See this?
This is what we thought we were serving for dessert. Now, we've made Baked Alaska before, but for some reason, in a fit of yuletide madness, we thought we'd give Martha's recipe a try. Foolish gays. Martha of course had to make this about a thousand times more complicated than it needed to be. We spent a couple days assembling the thing in our freezer and since meringue doesn't freeze well, we left the final step to be done just before the guests arrived.
Yes, we realize that was stupid. Like we said, yuletide madness.
So, 15 minutes before their arrival, Tom finds himself furiously trying to make Martha's neurosurgery-level of meringue come together when what happens? Why, our garbage disposal backs up and the dishwasher starts spewing dirty water all over our kitchen floor! This lead to Tom uttering what may be the gayest thing he ever said:
Lorenzo (on his hands and knees dirtying every clean towel in the house): Tom, I need some help here!
Tom: You can't just leave a meringue once you start it!
If we had recited the entire exchange in SugarPlum Fairy costumes it couldn't have been any gayer.
Anyway, the frikking thing just wouldn't come together and looked like melted marshmallows instead of fluffy meringue. Plus, Tom's trying to whip it in shape while simultaneously trying to avoid the growing puddle of water threatening his shoes when his hand slipped and the beaters spewed half-assed meringue all over the kitchen wall. Meringue, we may add, that could have been used for mortar in the Great Pyramid. The stuff still isn't completely gone.
So, once again, Martha ruined someone's Christmas with her overcomplicated bullshit and we should have just stuck with the classic egg whites, confectioners sugar and cream of tartar version of meringue we've always made instead of bitchface's delicate little heat-the-egg-whites
to-an-exact-temperature version.
Luckily, our guests all brought desserts with them but next year we're sticking to whatever Paula Deen tells us to do. How hard is it to melt a stick of butter and add it to everything on the menu before deepfrying it?
71 comments:
Thanks Boys, for making laugh until I cried at 7:05am.
And with you, I should have given up on Martha's Royal Icing recipe and just used caulk to put the ginger bread house together.
OMFG! I am dying here in the heartland~!
Martha has, indeed, ruined many a holiday. WARNING: Do NOT try the
'meringue favors' - little 'kisses' of meringue. Too. Fucking. Ridiculous.
I agree that her meringue results in some sort of space-age polymer that refuses to clean off of anything. Of course, she wouldn't know that, because her underlings are forced to clean up all of her messes.
Have you seen her Christmas 'how-to' book where she affixed chicken wire to the entire exterior of one of her 'charming sheds' on the property, then wove it with holly or pine boughs or some equally unattainable hoo-hah? Bitch actually sided a shed with greenery!
Go, Paula! Everything's better with butter.
Thanks for the smiles, T & L.
ProfP
Even better then that is the show when she was showing how to make your own potpourri and told you to lay it out in your ballroom to dry before starting on the next step. Most of these arent even her own ideas, she hires these overactive gay boys who are are willing to put up with her sucking the creativity out of them long enough to put it on a resume and then claims they are all her idea.
Marth Stewart- Good thing... Not so much
Boys, its alright
While Marth has great ideas on how to put things together, she is horrible at recipes. Most of them don't work and it really isn't down to lack of skill. I have been baking for years, and I can't get most of her recipes to work as they are written. I find I am always trying to save whatever mess she has directed me to make in the 11th hour.
I guess her recipes only work at the exact altitude her mansion sits on, and all of her editors for her cookbooks and magazines are too damned afraid of her to let her in on the secret that none of her shit works for the rest of humanity.
Still, the reaction of Tom to leaving a meringue to ruin so he can help Lorenzo mop up dirty water is priceless!
You made coffee come out of my nose! Ouch, the burn! But it was worth it. You guys consistently make my days merry and bright.
Oh, silly boys, stop fretting about the baked alaska already! They forgot to mention that the paella and empanadas were sublime!
Everyone had seconds - and some thirds, mother. :)
It was a lovely evening entirely!
"You can't just leave a meringue once you start it!" Words to live by. I love a good kitchen disaster story. One year my mother had just laid out most of our Thanksgiving dinner for "staging" on the kitchen table when an errant basketball came through the window, spewing glass over everything. We all had another whiskey sour and ate it anyway.
