From Variety:
"HOLLY
WOOD -- "Battlestar Galactica" exec producer David Eick is teaming with feature scribe Laeta Kalogridis to reinvent "The Bionic Woman" for NBC.Eick and Kalogridis will exec produce a new take on "Bionic," a 1970s spinoff of "The Six Million Dollar Man" in which Lindsay Wagner played tennis pro-turned-superwoman Jamie Sommers."
This is FABULOUS. Sun-fried California hair! Fembots! Weirdly Elektra-like relationships with her boss and her doctor! Track suits! Fembots in Vegas! On-again-off-again relationship with cranky closet case former astronaut!The "evil"
Jaime with the horrendous southern accent ("Thay'res only gon'be WUN Jaime Sommers naow!")! Max, the Bionic Dog!
In talking about this post, a huge conflict arose in our marriage. You see, Tom wasn't sure if this post was going to be
too close to our Wonder Woman post, revealing "I loved her, but not as much as Wonder Woman." To which Lorenzo replied "Oh no, I was a Jaime Sommers girl. She was fabulous and I wanted to fuck Steve Austin." Clearly, we've hit upon the gay version of "Betty or Veronica?" Sure, Jaime rocked those late '70s fashions and she could work that hair as good or better than any of Charlie's Angels, but Wonder Woman fought tough-guys-in-turtlenecks dressed like a tranny hooker. Do you think Jaime Sommers could fight crime in 4-inch heels or pilot an invisible airplane? I don't think so.
Still, even Tom can admit that she was a very close second in the Fabulous Ass-kicking Fems of the Seventies sweepstakes. We think a re-do is a fantastic idea and we're tickled pink(er) that they decided to skip Steve Austin and go straight to his better half for an update.
But wait, what's this?
"It's a complete reconceptualization of the title," Eick told Daily Variety. "We're using the title as a starting point, and that's all."
Poo. We had our list of potential actresses all lined up, but now all bets are off. Who should it be, gals? And what should the "reconceptualization"
consist of? We'll start off at the extreme end of speculation and you guys can pull us back:Jaime Sommers, a black lesbian transsexual, mutilated in an unfortunate spelunking accident, now fights Al Qaeda with her laser-shooting nipples and retractable helicopter arms, thanks to the timely intervention of the United States Government, who now owns her ass. Watch Jaime learn about her new parts while she fights America-haters and looks for a little place to call her own in this crazy world. This fall on NBC!
Okay, your turn.
34 comments:
Fabulous NEWS! I cannot tell you how many times I made the schoook, schoook, schoook noise while jumping off the roof of my house trying to be Jamie Sommers!!! I remember using a "marks-a-lot" on my arm pretending it was my access panel for my bionic electronics!
Can't wait!
Based on what they've done with Battlestar, these guys don't seem to be into irony or any kind of campy SF humor. Just a guess, but I suspect that we'll see less of the funny whooshing and schooking of the original, and a lot more soul-searching reflections on what it means to be human.
But they do seem to appreciate eye-candy of both male and female varieties.
This is the producer of the show that turned Starbuck (a studly male who always saved the day) into a tough, kick ass chick who always saves the day (except for when Apollo does). This is the producer of the show that turned Boomer (a black man) into "Shannon" and "Athena" a cylon that is also female and asian. This is the producer of the show that made cylons human and might have Lucy Lawless play God...
So you're guess about the black lesbian transexual is probably right on the money.
- The Maljax
Although she probably IS bionic because of her age, I am throwing in the name Grace Jones for the new Bionic Woman
I had a Bionic Woman doll when I was a little girl. She was SO fugly, and she had flat feet. She couldn't wear any of Barbie's clothes or shoes. All she had was a brown one-piece jumpsuit, and white tennis shoes. She was like Lesbian-Barbie.
But she did have a removable panel on her arm, so that you could see the circuits and stuff inside. That was the only cool part.
The important question is: What's her sleep number???
"Yomanda said...
But she did have a removable panel on her arm, so that you could see the circuits and stuff inside. That was the only cool part."
Really? That is hilarious!
"...with her laser-shooting nipples and retractable helicopter arms..."
What? is she going to be Inspector Gadget's love child?
We have the technology....
