREE TIMES in order to write this post. Let's get started, shall we?
It's 1963! Kennedy's in the White House! Kruschev's in the Kremlin! Sullivan's on CBS! And lameass Elvis Presley stand-in Conrad Birdie has been drafted into the Army! Teenage girls from coast to coast lapse into hysterics...
...and storm the Capitol. Black people in the deep south roll their eyes and fight off the fire hoses and attack dogs. Cut to...
New York! And Janet Leigh in one of Chita Rivera's ratty old wigs! She looks completely insane. If she'd checked into the Bates Motel looking like that, Norman would've ran off screaming for his mommy.
Janet - one of the whitest women to ever live - plays Rose DeLeon. She storms Ed Sullivan's office with a brilliant idea. We're not told why they don't have security escort her out. Anyway, her plan is to have Birdie make his final appearance before shipping out on Ed's show, where he'll sing a new song called "One Last Kiss" and kiss one lucky girl from his nationwide fan club. Ed says it's the stupidest idea he ever heard.
Just kidding. Of course he thinks it's brilliant.
Janet heads down to the national headquarters of the Conrad Birdie fan club, where serious women in pink smocks (and one lonely gay man) stuff envelopes. She randomly picks the lucky girl, Kim MacAfee of Sweet Apple, Ohio.
Kim (Ann-Margret, of course) is currently on the phone with BFF Ursula. Kim always makes a point to hang out with the ugliest girls in town in order to make herself look better. Anyway, she's all atwitter because Hugo pinned her - which would mean something totally different if a teenager in 2007 said it. This leads to switchboard overload:
Actually, the only decent number in the whole film, even if it does grate on the ears a bit. For some reason, they all melt in a nuclear holocaust at the end, though.
Back in New York, we meet Janet's boyfriend, Albert (Dick Van Dyke). He's a former chemist who went into songwriting but hasn't actually sold a song in 6 years. She's been waiting for years to make something of himself so he'll propose to her. She fills him in on her plan to have Birdie sing his soon-to-be-brilliant composition on Ed Sullivan, thereby ensuring that it'll become a huge hit. This is all told to us in some of the clunkiest expositional dialogue you'll ever hear in your life.
Albert's overbearing mother shows up. She's been doing everything she can think of to keep the two lovebirds apart. She and Janet hate each other of course.
Back in Sweet Apple, Ann sings about sex. No matter what song Ann-Marget sings, it's about sex.
Later we meet Ann's Stepford mother and flamingly gay father (Paul Lynde, of course) while she gets the news that she's going to lose her virginity on live television.
The next morning, the town's local chapters of N.O.W. and the Radical Fairies get into a huge fistfight. The feminists win of course.
Ann's new steady, Hugo (Bobby Rydell) - even though she is COMPLETELY out of his league - begs her not to let another man kiss her on live TV. She promises him that she's only doing it for the good of the country and that it means nothing. Moron that he is, he believes her.
Birdie shows up looking 100% heterosexual to the citizens of Sweet Apple.
Except one, of course.
Naturally, he sings for the crowd and naturally, they go wild.
Then they all die in a poison gas attack.
Actually they all faint. We understand why the women would, but why exactly would every man in town faint at the sight of a couple hip swivels and pelvic thrusts?
Paul is appalled and embarrassed that he fainted and overcompensates by yelling a lot.
Then Dick uses their son's chemistry kit as a meth lab and doses the family turtle.
Nope. Not making a word of that up.
Bobby and Ann sing. Honestly, every 5 minutes or so the nature of their relationship went from love to hate or vice versa, so it's hard to keep track. Judging by their faces, this was a love moment.
Janet is pissed that two teenagers seem to have a better relationship than she and Dick. To cheer her up, he acts like a total jackass while large ghostly heads float around behind him.
Then he dances with her id while she pouts.
Again, not making one word up:
Mama shows up and sticks her head in the oven when she hears that Dick and Janet are back on again. For all the faults of this movie, Maureen Stapleton was pretty damn funny in the role.
While they all try to talk Mama out of suicide, Ann shows off her new hair color to her furious father, who had his heart set on that color for himself.
