Musical Monday: The Sound of Music (Part 2)

Monday, July 23, 2007 by

Previously on Musical Monday: A lark who is learning to pray...a flibbertigibbet...to face a world of men...doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles...a drink with jam and bread...one little girl in a pale pink coat heard...small and white, clean and bright...a sad sort of clanging.

Suspecting that the Baroness had something to do with Maria's sudden departure, the children surround her and attempt to stone her to death.

The Captain intervenes and informs the wild-eyed children that instead of beating her to death, they all have to welcome her as their new mother.

They attempt to act pleased, but this is the best they can manage.

Elsa, on the other hand, is salivating over the prospect of being legally allowed to beat and imprison them whenever she feels like it.

Later, the children rush off to the Abbey to see Maria, but Sister Lila Quartermaine calls the girls whores for having hair and tells the boys to stop masturbating or they'll go to hell.

The Reverend Mother calls Maria into her office to berate her for allowing a man to see her hair and ankles.

Taking this to mean that she should go back and see if the Captain will sex her, Maria puts on her tightest dress and returns to the family, where she abruptly starts singing again.

The singing soon ends as the Captain enters the picture and even the 5-year-old can sense the sexual tension in the air.

Elsa's having none of it.

"Darling, isn't it wonderful? Your dumpy little singing nun is back! Why, I think she might have cut her hair for the occasion! And look! I believe she's wearing a new dress! Did the abbey get new curtains, dear?"

Later that night, Maria walks the grounds in a flimsy dress and the Captain tries to see if she's wearing underwear or not.

He realizes he has a fetish for boyish, asexual women and reveals this to the Baroness. Since she's not willing to cut her own hair and wear sensible shoes for him, she saunters off with an "Auf wiedersehen, darling." and a cutting remark about how lousy he was in bed. She steals some silverware on her way out.

Before the Baroness has even had a chance to call a cab, the Captain is off to get him some nun.

Who knew it was so easy?

On her wedding day, the nuns follow her menacingly and taunt her by calling her a shameless hell-bound whore.

STOP! Nazi Time!

In a flurry of uncomfortable expositional dialogue, we learn that:
a) Austria is now under Nazi control
b) The Captain and Maria have been away on their honeymoon for a month
c) They left the children in the care of their creepy "Uncle" Max
d) He's taken the opportunity to whore them out for money
e) The Captain and Maria are self-centered assholes without a lick of common sense

Rolf, practically preening in his shiny new uniform, sneeringly tells Liesl that he's into leather now and doesn't have time for her.

After a month-long marathon of non-stop fucking, the happy couple decides to come home to see how their children are faring after the Nazi invasion. Maria suddenly has breasts.

The Captain is furious with Max for not single-handedly stopping the invasion.

Meanwhile, Liesl pathetically thinks that Maria's a good person to go to for romantic advice. They sing a little duet about landing a rich man by getting hired as domestic help.

The Captain calls Maria into the shadows to tell her that he's being ordered to report to Berlin but not to worry, he has a brilliant escape plan.

Demonstrating his keen military intellect, the Captain can't even manage to get out of his own house without getting caught.

The local Nazi twirls his little mustache and tells them that they will be forced to perform in public in those ridiculous outfits as punishment.

They rush through a set in their nun-inspired clothes on Austrian Idol and sneak off as the judges are deliberating.

The Nazis figure the only place a family as weird as this would run to is a convent and they storm the gates of the abbey. Sister Bitchface gives them her best bitchface before letting them in. Even the Nazis are a little afraid of her.

The Reverend Mother, demonstrating the kind of thoughtful, loving ideas that only a nun could have, locks the family in a tomb.

Maria threatens to kill any of the children who so much as breathe for the next ten minutes.

Rolf finds the family and proudly pulls his little Nazi gun out.

In a scene dripping with homoeroticism, the Captain overwhelms the little baby Nazi and emasculates him in front of his daughter. Rolf blows his little Nazi whistle and the family runs off.

The Nazis attempt to pursue, but they can't get their cars started and Sister Bitchface and Sister Lila Quartermaine reveal to the Reverend Mother that they stripped the engines.