I came up to visit my parents for the holidays and to help my mom bake cookies and we ran into something slightly similar. No where near the level of drama, or gay, but still terrible a la Martha Stewart.
My mom bought this little magazine thing of Martha's 50 best cookie recipes... it wasn't pretty. In two senses of the word actually. First of all, everything called for a huge amount of butter which neither of us liked. Her instructions on Biscotti (and we followed every instruction) turned our Biscotti into Biscrocks. And nothing was photographed well. Which is my biggest pet peeve ever.
- The maljax is me
Poor gayboys.
Martha f-ed me for a Halloween party. I tried to make these pretzel "fingers" for my guests...FOUR HOURS AND MUCH SWEATING LATER...crazy bitch damn near roon'd my pahrty.
-k
Oh my jesus I think I might have just peed myself a little bit laughing. Thanks, boys.
Thank you! What a good laugh!
I'm afraid Martha is evil incarnate. She makes damn sure that no one will EVER live up to her anal-retentive projects or recipes. "...and after we dip these pickle chips in this metallic gold paint, they can be hung on the tree after they've dried!"
She's totally insane.
Happy New Year, T & L!
Paula Deen > Martha Stewart.
I haven't laughed so hard in a while. Thanks. :)
HA!! I figured out Ms. Martha long before anyone else did. If it's not in the "Joy of Cooking" cookbook (the OLD version ca. 1980s), then I don't make it.
LOVED YOUR POST! Welcome back!
First off, BWAH!! I feel for your pain, but having enough holiday catastrophes your telling of your was priceless!!!
ANd finally, I think that Buffy the Vampire Slayer summed up Martha Stewart best.
Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
Xander: Please, she-Really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much découpage without calling on the powers of darkness."
I tihnk the only thing that could hav emade me laugh harder than your post would have been watching it, particularly if you actually had been wearing Sugarplum Fairy tu-tu's, which in my version in my head you now are because I couldn't resist that image. :)
Girls, I made TWO Christmas dinners ... the first (less formal one) had pear and almond crepes and the second had Grand Marnier individual souffles with Grand Marnier creme anglaise. Don't tell me you got sucked into Martha's Swiss Meringue hell????
Martha ruins everything!
Just last year I wrote in my own blog about how she ruined my lunch. I wasn't trying to bake anything, but she was making an appearance at the Barnes and Noble across the street from my work, thus shutting down my favorite lunchbreak hangout.
My sympathies go out to you both. I, too, know how it feels when Ms. S. ruins something you enjoy so much.
xoxox,
Jacob
The Scarlett said...
Don't tell me you got sucked into Martha's Swiss Meringue hell????
That's exactly what we did, kitten. We're thinking of whipping up a batch to caulk our tub.
Miss Janey went through a "Martha phase". Much to the disgruntlement of all involved, this happened just as she started planning her wedding. Yes, she wrapped white twinkle lights around heart-shaped, grape wine wreaths til her hands were stained brown. She crafted homemade hanging candle holders from copper wire and old pickle jars until her fingers bled. She insisted on baking by herself all the cookies for the guests' welcome packages. But NEVER, EVER did she try to use fussy-Martha's recipes cuz she'd heard the rumors for years: BITCH'S recipes often result in disaster. There was HUGE hoopla years ago, bad reviews, etc. because critics claimed her recipes weren’t viable. Even so, she rose to TV lifestyle-guru superstardom. Ever wonder WHY?
Martha is Satan’s sister, honeys. Be careful how far you follow her.
Word. Whatever fat/cholesterol/carb bombs Paula has in her recipes, it is far easier to just stick to her ingredients and repent later at the gym than it is to jump right into one of Martha's master class recipes. At least your guests will get fed and like it.
The prep time alone required for most of her recipes should only be reserved for those Hampton's mothers who have 8 hours to "whip up" a candied grapefruit mimosa. I am not kidding. The rest of us have people to feed before the sun goes down and comes back up again.