They sing.
The next day, Birdie kisses Ann in rehearsals, she orgasms in front of everyone and she and Bobby break up (again).
The Sullivan producer informs Dick that the Birdie segment can only be 30 seconds long because the previous act, The Moscow Ballet, went with a longer number. There'll be no hit song and no kiss.
We're supposed to believe that Ed Sullivan would choose the Moscow Ballet over "Elvis?"
That night: TEENAGE ORGY!
Later, Janet completely loses it and sexes up an entire Shriner's chapter in one of Chita's old dresses.
For some reason, this works in getting them back together. Janet has a brilliant plan (again) to get the Moscow Ballet to shorten their number:
Dose the conductor with some of Dick's homemade meth! And it works!
Once again, not making a word of it up. They drugged a conductor and the film played it for laughs. But what the hell, it's 1963 and he's Russian.
Anyway, the number's back on and when Birdie leans in for his kiss...
...skinny little Bobby Rydell swings in and knocks him out with one punch. No kiss for Ann, no hit song for Dick, major embarrassment for Ed Sullivan. Sad ending, right?
Silly poodle! This is a MUSICAL. Even though in the real world everyone in this story would hate each other by now...
...Mama reveals that she suddenly got married...
...Dick and Janet fall back in love and he proposes because he's gonna make millions off his new "diet" pill formula...
...and Ann and Bobby show off their teeth. Everyone's happy - except Conrad Birdie, who's stationed in Germany and the laughingstock of the Army because some kid who can't weigh more than a buck ten knocked him out with one punch in front of millions of people. He eventually ate himself to death and died on the toilet. The end.
Seriously, bitches. You better love us for sitting through this THREE TIMES in order to write this post. Let's get started, shall we?
It's 1963! Kennedy's in the White House! Kruschev's in the Kremlin! Sullivan's on CBS! And lameass Elvis Presley stand-in Conrad Birdie has been drafted into the Army! Teenage girls from coast to coast lapse into hysterics...
...and storm the Capitol. Black people in the deep south roll their eyes and fight off the fire hoses and attack dogs. Cut to...
New York! And Janet Leigh in one of Chita Rivera's ratty old wigs! She looks completely insane. If she'd checked into the Bates Motel looking like that, Norman would've ran off screaming for his mommy.
Janet - one of the whitest women to ever live - plays Rose DeLeon. She storms Ed Sullivan's office with a brilliant idea. We're not told why they don't have security escort her out. Anyway, her plan is to have Birdie make his final appearance before shipping out on Ed's show, where he'll sing a new song called "One Last Kiss" and kiss one lucky girl from his nationwide fan club. Ed says it's the stupidest idea he ever heard.
Just kidding. Of course he thinks it's brilliant.
Janet heads down to the national headquarters of the Conrad Birdie fan club, where serious women in pink smocks (and one lonely gay man) stuff envelopes. She randomly picks the lucky girl, Kim MacAfee of Sweet Apple, Ohio.
Kim (Ann-Margret, of course) is currently on the phone with BFF Ursula. Kim always makes a point to hang out with the ugliest girls in town in order to make herself look better. Anyway, she's all atwitter because Hugo pinned her - which would mean something totally different if a teenager in 2007 said it. This leads to switchboard overload:
Actually, the only decent number in the whole film, even if it does grate on the ears a bit. For some reason, they all melt in a nuclear holocaust at the end, though.
Back in New York, we meet Janet's boyfriend, Albert (Dick Van Dyke). He's a former chemist who went into songwriting but hasn't actually sold a song in 6 years. She's been waiting for years to make something of himself so he'll propose to her. She fills him in on her plan to have Birdie sing his soon-to-be-brilliant composition on Ed Sullivan, thereby ensuring that it'll become a huge hit. This is all told to us in some of the clunkiest expositional dialogue you'll ever hear in your life.
Albert's overbearing mother shows up. She's been doing everything she can think of to keep the two lovebirds apart. She and Janet hate each other of course.
Back in Sweet Apple, Ann sings about sex. No matter what song Ann-Marget sings, it's about sex.
