Musical Monday: Royal Wedding

Monday, June 25, 2007 by

Yes, it's Royal Wedding! The slightly disturbing story of a brother-sister entertainment duo and their inappropriate relationship!

Our story starts here, as Tom & Ellen Bowen (Astaire and Jane Powell) are closing out their hit show in New York by grossing out the audience.

Brother and sister, folks. These two make Karen and Richard Carpenter look downright normal in comparison.

Backstage after the show, Jane introduces Fred to her latest fuck buddy. His name doesn't matter. He's only one in a long line. Fred is cordial, but he knows that at the end of the day, his sister is going home with him.

The three of them head out to a bar to meet their manager, played by Keenan Wynn. Keenan tells them that he's got them booked for London and they leave in a week.

Another of Jane's conquests shows up and she's not even concerned about any sort of uncomfortable scene happening. She just does what she always does.

Ignores them while they fight over her and then leaves.

The next week, yet another of her lovers shows up to see her ship off. She pretends like she's going to miss him.

Fuck buddy also shows up to see her off. The hell with the Dramamine, we just hope she packed some industrial grade penicillin

And of course, yet another fist fight breaks out...

...to the sheer delight of Fred and Jane. Well, it's official. These two are assholes.

Later, they walk arm in arm around the ship, startling the other passengers with their inappropriate touching.

Jane takes some time off from touching her brother to flirt with the hotness of Peter Lawford. Peter is a Lord and that immediately gets Jane's nipples perky.

She drags him off to meet Fred, since apparently he gets the final word on who she can sleep with. Fred gives her the go-ahead.

But you can tell he's really bummed about it.

So he heads off to the gym to work off his sexual frustration. This is only an okay sequence. Not Fred's best work by a long shot. For some reason, Fred and Gene Kelly seemed to spend most of the late '40s and early '50s dancing with inanimate objects.

Later that night, Jane and Fred decide to come clean with the whole ship about their disturbing relationship:


Next stop: Stock footage!

After checking into their hotel room (Yes, "room." Singular.), Fred and Jane meet their manager's twin brother, also played by Keenan Wynn. Inexplicably, he's not just English, he's the "Pip, pip. Cheerio, my good chap, wot?" kind of English that you only found in old Hollywood films. Were they separated at birth or something? This is never explained.

On his way to rehearsals, Fred stalks a local girl, played by Sarah Churchill, who was, believe it or not, Winston's daughter. She gives him the cold English shoulder.

But Oh! Who could have predicted that she's a dancer on the way to audition for Fred's very show! Not us, that's for sure!

Fred tells her that the only way she'll get in the show is if she agrees to go out with him, so naturally, she does.

Meanwhile, Peter and Jane are spending some quality time in front of a rear projection screen.

That night, Jane and Fred lie to each other and pretend that they're going to bed instead of going out on dates.

By the way, kudos to their very talented fictional mother, who managed to have children 30 years apart.

Fred tries to get Sarah drunk but she's having none of it. She tells him that she's engaged to be married to an American that she hasn't spoken to in months. Talk about your mixed signals.

The next day, Fred is pissed because Jane is clearly getting some and he's not.

After it turns out that Peter can't make it to opening night, the siblings reunite in a fit of passion and declare that they'll be each other's date for the night. We get a little nauseous every time they touch each other.

Opening night! And once again, their choice of material disturbs everyone.

Okay, it's a cute song with clever lyrics but, as we've said before, we never could stand it when Fred tried to play "rough." It just never worked. And that is some disturbing choreography. He looks like he's ready to beat her at any second.

Backstage, Fred is pissed that Peter showed up and ruined his chances with his sister once again.

Peter declares his love for Jane and she's all "Hey, why don't I just sing to you instead?"

Fred, lonely and horny, steals Sarah's picture from the lobby display and takes it back to his room to masturbate. Which he does the only way he knows how:

Let's face it: it's an amazing sequence.

Fred had English-Keenan check up on Sarah's supposed fiance in America and is delighted to find out that the guy is married to someone else.

Time for one more disturbingly sexual number!

Although to be honest, it's actually hysterical when you consider that Jane Powell, who couldn't possibly be any whiter, is supposed to be a Haitian temptress in this number.

Fred breaks the news to Sarah about her fiance and Missy Mixed-Signals is thrilled to hear it. Why? Because now Fred can marry her! Yes, she really says that.

Is there anyone in this film who isn't seriously fucked up?

Fred's all "Yeah...listen, I just wanted some laughs until my sister gets Peter Lawford out of her system." Sarah, not at all pissed that he's fucked her around, smiles gently and lets him off the hook. She's English, which means she can't display any extreme emotions, but you know she went back to her place that night and slashed all her pillows with a butcher knife.

Back at their hotel room, the siblings have a lover's quarrel when they each hear that the other got a marriage proposal that night. After fighting a bit, they agree to stay with each other.

Ew.