I used to have a client whos mother used Martha to cater her daughters wedding back in the day when that is all that Martha did (pre K-Mart) She said the dinner was fine, not outstanding (but that would have been her pre- gay boy slave days) The next morning the mother went downstairs, turned on her oven to make cinnamon rolls for guests and realized that Martha had piled all of the dirty cookware inside the oven. When the mother called about it, Martha basicly told her to go suck it (paraphrased, not MS acutal words)
The woman is a MESS!!
btw she had Miss Piggy on her show last week and the pig went off on Martha about how one of the recipes in her new cookbook sucked and was impossible to do. The look on MS face was PRICELESS!!! If she could have served Miss Piggy up for Christmas dinner she would have!
"You can't just leave a meringue once you start it!" OMG, I think I'll make that my mantra for 2007!
But yes, I have learned the hard way that there are two publications whose recipes you should never trust: Gourmet (back away from the cassoulet!), and Martha (Buche de Noel, dears?). Shudder! The mere memory makes me want to run screaming for the hills!
Happy New Year, Dears!
Lucy and Ethel, at it again!
I tried to make Martha's bunny cake for Easter one year and the whole family laughed hysterically at it. It came out looking more like a poodle. I was mortified.
I pray that the water/dishwasher situation didn't lead to any displays of plumber's butt in front of your guests.
awww.*hugs* poor gaydudes.
whats meringue? --stupid--
me·ringue (mə-rāng') Pronunciation Key
n.
A topping for pastry or pies made of a mixture of egg whites and sugar beaten until stiff and often baked until brown.
A small pastry shell or cake made of stiffly beaten, baked egg whites and sugar, often containing fruit or nutmeats.
(a cake made from) a crisp cooked mixture of sugar and white of eggs
"thombeau said...
Lucy and Ethel, at it again!" HA!!
Few of Martha's confectionary delights have worked for me down here in the Deep South; Bitch doesn't understand that high humidity ruins everything. Paula D all the way; everything's better deep fried!
Okay, T&L, now you know. Take it from another ole southern gal, you can take any recipe Paula gives you, make it exactly or even generally like it says, and everyone will kiss your feet. I don't think there is a failure in that gal's repertoire. Southern girls' cooking rocks!!! And we don't take ourselves too seriously, either!
Poor Babies! Put down the magazine, and back away from the meringe! Martha doesn't cook, she assigns cooking to others. Take a deep breath and turn on Paula Deen, whose recipes are excellent and delicious fat pills.
Just remember:
Martha - grim, sour, anal, unpleasant. (IMHO)
Paula - Happy, gracious, spontaneous, - an excellent hostess! To whom do we owe our loyalty? (Hint...just add a cube of butter.)
My favorite Paula Recipe - Chicken Terrine. Make a batch and lay a piece gently on your foreheads until the fit passes.
Have a happy Martha-less New Years!
Rosie's Girl
Martha doesn't do any of her own labor, so how would she know? My girlfriend is a French-trained professional chef and she said Martha can't frost a cake properly to save her life.
yawning dog - hell, I used a glue gun to put the gb house together then used icing to decorate.
Martha, Martha, Martha - met that bitch in the 80's at a Junior League function (I should have known!) Talk about a cold, unpersonable, snotty woman! She makes my eyes bleed when she is doing one of her "oh, so simple project" cause she makes them so damn complicated!
Don't get me started - I could be here all night....
OMG, I read this post this morning, and 10 hours later, I'm still laughing hysterically.
My parents bought one of those pre-lit, 8 foot-tall Martha Christmas trees a few years ago, and last year when my parents were putting it up, it fell over onto my dad somehow, to which he started bitching about how he'd "see her in Hell". I guess he's not a big Martha fan, either, lol.
Heh. I wanted to make a Buche de Noel. I looked over Martha's instructions and then went for my favorite -- Nigella. Anything that takes three pages of instructions is too complicated for me to make.
I love her stuff, and have done really well with her cookie recipes, but dang she likes to make things complicated.
If you want real fun? Read her Homekeeping Book -- it's a good reference book, but I feel quite certain that her ironing chapter (yes, chapter) will not apply to me.