Later we meet Ann's Stepford mother and flamingly gay father (Paul Lynde, of course) while she gets the news that she's going to lose her virginity on live television.
The next morning, the town's local chapters of N.O.W. and the Radical Fairies get into a huge fistfight. The feminists win of course.
Ann's new steady, Hugo (Bobby Rydell) - even though she is COMPLETELY out of his league - begs her not to let another man kiss her on live TV. She promises him that she's only doing it for the good of the country and that it means nothing. Moron that he is, he believes her.
Birdie shows up looking 100% heterosexual to the citizens of Sweet Apple.
Except one, of course.
Naturally, he sings for the crowd and naturally, they go wild.
Then they all die in a poison gas attack.
Actually they all faint. We understand why the women would, but why exactly would every man in town faint at the sight of a couple hip swivels and pelvic thrusts?
Paul is appalled and embarrassed that he fainted and overcompensates by yelling a lot.
Then Dick uses their son's chemistry kit as a meth lab and doses the family turtle.
Nope. Not making a word of that up.
Bobby and Ann sing. Honestly, every 5 minutes or so the nature of their relationship went from love to hate or vice versa, so it's hard to keep track. Judging by their faces, this was a love moment.
Janet is pissed that two teenagers seem to have a better relationship than she and Dick. To cheer her up, he acts like a total jackass while large ghostly heads float around behind him.
Then he dances with her id while she pouts.
Again, not making one word up:
Mama shows up and sticks her head in the oven when she hears that Dick and Janet are back on again. For all the faults of this movie, Maureen Stapleton was pretty damn funny in the role.
While they all try to talk Mama out of suicide, Ann shows off her new hair color to her furious father, who had his heart set on that color for himself.
They sing.
The next day, Birdie kisses Ann in rehearsals, she orgasms in front of everyone and she and Bobby break up (again).
The Sullivan producer informs Dick that the Birdie segment can only be 30 seconds long because the previous act, The Moscow Ballet, went with a longer number. There'll be no hit song and no kiss.
We're supposed to believe that Ed Sullivan would choose the Moscow Ballet over "Elvis?"
That night: TEENAGE ORGY!
Later, Janet completely loses it and sexes up an entire Shriner's chapter in one of Chita's old dresses.
For some reason, this works in getting them back together. Janet has a brilliant plan (again) to get the Moscow Ballet to shorten their number:
Dose the conductor with some of Dick's homemade meth! And it works!
Once again, not making a word of it up. They drugged a conductor and the film played it for laughs. But what the hell, it's 1963 and he's Russian.
Anyway, the number's back on and when Birdie leans in for his kiss...
...skinny little Bobby Rydell swings in and knocks him out with one punch. No kiss for Ann, no hit song for Dick, major embarrassment for Ed Sullivan. Sad ending, right?
Silly poodle! This is a MUSICAL. Even though in the real world everyone in this story would hate each other by now...
...Mama reveals that she suddenly got married...
...Dick and Janet fall back in love and he proposes because he's gonna make millions off his new "diet" pill formula...
...and Ann and Bobby show off their teeth. Everyone's happy - except Conrad Birdie, who's stationed in Germany and the laughingstock of the Army because some kid who can't weigh more than a buck ten knocked him out with one punch in front of millions of people. He eventually ate himself to death and died on the toilet. The end.
55 comments:
I don't know how you guys do it. Or why! But thanks for sitting through this. At least Miss Stapleton and Miss Lynde provide a bit of distraction...
I do love you guys for sitting through that drivel three times. What a riot! I loved it when the town got gassed.
Also, I really, really want the dress Ann was wearing when she didn't get kissed on TV.
I really like this musical, so I guess we're looking at it from different perspectives.
As always, thanks for your fine work.
Ah guys--I love Bye Bye Birdie. Sometimes the whole point of a musical is to be entertained by the badness of it all.
Since you enjoyed watching this one so much, maybe you want to check out the longer tv remake from sometime in the 90's. Chynna Phillips as Ann Margaret and Tyne Daly as Maureen Stapleton. If I remember right, Paul Lynde was played by George Wendt. And you have to buy into Vanessa Williams as Janet Leigh (I guess it's too hard to find hispanic actresses to play hispanic women) being in love with Jason Alexander as Dick Van Dyke. Though I must say the tv version of the telephone song is pretty good.
ooh - Thom, don't know where that "x" came from on your name! sorry.
