My question: is it better to buy a bare minimum of good pieces and risk having my place look like the repo men have been in residence, or, to sacrifice dignity and go back to cheap and cheerful? I'd really appreciate your opinions.
Thanks,
Too Tired From Teaching Freshmen To Come Up With A Clever Name
Dear Tired,
A GayBoy Credo: It is always better to go without than to go with crap.
Having said that, we think you should take a page from the world of fashion, darling. Most editors and stylists and fashionistas will tell you that true style comes from mixing the high end designer pieces with the low end retail pieces. A 40-dollar pair of jeans will look smashing with a 300-dollar pair of shoes. Alternately, a 200-dollar pair of jeans looks great with a 15-dollar t-shirt from The Gap. Mix and match, darling. Start off slow and buy good pieces that will last you and won't go out of style. Invest the money in the show pieces - the dining room table, the sofa, the bed. Pair them with lower-end stuff like an Ikea coffee table or Target side tables. There are plenty of decent mid-range furniture stores like West Elm where you can buy solid, stylish furniture and it won't break your bank.
Also, don't forget the thrift stores. A good 1/3 of our furnishings were bought at places that still sold 8-track players. Before 1980, most basic department store furniture was made of solid wood and still holds up well. Go mid-century and get some kicky kidney-shaped end tables in formica or go classic and find a solid oak dresser from the 1940s. You really can't go wrong with vintage.
One other bit of advice: as you take your time to build a decor that makes you happy, invest in some original artwork. It doesn't have to be high-end gallery canvases. You can find nice, small canvases or original photographs or even sketches at coffeehouses, student art shows and yes, even thrift stores. Keep an eye out for them. Nothing bumps up a room like original artwork.
Also, don't rule Ikea completely out. You'd be surprised what you can do with that crap.
*************
Dear Gayboys,
Is there a way I can wear red fishnets without looking (or feeling) like a hooker?
Thanks,
Little Red Stocking Legs
Dear Little Red,
No.
**********
My Dear Gayboys, Hi, I am a straight, married girl and my best friend in the world is a gay guy. We have known each other for awhile and have helped each other through some very serious times. A little over a year ago, my friend moved about 2 hours away, met a guy, and entered into his first ever gay relationship. I was really excited for him and hoped that we could all be friends. It is definitely not turning out that way, though. It seems the boyfriend doesn’t really like me too much. I have been to visit and he either ignores me or argues with me anytime I say anything.
Recently, my friend and his boyfriend decided to visit me. I made a conscious effort to include the boyfriend because he always complains that my friend and I “ignore everyone when we are together.” We went out one night and I made a conscious effort to talk about the boyfriend’s life, things he was interested in, etc…I thought we had a good time. The next day, my friend tells me that his boyfriend doesn’t like the way that my friend and I act towards one another. He also said that I “hang on him” and that I would never act that way if my husband were around. I was so angry; I almost pulled his hair! My best friend and I are affectionate to one another in a “girlfriend-to-girlfriend” way, but he’s my BFF! My husband loves that I have such a good friend and completely supports our friendship.
I know that there is obvious jealousy going on, but what can I do? My friend wants me to visit soon, but he lives with his boyfriend. I’m worried that it will be awkward. Any advice? Thanks in advance for your help, kittens!
~Sharpening my claws
Dear Sharpening,
Oh, honey. We can't even begin to tell you how distressingly common this sort of thing is. Gay men tend to develop some rather sharp claws themselves as they navigate through a sometimes-hostile world and they tend to not know when to sheath them.
First, ask yourself this: Is your friend being a friend to you? Of course we don't mean that he has to choose one of you over the other one, but did he defend you at all to his BF or did he just let him say those things about you? If it's the latter, does he deserve your friendship?
If you think he still does, then - excuse us, we need to put on our Abby and Ann wigs - you need to talk to him about it. Tell him that you're thrilled that he's found someone and that you want very much to get to know his paramour better, but also tell him that you're not going to sit there and be treated like shit. Reiterate that you're not asking him to choose one of you; you're just asking him to remember why you're friends in the first place.
Then, if you decide to go ahead and visit them and the BF still treats you like shit? Oh, honey. Claws out. Don't leave one inch of that bitch unshredded and go find yourself another gay boyfriend.
_________________________________
Keep those cards and letters coming, boys and girls! Email us!
60 comments:
Oooooh, now I want to know which pseudo-celeb you were talking about.
I have developed the very unfortunate habit of crushing hard on gay guys. my new rule: if i find him attractive, he's almost certainly NOT straight. this sucks for me, since i am a straight girl.
i also don't like the super-ripped muscley look. i like slender vaguely effeminate guys. often, vaguely effeminate guys turn out to be gay.
is: "all the good ones are taken or gay" any better?
"all the good ones are taken or gay" any better?
Ahh, CB, I completely understand. How often have we straight gals found the perfect man, only to find that he is taken or gay?
I understand Tom & Lorenzo's point when they say that it irritates the hell out of them when girls utter that phrase. But please understand, it really is frustrating for us to find that so many smart attractive men are gay and attracted to eachother, leaving us out in the cold. Yes that makes me a selfish bitch and yes I want every smart, hot man to be straight. It's the law of attraction, you want the Alpha-man to be your mate.