Marcie
I'm with Amy, still laughing 12 hours after reading this the first time. Paula & butter are are my faves. Buuut, anyone in the mood for food where pretty isn't the goal, go for any of Jill Conner Browne's Sweet Potato Queens' recipes, particularly Chocolate Stuff. Check out Chapter 12 of the SPQ Book of Love - 20 pages of recipes from the 4 major food groups: sweet, salty, fried, and au gratin. As fun to read as they are to eat. Forget Martha - go for the fun stuff in life & add butter.
Thanks for the ongoing laughs, boys!
Martha's recipes are notorious! Here in CT we know better having had to live/suffer with her longer. Also notoriously bad is the Silver Palate cookbook. Tons of mistakes and screwups. Any eggwhite thing is tough because it all comes down to humidity and the size of the egg. Most recipes are written with XL eggs in mind. Jumbo eggs give you about twice as much eggwhite. and now you know!
Dudes, I'm straight as a string and I could have told you what a crock that recipie is.
Repeat after me: ALTON BROWN IS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR.
I think the funniest thing I ever saw was a Christmas special with Martha Stewart and Julia Child about 10 years ago. They were making a dessert of some type- all I remember is that it involved piling a pastry that looked like a doughnut hole into a tree shape. Martha's was perfectly executed, of course, while Julia's (goddess that she was, god rest her soul) looked like something you would actually eat.
Martha said something snotty about Julia's presentation- and I swear that if looks could kill, it would have been jumping across the counter and wringing the Martha's neck.
The bitch did both me and my kitchen in years ago with that damn crockenbush or whatever the hell it was that she and the late great Julia Childs were making on the TV special. I swear she leaves steps out just to piss us off!
Have a Happy New Year!
I just wanted to say thank you for brightening my day after a post-dumping shopping spree and food binge.
Thank you. You make my day complete.
Ha. Larious. You Boys AND your wonderful band of witty followers can't be beat. Again, my day is made.
Martha had me at goodbye when she demonstrated to the world in general how "easy" it was to make your own marshmallows.
Make your own marshallows? Don't those things cost like 10 cents for a 100,000?
I realized as I watched her make 10 of those things in 1/2 hour what a rarified height of stupidity she'd reached, and at that moment my liking for all things Martha Stewart was over.
Thanks for a good laugh, guys. And Happy New Year.
"You can't just leave a meringue once you start it!"
I smell a new t shirt coming on...
I am convinced Martha PURPOSELY makes her shit so hard to reproduce so that she can feel superior to those of us who cannot execute the recipe/craft/project/whatever.
I catered Christmas. Screw that. Who has the time?
I am still waiting for the tell all book from whomever Martha's bitch was when she was in the can.
Thanks for adding a new Holiday disaster story to my library! It'll go nicely with my sister's Mashed Potato fiasco--which was made even better by the fact that she was wearing her roommate's borrowed wool pants without telling her!
I need to note the fact that the roommate didn't realize Sis had 1) borrowed the pants and 2) covered them with mashed potatoes until Sis was showing holiday photos to her and she recognized her pants in the photo!
I concocted inedible dessert tarts, on three consecutive Thanksgivings, thanks to Martha.
I blamed myself, then my oven, then my tart pans-- blaming Martha would be unthinkable.
Determined to improve my skills and master this recipe, I finally cross-referenced her book instructions with her website instructions.
Turns out that the book- instructions were grossly in error.
Thanks again, Martha!
My favorite Martha tip, quoted verbatim from her television show:
"...but it can be difficult to get a table at The Four Seasons, and that’s why I’ve invited head chef Christian Albin up to my kitchen in Connecticut."
Personally, I'd like to see Martha in an environment like Top Chef. I'd like to see what she'd bring to the table if she was working without her safety net of plans worked out to the Nth degree & support staff.
A side note... I also attempted a Martha biscotti recipe when doing my holiday baking. Not a good thing.
Tom is right! You can't leave a good meringue once it's started! Imagining you two in sugar plum fairy costumes during this fiasco is almost too much for me. Hysterical.
Martha does seem to LOVE to make things particularly difficult doesn't she? She SO insecure! Personally, if I hear her say "wonderful" again I might hurl.
Merry merry boys. Hope it was lovely, marshmallow Alaska and all.