Your commentary was hysterical, T&L. "The next morning, the town's local chapters of N.O.W. and the Radical Fairies get into a huge fistfight. The feminists win of course." Killer brilliance!
I LOVED this movie when I was a kid. Now, not so much. The story gets so stupid and completely derails by the end. The ballet on speed is beyond stupid. They should have stuck with the Broadway book.
The Broadway show was really about Albert & Rose. The movie screws up their story and centers on budding sex-bomb Ann-Margret (btw, what happened to that other "a"?).
Gay boy that I was, I was dying to be a Kennedy era sex kitten like Ann-Margret (even though it was the mid-70's). I wanted to be sexy and bad, but not too bad. I was fascinated by Ann-Margret's costume change from school dress to jeans and sweatshirt - all done onscreen under her sweatshirt. Wow! I used to try it but would generally fall over or flash something.
And Conrad being so sexy as to knock the whole town on their asses - all while wearing a gold lame jumpsuit! I wanted to move to Sweet Apple and faint along with everyone else (hopefully on top of Hugo or some other cute boy).
The Broadway cast recording was one of my early faves.
Poor Kay Medford was Albert's mother Mae on the Broadway stage. For "Funny Girl," Kay got the movie but all her songs were cut. For Birdie, she didn't even get the movie. It went to Maureen Stapleton who played Van Dyke's mom despite being just a few months older than him.
You sure called the Janet Leigh thing. She was so badly cast. Chita was once again robbed of a movie that should have been hers. And why did the writers feel the need to change Rose's last name from Alvarez to DeLeon?
Some folks to look for amongst the high schoolers and townsfolk: Kim Darby (True Grit, Don't be Afraid of the Dark), Melody Patterson (Wrangler Jane on F-Troop), Elaine Joyce (game show mainstay, Bobby Van's widow and the current Mrs. Neil Simon), and Linda Henning (Betty Jo Bradley on Petticoat Junction).
Randolph McAfee (Paul Lynde's son) is played by Bryan Russell who is the real life little brother of Jeannie Russell who memorably played pig-tailed, bespectacled Margaret Wade on "Dennis the Menace" and is now a doctor and advocate for child performers.
Ann-Marget. What can I say? She's cheesy and i LOVE her. And I always thought being immortalized on "The Flintstones" as Ann-Margrock was about the living end and the height of celebrity.
And Paul Lynde, well Thombeaux's post about him over on Fabulon is about all you have to say about Lynde. Genius bitchy queen (Paul, not Thom).
Hoo boy. My older sister's school did this play when she was in the 7th grade and it blew hard. (For the record, she was "Nancy" in the telephone song: "Hi, Nancy!" "Hi, Alice!" - and that was the end of her speaking role) Not to mention their Conrad Birdie straight up said "Don't cast me in a singing role, because I can't sing."
But hell, I was in 4th grade and thought it was the coolest thing ever. For that reason, I've got such nostalgia for the movie that I just can't hate it.
You two are hilarious.
OK
"Ann shows off her new hair color to her furious father, who had his heart set on that color for himself."
Another keyboard ruined after I spit my Starbucks again.
Do you guys own stock in Dell or something???
How ADORABLE was Anne Margaret?
And just FYI...Yours truly played Rose back in the day.
You guys bring sunshine to my gray Monday world. It's fun to laugh!
"Later we meet Ann's Stepford mother and flamingly gay father (Paul Lynde, of course)"
Mock if you must, but I'd bet that this movie is what gave Sen. Larry Craig the idea that he could pull this off himself.
--Gotham Tomato
"Except one, of course." Oh, Paul Lynde, my 2nd favorite character actor on Bewitched (Agnes Morehead being #1) I finally watched this for the 1st time about 1 month ago and I have to say my high school's version was at least as good. Never knew Maureen was so versatile: musical comedy and an Oscar for playing Emma Goldman in Reds.