The next day they all head out to watch stock footage of the royal wedding.

Fred takes time away from pretending to cheer to notice that Jane is miserable and he probably can't make her as happy as studly Peter Lawford. This is a musical and we all know what that means, don't we kittens?

INEXPLICABLY RUSHED DOUBLE WEDDING! Kiss kiss. The End.

Oh god, we feel so dirty now.

But! As an extra added Musical Monday bonus, we include this link to watch the ENTIRE movie, since it's in the public domain, which explains why the quality of the print is so bad. We hear that there will be a remastered, cleaned up edition released some time in the next year.



33 comments:

Kristi said...

Seriously, ew. And this musical should come with a warning, "Some songs in this production are song in octaves that only dogs and small children can hear." Jane Powell was not a sea of hotness, was she?

Sewing Siren said...

I don't know Kristi, I think Jane has kind of a wholesome hottness going on.
Is it gross to dance with your brother? I used to go dancing with my brother all the time.... and we turned out ok.. oh.

aimee said...

Maybe it's just me, but Sarah Churchill (in the one picture where Fred tells her that her fiance is already married) looks like Cary Grant in kabuki makeup. Scary! But yummmm... Peter Lawford.

NahnCee said...

Angelina Jolie and James Haven: Most "ewwwwww" sibling factor ever.

Anonymous said...

The incestiness gets even ickier when one remembers that originally, this pic was supposed to star Judy Garland and Fred Astaire, who only a year or two before had played dance partners and lovers in Easter Parade.

Oh, and Sarah Churchill's a man, baby. Don't know how they slipped that one past the Hays Office.

thombeau said...

Not familiar with this film (aside from the "dancing on the ceiling" bit) so really only have your words to go on. Which are more than enough, really, since they had me chuckling throughout! This movie would probably be fun to watch with friends, while drinking heavily.

By the way, Anonymous 12:07---"incestiness"! The best new word since "truthiness"! Too funny!

KingRoper said...

Fred became famous dancing on stage with his sister Adele... I can only hope their act wasn't as gross as the numbers in this movie...

I've never made it through this flick - thanks for the recap so I'll never have to! The two good clips (dancing w/the hatrack & dancing on the ceiling) have been ruined for me by their use in commercials/Lionel Richie videos anyway.

shiver72876 said...

"By the way, kudos to their very talented fictional mother, who managed to have children 30 years apart."

HA! This comment reminds me of another age issue I had with a movie this weekend. Watched Ghost Rider with the boyfriend (his choice) and it was TERRIBLE. My biggest problem being that Nic Cage is 10 years older than Eva Mendes who was playing his love interest but they had young actors playing them as teenage sweethearts! So if Nic's character was even the lastest of the teens at 19 that would mean his love interest was 9 YEARS OLD???? It just grossed me out. Plus they gave Nic a dark wig of hair to youth him up a bit and it looked awful. Now 10 years is not that unbelievable an age diff if the characters had met as adults! It was the teen flashback that ruined the premise for me. Ok, that ends my off topic rant. Thanks.

snf in va said...

"These two make Karen and Richard Carpenter look downright normal in comparison."

Eeeeeek! That alone makes me scared to watch the movie. I think I'll settle for the TLo treatment on this one.

bitchybitchybitchy said...

Oh, and Sarah Churchill's a man, baby. Don't know how they slipped that one past the Hays Office.

Sarah does have that mannish girl look, doesn't she though?

and, yes, incestiness-wonderful word!

Gorgeous Things said...

I've managed to avoid this one. And thanks to you, I will do so in the future as well! Besides the 'ewwww' factor, there's the fact that, in the dance sequence, Jane is no Ginger. Eek!

Cyn said...

Thank god I'm not the only one who has dispised this movie from the start. Ugh...excellent review. So glad I found you guys! Love the site.

Audra1976 said...

Speaking of musicals with rushed double weddings at the end, have you ever seen "The Pirate Movie" (1982) with Christopher Atkins and Kristy McNichol? It's a retelling (sort of) of Pirates of Penzance. I loved it as a kid, saw it again recently and it still held up for me. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

valpal said...

You sweet boys...not only did you sit through this movie to give us the recap, but you had to watch everyone in the movie smoke cigarette after cigarette! I hope that it wasn't too brutal. Hey! Maybe it'll help: start associating cigs with incestiness and you'll never want one near your mouth again!

The Java Junkie said...

Yes, thank you for sitting through this for us boys - I think the only way that the newer, cleaner re-mastered version will ever sell is if they use your commentary on the package...

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

Dear Doctor Tom and Doctor Lorenzo,

This is better than therapy. I knew Hollywood had screwed with my mind. I have a ton of opulent visual memories tied to bizarre creepy plots. I feel strangely relieved when you point out the askewed premises.

BrianB said...

I have to admit I love the Haiti number, more than anything for the music and Fred's outfit. But the rest of the picture is so blah and quaint. I mean when the highlight is straining to see how good Queen Elizabeth looks in her golden carriage, well, what can I say?