"...but it can be difficult to get a table at The Four Seasons, and that’s why I’ve invited head chef Christian Albin up to my kitchen in Connecticut."
12/29/2006 8:41 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHA. This is SO FUNNY! So I guess if we can't get a table at the Four Seasons then we should just pick up the phone and get a 4-star chef to come over, huh? Martha's a dumb***.
Oh, yeah and to the blogger who suggested she be on Top Chef, my boy Sam (hot diabetic on Season 2) would filet her then saute her.
jules - I do love the Sweet Potato Queens, but I always thought the 4 food groups were Salt, Sugar, Grease and Caffeine.
I am CRYING here! That was hysterical! At some point you just had to stop and laugh, didn't you?
Every Martha recipe should come with a disclaimer saying DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
Favorite Paula recipe is Gorilla Bread. Make it at your next brunch and you will be heroes to all who taste it. Plus it's the easiest damn thing I ever made!
kat
if martha is so wrong, off base, bitchy, difficult and tiresome....why do people still watch her show, read her magazines, use her recipes?
sure she is from a different stratosphere....where rainbows never dim and the toilet paper does not run out. but, she managed to bring countless of eager watchers out of the ordinary to a new level of frustration. one where perfection is key.
do not attempt the meringue if you have water boiling on the stove, opening the fridge and oven doors. have countless people breathing in the house and cannot give your full attention to every aspect of the recipe.
next time you want to make something that requires a degree from the culinary institute think twice, take a xanax, and open up the twinkies.
I got sucked into a Martha hell only once, years ago, when I made my first Thanksgiving dinner. (I woke up with insomnia, saw her special that morning, and decided to do a very Martha Turkey Day.)
Oh yes, gently loosen the turkey skin and pour some sherry between the skin and the flesh. You see where this is going, don't you? The skin of a raw turkey would like to stay somewhat closer to the flesh than Martha would have us believe. Accordingly, something more than gentle force was required. That pop you hear in your head is the whole frigging leg coming out of its joint and then flying (see, Turkeys DO Fly) across the room, off the cabinets and into the dog dish. As the dog was (fortunately) outside, I did a little Julia Child move -- running across the kitchen, lifting the leg, running it under some water and affixing it back in the turkey like a veterinary orthopedist. And there was no sherry, so I used Bourbon.
I hate that bitch Martha.
Hey yawningdog, I had the SPQ Book of Love open to page 168 to get that phrasing. I think the groups change depending on the mood, but no matter what, the SPQs and Paula D have it - add buttah!
OMG...that literally made me choke ovah heyah! Hilarious! That is so funny....like reading an episode of the Lucy Show..was Lorenzo slipping around on the floor? OMG that was so good I'm still smiling and giggling.
Hey I got a kitchen torch for Christmas...was gonna make creme brulee for NY Eve but maybe I should try something like this...avoiding "the dishwasher region" of course.
Dang you guys are so damn funny, they should just give you a reality TV show and get it over with.
PS. "half assed meringue"
OMG..that phrase ALONE.
Still giggling....
Wait, you need a tee shirt that says:
The gayest phrase ever:
"You can't leave a meringue once you start it."
Dear Jackofalltrades,
People watch Martha or read her books in the same way they watch a particularly scary horror movie. Sometimes you just can't look away.
Fortunately, just as we don't need to put on our white nightgowns and run barefoot into the woods where the axe murderer lurks, we can put down the saute pan and back away from the stove where Martha's good things are concerned!
that's why she's Martha! she's evil, but I love her.
Oooh that Martha, she's such a bitch!!! You should have asked me and I would have said "Ooh, honey no!! Stay away from the Martha". I made her black and white cookies and the neighbor kids wouldn't even touch them. What bad little 8 year old turns down sugar? All of them when it's a Martha recipe.
How anyone could not realize how mentally damaged Martha is after seeing her create her Halloween Pumpkin Snake (using 666 various sized pumpkins with holes of various sizes drilled in each one)?
Coocoobootiessyphilis guaranteed.
oh boys. I feel your pain! Never never try to make the meringue snowmen ala Martha. They looked more like snowman poop than actual snowmen.