Two questions for Encyclopedia Bill:
1- whatever happened to the actress who played Ursala?
2- Wasn't that 'Gotta Lot of Livin' to Do' number choreographed by Bob Fosse? And wasn't he in it?
--Gotham Tomato
Yay! Love it! You deserve big smooches for sitting through this and making us all laugh for your efforts!
I loved this when I was a kid but now I know it wasn't THAT funny! Back then I thought Conrad was so sexy but I eventually figured out he looked like an over the hill male physique model. Squeezed into that jumpsuit? Yikes!
Janet Leigh should have played this role like she was Serena in Bewitched. She looked a little like her with that black wig.
Hey Bill. Who's the girl who played Ursula? I used to see her a lot back in the day and remember her in "Cinderella" with Leslie Ann Warren. She was in the "The Prince Is Having A Ball!" number as one of the townspeople.
I was sure you'd have a screen capture of Ann Margret squishing her tits together with her upper arms when she sings "Bye Bye Bird-he" at the end of the movie. This is the only part of the movie that doesn't get old and I think that one song made her a star.
Thanks for your review!!
BrianB
I love Bye Bye Birdie, as I played Ursula TWICE when my HS did did the play, and I swear--I don't remember half of this crap. Is the musical radically different from the movie?
Darlings- are you insane? You watched this three times? You're martyrs, I swear. Janet Lee, Ann Margret and Paul Lynde all put together (now there's a picture) probably didn't watch it three times.
"He eventually ate himself to death and died on the toilet. The End."
Love you both so much.
ah. thank you, my school did bye bye birdie for a musical this year and after that i needed it to be made fun of! :)
I always loved Paul Lynde, even when I didn't know who he was. He was such a sweet man, and so snarky, too.
Anyway, just wanted to ask you: Did y'all watch Judge David Young? The show is so fun!
When the town gets gassed I'm so, SO stupidly amused by the guy who fainted face-first over a park bench with his ass in the air...
Nice- for weird, long reasons this musical is my least favorite thing on earth, and this brightened my day.
bwahaha! Now THAT'S funny! Got my money's worth today.
Died on the toilet--gold!
Wow! I am officially the 2nd hag posting who played Ursula in her high school version of this, well, not very good show. From which they made a really really bad movie.
But when I was 14 I thought it was awesome.
I think you should give Ann-Margaret another chance--maybe with the actual Elvis? Or when she was in "Tommy"!!
Yes! please give us your take on Mrs Walker!
You. Two. Are. Fabulous!! :)
You didn't include the very best part of the movie, the title song with Ann-Margaret!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLqmUPU59Dc
For odd brain cross-wired reasons, whenever I hear the words Bye-Bye Birdie, I hear them to the tune of Bye-Bye Baby from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. I think I like it that way.
Black people in the deep south roll their eyes and fight off the fire hoses and attack dogs.
Oh man. I love you guys.
-Vera
Gosh, that Lindsay Lohan sure can sing and dance when she's sober!
I *do* appreciate you sitting through it three times. You always come up with something to make a crappy day better.
Thank you again. You are better me than I
I wish they had filmed a musical number around your last sentence however.
*That* I would watch.
Amazing. I'd forgotten what a corded telephone looked like!
The ONLY reason I liked this movie was because their last name was McAfee...mine too! BTW I read somewhere that the movie was in danger of tanking, and either the producer or director (I forget which) shot the opening song with Ann-Margret hoping that would help this POS. I guess it did...
BTW her name is "Margret" and not "Margaret" because that that must be how it's spelled in Sweden, where she was born (her birth name was Ann-Margret Olsson).
Aw. God I loved this movie.
TLo, any chance you could do "When the Boys Meet the Girls" or "Where the Boys Are"?
Do these count as musicals?
-- desertwind
PS - I heart you 2.
Dancing With an Id! Now that's a reality show I'd love to watch.
I remember watching this as a child and being extremely confused about why a girl as pretty as Ann-Margret would get anywhere near Hugo OR Mr. Birdie, who seemed creepy beyond words to me. Still don't get it.