But as always T&L, your posts are witty and thought provoking. I like how you use the current trend of ridiculous musculer bodies in Hollywood to prove your point. Ah, Hollywood, reality will never trouble you, will it?
Thanks for a good afternoon read.
How's the move going?
Well said, boys!
Another phrase that gets me is when when people say "He's all man" to denote straightness. I'm like, honey, if he ain't man enough to be with another man, then he ain't all that! But maybe that's me generalizing wildly.
Soooo...who is this gay pseudo-celeb????
I think that when a woman says "Too bad he's gay" it's only the first part of the sentence. The unspoken part more likely involves him as a breeding partner.
Besides, haven't you guys ever said "too bad he's straight" about anyone? I know many of my gay/lesbian friends say it all the time.
We always want what we can't have.
I agree that men in general becoming more vain is a current trend. (One that, since it satisfies my shallow need to gaze at pretty people, I champion.)
But there's another dimension here. Many women fall for gays because they share their interests. As a tomboy who loves sports, scifi and other stuff mostly considered the province of males, I never had trouble getting laid, regardless of my physical attractiveness. I know it drove those prissy girls nuts!
My husband has a similar problem--most of his exes have become lesbians. He loves dykey girls. Yay for me! The moral: stay true to yourself and keep looking, there's someone out there that's looking for YOU.
Thanks for the insight, guys. I never really thought about why a lot of gay men do such a good job grooming themselves: I assume it was due to a grooming gene, but now I realize it's to attract other men. And you're right: Men (both straight and gay) tend to base intial attraction on looks. Which is why I'm still confused on why Perez Hilton isn't more attractive.
I think in the old days just the idea of seeing body parts bared was enough. I was a faithful reader of the teen fan magazines which often featured the hunk of the day shirtless. I don't recall many muscular types -- that would've elicited an "Ewww" from me and my tween pals - but we still drooled.
I don't think it's just the guys either. Most of the women in the beach party movies would be considered a bit out of shape for a bikini. Not that any of those girls were overweight, but today we expect six pack abs from women as well as men.
Hmm .. I can see your point in being irritated by the phrase "Too bad he's gay," although I can admit to having said it on occasion (hell, I said it all day yesterday when I found out my brilliant young Italian prof was gay). I think Anon 2:22 and 2:38 put it well, the first about everyone wanting the Alpha Male and the second about always wanting what you can't have.
Also, on a totally shallow note, I had NO idea that's what Ryan Reynolds looked like shirtless.
Wow. And I don't usually go for the super-jacked type. Still .. wow.
You know, I NEVER bought into "too bad he's gay" bullshit. I always found it totally offensive. I mean, to be honest, REALLY good looking straight men wanted nothing to do with me anyway. I'm fat, and funny, loud, liberal and totally independent. It was more important for me to find a partner that respected that. And I was lucky enough to do so and have been happily married for 3 years.
The good looking gay men however? They never had a problem hanging out with me. Ironically enough, for all those same reasons. And also, I think, because I never fell into the "fag hag" cliche of falling in love with a gay friend and "just hoping someday they will change and love me!" I've seen FAR too much of that in my time.
elcynic, I find your story inspiring and love you even more now!
I couldn't agree with you more.
There's black and there's white, but there are billions of shades of grey. Finding which grey suits you and you suit, that's where the fun is.
thombeau said...
Another phrase that gets me is when when people say "He's all man" to denote straightness.
That and when they tell a little boy "You throw (or what ever) like a girl." And they say girl with such disgust like they have vomit in their mouth or something. Very damaging to boys AND girls.
I would think that gay men being very hooked on appearances also include a small bit of narcissism. If you're sexually attracted to guys, having a hot guy bod yourself can be alluring. Being guys, we can objectify our own body parts as well as we can those of other people.
Also, curious as to other's take on the different types of guys that women seem to find generally attractive and those that gay men find generally attractive. Take a look at a random gay porn actor and compare him to the male actors in a soft-core movie (or as they said in Will & Grace: "Porn for Women"). The concept of Fabio also comes to mind, where he's made his career out of being romantic to women, but I know of none of my male friends (including myself) who would touch him if they were suffocating and he had oxygen in his balls. Discuss...
Odd thought-do priests get offended when women say "Damn shame" when they see an attractive priest?
I guess it is annoying, but try to take it as what it is: a compliment. It's generally not meant in the holy-roller "he's GAY, ohmygoshgetoutyourrosaryandprayforhim" way. It's meant in the "He's hot and I would totally do him if he was interested in girls" way.
You'll also hear a woman say that they think another woman is hot. Is that being a hypocrit if the woman is straight? No, it's just another way to state that you admire how someone looks.
Stepping off the soap box, I too am one of the women who do not appreciate excessive vanity in a guy. Probably because I have worked very hard all my life (in a family with many women with eating and/or body image disorders) not to be vain about my looks but rather happy with the body I got.