As the chorus raises their voices in inspiration, the family escapes Austria without so much as a thought for all the nuns in the abbey, who are surely either dead or imprisoned by now. The end.

58 comments:

Suzanne said...

I always knew that Rolf was a leather man. Fantastic, boys and totally worth the wait!
OK- so which one of you went to Catholic school....your nun-sense is dead on!!

Anonymous said...

You know, I never even thought about what they probably did to the nuns. Thank God it's only a musical and most of them went on to have careers.

You guys are crazy, you know that right?

Rolf was gay, I didn't imagine that, did I?

Anne

Blatherings of a Floridian said...

ROTFL:

A lark who is learning to pray...a flibbertigibbet...to face a world of men...doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles...a drink with jam and bread...one little girl in a pale pink coat heard...small and white, clean and bright...a sad sort of clanging.

HA HA HA HA HA ....

Ted said...

"A lark who is learning to pray...a flibbertigibbet...to face a world of men...doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles...a drink with jam and bread...one little girl in a pale pink coat heard...small and white, clean and bright...a sad sort of clanging."


ROTFL. Genius!! Love the post, Boys!!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!

Laura said...

Will someone please think of the nuns??

Kelly said...

Completely worth the wait! Thank you for again giving me a reason to look forward to Monday!

Gorgeous Things said...

Bravo Boys! Hey, I had some sort of pfaffekuchen or something - it was a pancake with strawberries - in that Nazi Times Square! And I sang in that cathedral!

Lady Prisspott said...

But the line! The line! It's one of the best reasons to watch this movie. You know the line, when Maria goes to the Mother Superior hoping for helpful advice and all she gets is Mother Superior calling her hateful names; "What is it Maria?" and then she an inappropriate sexual innuendo comparing her face to a certain part of the female anatomy; "you -face"

Meghan said...

Austrian Idol....too funny.

potty mouth princess said...

STOP! Nszi Time!

Effin Brilliant. All you needed was the ability to superimpose Hammer and those balloon pants somewhere in the screencap.

I'm glad the Baronness got some silver before she left. One can never be too rich, thin, or have too many vagina bows.

mjude said...

RIOT!! this was never a favorite movie of mine but next time its on tv, i know i will be watching & thinking of this blog. LOVE you boys!

Anonymous said...

I haven't watched this show in years (ever since CBS stopped showing this and Wizard of Oz annually), but I think I may have to go out and buy this now. The nostalgia and hilarity of these last two posts are too much to withstand.

Vic said...

Since she's not willing to cut her own hair and wear sensible shoes for him, she saunters off with an "Auf wiedersehen, darling." and a cutting remark about how lousy he was in bed. She steals some silverware on her way out.

You've shown the Baroness in an entirely new light. In fact, I tend to agree, without Eleanor Parker to liven things up, this movie would descend into treacly hell. Fun post as usual!

Tom in Chicago said...

Great as always, but I agree with Lady Prissport...I waited a whole week for it:

Maria, What is it you c*nt face? [They even put that into the Will & Grace "sing along" Sound of Music episode.]

I thought for sure the gayboys would tie this into a vagina hat of some sort.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god...so amazing.

"On her wedding day, the nuns follow her menacingly and taunt her by calling her a shameless hell-bound whore" was so perfect. Thank you!

The Scarlett said...

I kind of think it is Austria's Got Talent rather than Austrian Idol since it's a group.

Loved it - especially the recap of last week's recap. Genius. And I love the thought that the Baroness made a cutting remark about his lack of sexual prowess. She seemed like such a resourceful minx.

thombeau said...

This was totally worth waiting for. Too funny!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Loved "the Captain is off to get him some nun" line.

Still hate the movie. I always thought SOM was an odd combination of a creepy plot, weirdly unnerving characters, and sappy, cringe-inducing music. Thank you T Lo for capturing a lot of that same vibe without me having to sit through the movie again.

j-yo said...