Hey, Gotham Tomato - as far as I know, Bob Fosse was not involved in the movie. Onna White choreographed the movie & Gower Champion did the dances for the Broadway musical (as well as directing the show).
I have no idea what happened to Trudi Ames. She had a decent little career as a teen (Gidget Goes to Rome, anyone?) but disappeared after that.
I've always found this movie unbearable, even with Paul Lynde. And much to my horror, I now wonder if it was responsible for the popularity of the name 'Kim' in the late '60s early '70s...
Blech.
Love ya poodles!
What, no vagina hats??
This is musical Tuesdays for me. Watching this three times.... you are my heroes.
I was 15 when this came out and loved Ann Margaret as the sexbomb that was noisily ticking away, frightening her family.
You guys are a laugh riot! :)
K-H-R-U-S-H-C-H-E-V
W-H-O-C-A-R-E-S
"Then Dick uses their son's chemistry kit as a meth lab and doses the family turtle."
My roommate now thinks I should be committed for laughing so hard. Thanks alot guys. lol
I LOVED this movie when I was younger. Loved it. It caused a total Ann Margret girl crush.
Now, not so much. But I still laugh at the punch "One LAS...!"
"Yes, it's Bye Bye Birdie! The musical extravaganza that...sucks."
Is it just me, or could most of the musical monday reviews be distilled into those words?
I've decided to become a little less of a passive reader and a little more proactive.
My next request:
"That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball..."
Ah, Ken Russell.
Aren't you getting sick of Musical Monday yet? Seriously. Every single musical is so absurd. You must be writhing in pain each week, trying to put these posts together for us.
Here's to next week's absurdity.
Yeah, the movie musical is massively different from the stage play. The meth lab/ballet stuff is totally made up (and terrible). Appropriately, Albert wants to be an English teacher, not a Chemistry teacher. As I recall the original Hugo is also a non-singing part, so it weirded me out when he suddenly broke into song in the movie.
Not that movie musicals need to be utterly true to the source material, but... maybe without the turtles on speed at least, okay?
I only have one question - How in the hell does a kid in the 1960's suburbs have a car phone???
(ok, what were they thinking casting Janet Leigh - maybe two questions.)
AES
Birdie shows up looking 100% heterosexual to the citizens of Sweet Apple.
...
Except one, of course...
B-R-illiant!
Love you, love you, love you. I wrote a negative review of this movie on Amazon.com and you would think I had recommended the enforced sterilization of every teenager in America. People love this thing. I don't get it. The music sucks, the dialogue sucks, it's dated in the extreme, and the only thing which makes it even remotely watchable is that Ann is gorgeous, undermining her wholesome sweet idiotic lines with sex (as you geniuses note). I hope to God you've put the nail in the coffin here, though based on some of the comments, I guess not.
You sat through it three times? My LORD, what dedication! Thanks, boys! I find this film pretty much unwatchable, but I loved your recap, as always.
Very amusing guys. I love this movie...I've sat through it WAY, WAY more than three times (maybe I have permanent brain damage as a result?) I wrote a very positive review of it for the Internet Movie Database for which I also got crucified (apparently I should be ashamed for not denigrating it as having done irreprable damage to the art form of film, blah, blah, blah. Pompous "film" a**holes!). It's just a dumb, fun movie and a sweet time capsule of its era. You gotta love the Flinstones dolls in Kim's bedroom...very early product placement plug in a studio film.
By the way, re: the whole "why was Janet Leigh cast in this?" controversy. Answer: She was a MAJOR box office draw at the time, and she was an old buddy of the director, George Sidney, from their palmy days at MGM. And, despite its cheesetastic flavor, this movie had the most lucrative opening week in the history of Radio City Music Hall (they used to show movies there back then).
Keep up the good work, guys!
This was so funny...the first one of your blogs I have ever come across. Love your work! Thanks for the laughs.
I played the Mama on stage in community theater a few times, and always loved playing the role... but the film could have kept more of the stage version's storylines.
Thanks for the laughs after a long, long week. You two are so good to us!
i am laughing my ass off
wow, you really need to lighten up - you'll be a bitter old bag before you know it (you've already got the bitter down).
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