Who will they cast? Knowing Eick, it'll certainly be someone totally hot. I'm just hoping all these side project will not detract from BSG, the best show on tv.
as long as she doesn't bionic-cry every episode. She was such a whiner! The BSG team will make this amazing. They had better get Lindsay to guest star as a mom or a nun or something.
Can't these F*^&in' hacks come up with their own ideas? Must they troll the 70's 80's ad nauseum graveyard for everything? "Heroes(another NBC Universal show)" may be a rip off of Xmen & MutantX, but--
Oh.
Never mind.
James Derek Dwyer said...
as long as she doesn't bionic-cry every episode. She was such a whiner! The BSG team will make this amazing. They had better get Lindsay to guest star as a mom or a nun or something.
Yeah!
Speaking of BSG, I'm in girl love w/ Grace Park who plays Boomer. She'd RAWK as Jamie Summers! Totally Whiner Free!
Re: the doll, I remember getting one in my Easter basket circa 1977 and taking it to Mass with me. What a blessed doll that must have been.
In terms of who should be cast as Jamie, I'm thinking that they may go with a B- or C-lister who hasn't been working a lot lately, a la Jennifer Love Hewitt in "Ghost Whisperer." Having just watched the "Kill Bill" flicks on basic cable over the weekend, I'm wondering if Vivica Fox is looking for a gig?
Hey. Hold on sec - no dissing Max. Not all of us sissy-boys wanted to be Jamie Somers. (well, okay, except for maybe her hair & the way she cleaned up her kick-ass cabin at bionic speed)
I, for one, would have done anything to have a "Max the Traumatized Bionic Dog" of my very own. He was the coolest sidekick & didn't get nearly enough screen time!
Oh thank gawd! She won't have to sell mattresses any more.
Jennifer Garner as the Bionic Woman. If she can have sex with Ben Affleck (AND have his baby) she can do anything.
This show just wore me out! All that running and jumping! It was exhausting! Maybe that's why Lindsay Wagner was such a snooze on Graham Norton! She was practically comatose!
I agree, Grace Jones would be great as the Bionic Woman but I think she'd play it as the Bionic Androgyne which would nicely update the story.
Brian
Who should be the Bionic Woman?
Joan Rivers. It's the role she was made to play.
But I bet you Jamie could use that 4 inch heel to do some serious damage with the force of her bionic arm! I loved loved loved the bionic woman. We used to play bionic people as kids...sound effects and all! Hope they stay true to the original concept.
Updated version? Jamie Sommers is a graduate of "Extreme Makeover," a former frump who is suddenly powerfully beautiful due to advances in modern surgical techniques. (Think of the crossover potential!)
Only what Jamie didn't know was that her "surgery" was performed by a physician/reality show scribe, who, frustrated by his inability to parlay his stint writing for "America's Next Top Model" into membership in the Writer's Guild, has made Jamie's makeover even more extreme, with lusciously plumped up lips that can incapacitate anyone she deems to kiss; hair that can change color/length/style with the snap of a finger (no more carting around all those messy wigs for undercover work like that poor Alias chick!); teeth so bright and perfectly aligned that they can slice through any substance: steel, concrete, drywall (this bitch can chew scenery like no other.) Her long fabulous fingernails are not only the latest in permanent silk-wraps but are embedded with miniscule communication devices - whisper into the left thumb nail to make a cell phone call, tap the right index finger lightly on a desk to send a text message. (The left pinky can be used to make ebay bids.) Oh, and of course, the perfectly-formed laser-shooting nipples, which you've already mentioned.
Only one actress has the pedigree for this role - the third Simpson sister, Jessica and Ashlee's previously-unknown sibling, a quiet mousy homely brunette who is ignored by their manager-father, and who was hidden away all these years out of fear that people would see the striking resemblance between her sad plainness and the pre-surgery Jess and Ash.
They had better get Lindsay to guest star as a mom or a nun or something.
Well, uh, yeah, that's what I meant in my previous post. Lindsay's been toiling in info-mercialsway too long. Poor woman should be given a role in this new show. Perhaps something similar to Judy Dench's as "M" in James Bond movies.
As for the Bionic Woman, why not Heather Mills McCartney? She's already part bionic, has taken on the world's paparazzi, and has been quite successful in dismantling and smearing a revered Beatle icon's reputation. She'd be totally believable as super Bitch extraordinaire.