I must admit that the brother/sister thing didn't present itself to me the way it did for you. Or maybe I just didn't want to look that closely.

BrianB

Bill said...

Been up in the attic all day tearing out filthy decades-old insullation. Musical Monday was the perfect thing for taking a little break.

Like Thombeau and others, I know this flick only from clips shown in "That's Entertainment" type shows so thank for the recpa T&L.

Your stock footage comments had me rolling.

I liked that Jane Powell got on the ship to England wearing a huge (but plain) "Look at me! I'm frustrated but available" Hat.

I thought it was fitting that the slightly fey and delicate Fred Astaire ends up with the horsey and mannish Sarah Churchill.

Inexplicably rushed double weddings! LOL They always feel like the director suddenly realized, "We have to finish this movie tomorrow!" and it's the quickest way to wrap things up. The only IRD wedding I ever thought fit the story was the one at the end of the classic screwball comedy "The Palm Beach Story."

As Kingroper said, Fred started out onstage with a dance act with his sister Adele. They began in vaudeville as kids and continued as adults. It was just as creepy as in the movie http://www.peopleplayuk.org.uk/images/objects/cropped2/300/sch200304111311-006.jpg

Just like the siblings in the movie, Fred & Adele took their act to England and were a big hit on the London stage. Adele eventually retired from dancing and married the son of the Duke of Devonshire. He was not nearly as hot as Peter Lawford. http://www.discoverlismore.com/images/adeleastaireandlordcavendish.jpg

brilliant said...

start associating cigs with incestiness and you'll never want one near your mouth again!


Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

@audra1976: Wow Kristy McNicol! Haven't heard that name in a while. Whatever happened to her?

carmelita said...

T&L, your comments make me laugh every week--thanks again!
I saw this movie recently and totally missed the "ick" factor of the brother/sister team. I'm not sure if that makes me naive, or if I have an unusually high "ick" threshold--now that's a scary thought!!

Brandenburg3rd said...

Even when I was a kid, I watched this with a screwed up twist on my face. The idea of sharing a hotel room with ANY of my brothers.... no, thank you!!! It just seemed way wrong even then.

Anonymous said...

I agree that RW scores high on the 'ewwww' meter, but do love the dancing on the ceiling number. Even Lionel Ritchie couldn't ruin it for me, and that's saying something. And that scene is amazing for several reasons, including that it was shot with only 2 cuts once Fred enters the hotel room. Take that, MTV.

Anonymous said...

Here I always thought they were secretly married. Thanks for [s]ruining the musical[/s], er, I mean, pointing out the error of my ways!

Kzspot

floretbroccoli said...

I've heard that the price of being able to film in London and having access was to cast th prime minister's oh-so-talented, oh-so-lovely daughter.

lisasabatier said...

OK, changing the subject, where are the Tyson and Tab smack down pics? I have tried to be patient, boys.

Anonymous said...

LisaSabatier said...

OK, changing the subject, where are the Tyson and Tab smack down pics? I have tried to be patient, boys.

WORD!

bungle said...

Even a cursory look at the mating habits of European Royalty would confirm that Royal Wedding is the perfect title for a brother/sister incest story.

Thanks again PRG's!

td said...

Go to YouTube and type in two last names -- McNichol Carpenter -- for a scary clip of the former sibling pair (Kristy and Jimmy) on the latter's (Karen and Richard) Christmas special from 1978.

Hang in there long enough and the four of them sing together! It's bizarre yet oddly charming -- and better than "Royal Wedding" apparently!

BONUS: Under Related Clips is a musical number featuring Kristy, Karen, and Georgia Engel!

td said...

And is it wrong that I started watching the coat-rack dance and thought about buying a Dirt Devil?

macasism said...

I love the coatrack dance and the ceiling dance. By this time Fred was in his '50's and had to resort to props to keep the interest high. When, oh when, dear boys, are we going to do the REAL Fred, say Top Hat or The Gay Divorcee.....

Love, your dead horse beater, macasism

folavril said...

Dear God, please make more hysterically funny gay men like Tom and Lorenzo. RIGHT NOW. The world needs them!

Tony Makara said...

As someone who thinks Jane Powell is the most delicious and the most talented woman ever to walk this earth I can't possibly agree with your caustic Freudian synopsis, however I did enjoy the photos of Jane Powell!

Ellen M said...

I believe that Kristy McNichol has battled mental illness for years (bipolar)and that is why we never see her anymore. She is also a lesbian (not that they're connected). I always thought that she was talented.

Poor Fred. I can understand pairing him with younger women as he got older, but younger women who couldn't dance? That was weird, but they did it all the time in the '50s.

It would have looked better had Fred and Sarah been siblings. They have some similar facial features, even if she is manlier looking.

This whole movie is kind of a mess. The title always threw me off. Where's the royal wedding? Oh, there it is, fleetingly.