Singing children, gold-digging bitches, rolling hills, incompetent Nazis, nuns, and now your brilliant commentary ... What more does The Sound of Music need? Tom and Lorenzo, you've really outdone yourselves.

Noelia said...

"Elsa, on the other hand, is salivating over the prospect of being legally allowed to beat and imprison them whenever she feels like it."

LOL!!!!

This Musical Monday was extremely funny!!!

valpal said...

Totally agree. With last week, this is the best Musical Monday ever. The combo of the screen caps and the recaps was hilarious. The time you spent behind the cell phone chatterer with the bad hair must have been more inspirational than you knew (that, or the time spent with the Bad Brood).

macasism said...

Never liked those nuns, anyway.

Marius said...

I have to see this again. It's been a while.

snf in va said...

Someone needs to work Musical Mondays into the lyrics of "My Favorite Things"

You've outdone yourselves, TLo!

frogboots said...

"Sister Bitchface gives them her best bitchface before letting them in. Even the Nazis are a little afraid of her."


LAUGHING LAUGHING LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!

oh gods!

Say What? said...

Austrian Idol? LMAO - Picture Paula Abdul in a habit! Simon Cowel in a Nazi Uniform! And whatzhizzname in leiderhosen!

Rolf was a weenie! Oops, sorry, a wienerpolse (Austrian sausage) and that little toy gun was a joke!

The Captain never did a thing for me. Too much starch in the undergarments.

Maria, what can do with a problem like Maria? Give her 7 kids! If that doesn't ruin her day, nothing will!

Anonymous said...

They sing a little duet about landing a rich man by getting hired as domestic help.

ROFL! Thanks for another great post. My Mondays aren't complete without you!

kay gee said...

Brilliance.

And yes, there is lots of inappropriate vaginnuendo to be had in this musical. I am partial to Uncle Max's line, when the kids are sad about Maria having left:

"What's the matter with all you gloomy pussies?"

It's not as good as c*nt-face, but still awesome

TD said...

"Someone needs to work Musical Mondays into the lyrics of "My Favorite Things"

Long nails on Barbra
and tight-pants Gene Kelly
Large-chest Jane Russell
makes men turn to jelly
Flashy v-ginas all
tied up with bows
Tom and Lorenzo make fun
of bad shows

Bright-colored costumes,
Ann Miller’s tap dancing
Young girls date old men
in scary romancing
Judy wears yet more
unflattering clothes
Tom and Lorenzo make fun
of bad shows

Girls in long dresses
with sequins and feathers
Guys in the Navy, in gangs
dance together
Did they drop acid,
oh who the hell knows
Tom and Lorenzo make fun
of bad shows

When the week starts
When the work hits
When I’m feeling blue
I simply log on to Musical Mondays
And then T&L come through.

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

Good job Td!


Tom and Lorenzo you out did yourself. Fantastic.

Favorite line among many favorite lines " she saunters off with an "Auf wiedersehen, darling." and a cutting remark about how lousy he was in bed. She steals some silverware on her way out."

Anonymous said...

I was always puzzled about why the Baroness seemed to give up so easily. I never realized it was because she realized the Captain was closeted. Poor Captain. I wonder if he ever figured it out.

Big Shamu said...

Oh dear lord, you bitches are better than Prozac on crappy Mondays.
I can't wait for Movie Nuns DeathMatch.

Anonymous said...

"blows his whistle"...? Oh, the double entendre!

snf in va said...

"When the week starts
When the work hits
When I’m feeling blue
I simply log on to Musical Mondays
And then T&L come through."

Absolutely faboo, TD! ;^D

TLo said...

td, we're blushing.

Very, very well done!

thombeau said...

TD, that is absolute perfection! YAY!!!

Say What? said...

td, you made it work!

Anonymous said...

oh my goodness TD that was too perfect

Valpal said...

TD!! That's fantastic!!!

There must be a musician among us who can belt that one out and post it on YouTube. Please, please, please: someone go for it!

Anonymous said...

"Maria puts on her tightest dress."

Thank heavens it fit at all, considering it was the dress the postulant was wearing in the previous scene with the evil Penguin.

Anonymous said...