I've played that clip 3 times already. My friends and I used to play Bionic Woman and Fembots when I was a kid. Looking back, that should have been a clue.
Hmmm. Who should play the bionic woman? Tough call. Depends on where they want to go with it.
I could see several actresses doing well in the role:
Kate Mulgrew (She's already got that "You don't want to mess with me" vibe down)
Jeri Ryan (Though that may be type-casting)
Rebecca Romijn(Thinking more along the "Mystique" lines than "Pepper Dennis")
Kate Walsh (McDreamy's ex-wife on Grey's Anatomy)
Portia DeRossi
And the list goes on, this is just off the top of my head . . .
ooooh, i'm with anonymous 2:39 ~ Grace Jones for the new bionic woman. Jamie Sommers ~ meh. But Grace!! Grace can make a straight girl's heart go pitter pat. Tough, fierce, kickass. She'd take Jamie out in a second. How about that, the low-hair harpy v. hair harpy cage match? Jamie/Lindsay v. Empress Grace?
Ms. Place: "part bionic," yes indeedy and I believe it's her heart.
Why should we choose between Jamie and Wonder Woman, though? We should have action-hero girls for every mood. Whoever said Bionic Woman was like lesbian Barbie: so right. And sometimes I'm in a lesbian Barbie kind of mood.
I don't know who they should pick, but I hope it isn't Jessica Biel. And, whatever they do, they HAVE to have FemBots, and a nerdy-sexy doctor duo.
(Anon 6:31, are you Dan Blau, or are you just hinting at him?)
Go go gadget nipples!
They will probably overthink it, as producers do with most remakes, in some lame attempt to put their 'stamp' on it creatively. Problem is, many in Hollywood have no creativity. (If they did, would they be rehashing someone else's lunch to begin with?)
It will probably involve cloning or cyborgs somehow. She will probably not even be human. And it will lose all the kitsch value...
Well, I will admit though - Battlestar Galactica is supposedly even better the 2nd time around. So, who knows. I'll tune in for at least the premiere.
hayley g: gadget nipples!! j'adore hayley!!
thombeau said...
The important question is: What's her sleep number???
THAT IS REALLY DAMN FUNNY,
It should star Austin Scarlett as the new Bionic Woman with indestructable hair, fire resistant make-up and scaf which is actually his alien pet,who can use his bionic speed to sew himself a fabulous outfit in seconds in every episode and then go out to bitch slap all her enemies silly with his bionic broken-wrists.
OMG I loved that show as a kid. My friends and I would make the ch-ch-ch-ch sounds and pretend to bend things and we'd jump off of things in "slo-mo."
Who to cast? I don't have the first idea. I'd love to see a gritty newcomer, though. And I'll bet it will be some non-white ethnicity to broaden the demo, or else the supporting characters like Oscar or Dr. Rudy Wells will be. I also bet it will be in some distopian future with the Jamie character constantly at odds with her conscience and the work that the government gives her to do.
David said...
OMG I loved that show as a kid. My friends and I would make the ch-ch-ch-ch sounds and pretend to bend things and we'd jump off of things in "slo-mo."
Who to cast? I don't have the first idea. I'd love to see a gritty newcomer, though. And I'll bet it will be some non-white ethnicity to broaden the demo, or else the supporting characters like Oscar or Dr. Rudy Wells will be. I also bet it will be in some distopian future with the Jamie character constantly at odds with her conscience and the work that the government gives her to do.
Is a non white ethnicity for whatever reason such a bad idea, David? Considering there are only 5 series out of over 50 hour long dramas on network and/or cable television w/ non white leads (Dennis Haysbert-The Unit, Blair Underwood-Daybreak, Kirk Jones- Blade, America Ferrera-Ugly Betty, Edward James Almos, Battlestar Galactic) , I'd like to think the landscape and those who watch it would welcome more diversity. Do you?
The new Bionic WOman will be MEEEEEE!! A super hig powered temp who can print, file, collate, blog and still keep three attorneys convinced that the sun rises and sets out of their butts.
ANd if you don't think that's a Bionic Power, you've never seen me temp!
But I also love Istar73's suggestion of Austin Scarlett's, That hair and beauty of his is almost too perfect to be human. :)
As long as they don't make her pull back her hair to one side to use her bionic ear. That always annoyed me. "It's a BIONIC EAR! It can't hear through HAIR?"
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