And I totes understand the issue with an exploding kitchen! My husband made two champagne bottles explode in the kitchen, plus a very beautiful ice cream pie! How does one make an ice cream pie explode in the kitchen you ask... oh, it can happen!
LOL.
OMG, this is TOO hysterical. You guys, you're so precious!! This makes me want to give you each a hug and a meringue kiss:
Lorenzo (on his hands and knees dirtying every clean towel in the house): Tom, I need some help here!
Tom: You can't just leave a meringue once you start it!
If we had recited the entire exchange in SugarPlum Fairy costumes it couldn't have been any gayer.
Oh sweeties, you're not alone. Martha ruined my Thanksgiving dinner once with a flourless chocolate cake, the bitch. Why do we keep inviting that sow into our homes? Even when the recipes work to perfection, I've noticed that my clan prefers Fannie Farmer's offerings.
So did y'all sit down and eat the baked Alaska entrails after everyone left?
But one good thing to come of Martha's magazines, and it wasn't her recipe, it was someone who worked for her. These are obscenely delicious and more addictive than crack:
Swedish Ginger Cookies
Makes 3 Dozen
3/4 cup strained bacon fat
1 cup sugar, plus more for rolling
4 tablespoons dark molasses
1 large egg
2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Preheat the oven to 350F. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream bacon fat and sugar. Beat in molasses and egg. Add the remaining ingredients; combine thoroughly.
Shape dough into walnut-sized balls, roll balls in sugar, and flatten with fingers on ungreased baking sheets. Bake until cookies are golden brown and cracked on top, 10 to 12 minutes. Transfer to wire racks to cool. Store in an airtight containter, up to 1 week.
Now you, too, can have an excuse to cook up unholy amounts of pork products!
these are the cookies God makes to welcome folks to heaven . . . . seriously. there's nothing like them. nice to be reminded of baked alaska, ginger cookies when i've hauled my ass into boot camp and have sworn off sugar. thanks a lot boys.
I made martha's brined turkey for thanksgiving AND christmas...
I've never even cooked a microwave turkey before.
i feel your pain.
I swear I read this in one of Martha's mags while getting my hair done, or it could have been the dentist's office, anyway, she suggested that a month or so prior to Easter you plant a little patch of Bermuda grass, I think it was, and harvest it with nail scissors so that you could cook your ham with fresh grass and use some as a garnish.
So what I want to know is -- what was said after the "you can't leave a meringue.." comment?Cursing or hysterical laughter?
I am also an experienced cook and I've never been able to make any Martha's recipes but I like to watch anyway.
Also -
jacoffoalltrades said...
"if martha is so wrong, off base, bitchy, difficult and tiresome....why do people still watch her show, read her magazines, use her recipes?
...she managed to bring countless of eager watchers out of the ordinary to a new level of frustration. one where perfection is key."
*************
True, Martha does things no normal human being would think of; we watch because we wonder what it would be like to be that "perfect." Fortunately, you can get good meds for most obsessive compulsive disorders. Martha never went that route, and because of her choice to go all the way, she made gazillions.
Funny Martha insight I read in one of her pre-divorce books that when she was building a coop to start raising chickens so she could have fresh eggs and was planning to next build a nuttery for fresh peanut butters -- her ex-Mother-in-law asked her, "When will it end, Martha?"
So, that's why I think we watch and read -- we all want to know when it will end?
I forgot to add that one of my all time favorite holiday dinners is when I only used recipes from "The White Trash Cookbook." I seem to recall beer turkey, 7 can vegetables, and 7Up cake were big hits with the family. Totally fun...and easy.
that crazy bitch tried to fuck me up too this year! she tried to get me with her way-too-over-complicated royal icing. meringue powder my ass!
confectioner's sugar & water, baby...
I want to be Paula Deen when I grow up!
(((MUAH)))
Penny
"You can't just leave a meringue once you start it!" I am going to remember to use that line anytime for good reason I don't want to come to the immediate assistance of husband or children. They won't even know whether if fact I am trying to make meringue , so all the better.
The best "Crazy Martha" episode was when she was whipping hot spun sugar onto clothes drying racks in her perfect historical CT house. Spun sugar...$10.00....Historical mansion and acerage in upscale community....$1.5 mill... results....priceless
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