"Maria suddenly has breasts." So random. So perfect. You bitches are too funny.

~kc

aimee said...

"On her wedding day, the nuns follow her menacingly and taunt her by calling her a shameless hell-bound whore."

BWAH! I think I broke something trying not to laugh out loud. That's what I get for reading you guys at work.

Anonymous said...

td - Truly inspired! Brilliant.

T&L - Please run for office.

Anonymous said...

Please, please, please... "Fiddler on the Roof" soon?

td said...

A little reworking of "My Favorite Things" is the least I could do to thank T&L for the many, many laughs. (Thanks go to "snf in va" for the idea of a parody in the first place.)

By my count, Tom and Lorenzo have written and posted their takes on 20 (!) separate musicals already, ever since the very first "Funny Girl" (pre-"MM") posting. Incredible.

Jules said...

td, it goes back to White Christmas. Loooove your take on the song! Bravo boys, you've outdone yourselves. What a laugh these 2 weeks have been!

Sewing Siren said...

Because that's just the way the Baroness rolls. Is my new mantra.

td said...

Shame on me, jules.

How could I possibly have forgotten "Hey General! Did you ever think you're losing money because you apparently built a massive entertainment complex in the middle of the woods? The heating bills alone are probably what did him in."

And: "Later that night, Bing and Rosemary meet in the bar to sing at each other about sheep and blessings while eating liverwurst sandwiches and buttermilk, which explains why she gained 300 pounds and why he beat his kids."

And still later: Bing in the Santa hat saying, "Okay kids, I want you to hold those candles nice and straight, you hear me? Or I'll beat the shit out of each and every one of you."

Classic.

Jules said...

td, really, wasn't White Christmas the start of something beautiful, thanks to T&L??!!!! Boys, can I be your sister or soemthing? You provide me with more laughs and one-liners on a weekly basis than any of my friends here do.

snf in va said...

*Blush* Thanks for the shout out, TD!

Ya know, its not just the wit of TLo that brings me here, but the often hysterical contributions of many of the posters.

So, make that a big thanks to everyone!

;^D

Bill said...

Oh, Crap! I just found the newspaper picture of me winning the Singalong Sound of Music costume contest in my Elsa Schraeder getup.

Check my blog to see it.

Jules said...

Oh Bill, that is excellent!

Anonymous said...

Four things -

Been in the hospital (nothing fun or with a new great body as a result)- Missed T&L terribly, especially MM's! No internet allowed in my room. :-(

Bill - Fantastic "Baroness"! Thanks for sharing! Not everyone can pull off that much frou-frou, but you rocked it!

Td - Great parody! I judge music contest every year (remember Solo & Ensemble Contest in Jr./Sr. High School?) I will never listen to this song the same way again. (And, considering I hear it about 45 times every April, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!)

T & L - "Sister Lila Quartermaine" - I never knew it was her! Thanks for pointing it out! Your MM posts are such a bright spot in my Monday. I really appreciate all that you have done and how much you share with all of us! I STILL go back and watch/read "White Christmas" on occasion. Classic!

Glad to be back among the living and the WITTY!

ProfP

Anonymous said...

Great blog in deed. BTW, did you notice that Louisa and Friedrich were one and the same kid, only they put the poor thing in drag in the Louisa scenes? Maybe they did a cloning experiment. Evil times in deed.

Carol said...

I KNEW it. I knew Rolf was gay. WHAT 17 year old hetero boy would turn down a chance to make out with a randy 16 year old?? This explains EVERYTHING!

Grackle Girl said...

Since she's not willing to cut her own hair and wear sensible shoes for him, she saunters off with an "Auf wiedersehen, darling." and a cutting remark about how lousy he was in bed. She steals some silverware on her way out.

...had me laughing so hard! This was so damned funny! Thank you!

Lauren Jean said...

So I just got back from Salzburg, Austria, where I went on a Sound of Music tour. Totally thought about this the entire time. But, fun fact, the mountains they climb in the movie basically lead them right into Germany, and are fairly close to the one that Hitler built his home away from home on. The Captain really has great military sense, huh?