Gay - Straight - Who cares! Thanks for the pictures of pretty men.
Macasism said: "But there's another dimension here. Many women fall for gays because they share their interests. As a tomboy who loves sports, scifi and other stuff mostly considered the province of males, I never had trouble getting laid, regardless of my physical attractiveness. I know it drove those prissy girls nuts!
My husband has a similar problem--most of his exes have become lesbians. He loves dykey girls. Yay for me! The moral: stay true to yourself and keep looking, there's someone out there that's looking for YOU."
Well said and if your hubby has a brother with similar interests please send him my way!
Daxx,
I am a straight woman, and Fabio never did a thing for me. I prefer Jean-Luc Picard. Oh man, he turns me into a dreamy-eyed, quivering puddle of goo. In the words of Mia Farrow in "The Purple Rose of Cairo", "sure he's fictional, but you can't have everything".
Daxx: I'm a straight woman and I think that Fabio is disgusting, disturbing, I don't know the right word for it but I'm definitely not attracted to him.
Just wanted to put that out there...
Oh, and I think I might prefer George Clooney to Brad Pitt though Brad's not so bad himself ;)
I feel I have more in common with gay men even though I'm a straight woman. When it comes to romance, however, I'd be way more interested in George Clooney than any of the other stars mentioned. But maybe that's just another version of wanting something you can't have. Damn.
And Fabio is not sexy in any kind of way. At least not to me.
Okay, because I'm not sure it's clear -- does it annoy you when a woman says "too bad he's gay" when she is talking about someone she actually knows and whom, were he straight, she'd be interested in dating, or is it only offensive if she's saying it about a guy she wouldn't have a shot in hell of dating even if he were straight? (e.g., celebrities).
Because the first is simply a "too bad I can't have him," which, which is simply an expression of personal disappointment: "I'd go after that guy if he were straight/single/whatever."
Saying it about someone utterly unattainable, however, is irritating, and I have never understood it. Is it just flat-out delusion? Do people who say that think that they'd have a chance with the hot gay celeb in question were he straight? No clue.
I'm sorry, why does any of this matter?
I actually saved that copy of Vanity Fair because I loved the picture of Brad Pitt so much - and I'm so not that kind of fan, usually. Is that a wonderful picture?
P.S. Alli, please leave the area.
I mean ISN'T that a wonderful picture - as in, don't you agree?
"I'm sorry, why does any of this matter?"
Oh, don't be silly. Of course you're not sorry!
anonymous said: Daxx,
I am a straight woman, and Fabio never did a thing for me. I prefer Jean-Luc Picard. Oh man, he turns me into a dreamy-eyed, quivering puddle of goo. In the words of Mia Farrow in "The Purple Rose of Cairo", "sure he's fictional, but you can't have everything"......
I have to ditto here. Ripped bodies have never interested me in general. There are exceptions to every rule. Richard Burgi can get my pulse racing like no tomorrow.
The attractiveness to me has to do with the whole package. Eyes, smile, the way he (or she as the case may be) looks at you, even on screen. The way they carry themselves can be sexy in and of itself. You like what you like.
BTW, cliches will always be around. Deal with it. Some may find them offensive, but each "genre" has them. Like: "She's so pretty, too bad she fat." (When she isn't)
Oh, dahlings, thank you for my morning sweets. Oh delicious.
Fabio, ick.
Johnny Depp, yum. But not so much for the gay guys, right?
Discuss.
Hmm--this went in a different direction than I thought. While straight men in the dating pool may be more focused on their looks, are gay men in the married pool "letting themselves go"? (horrible expression that actually means we're a little more focused right now on building financial security, raising kids, creating a comfortable home, etc, than on doing crunches).
While gay people have had life long attachments since the beginning of the race, do vows and the possibility of children create a different mindset? (Should the vow be "in thickness and in health?")
Anyway, I can see why the phrase could be annoying, but I have always thought it meant, "Too bad for me he's gay," NOT "Too bad for him he's gay."
I admit to a few crushes that have turned out to be gay. They generally weren't the ripped boys you showed up top. I mean, I can appreciate the pretty boys and girls, but it's not what attracts me to someone. I prefer an intelligent sarcasm to a six-pack, gay or straight, friend or lover, man or woman. But that's just me.
I have read, in sources that I cannot identify (read: remember) that men are more visually stimulated than women are. At least personally, I've always found this to be true, which is good for me being nearly blind without glasses (which get in the way in the bedroom). So this could explain the meticulous grooming so prevalent in the gay male community. But that's just my pseudo-scientific theory for the morning.
Thanks for the food for thought, boys.
Another phrase that gets me is when when people say "He's all man" to denote straightness. I'm like, honey, if he ain't man enough to be with another man, then he ain't all that!
LOL, thombeau you are a doll!
"She looks good for her age"
"She's pretty good at _______, for a girl"
Irritating phrases are alive and well.
Alright I understand all this but could you explain why gay men love fashion so much, especially women's fashion that they can't actually wear.
Sorry, boys but basically the gays and the women are fishing in the same pond. And lets face it, your fish tend to take better care of themselves than our fish.
I always figured the main reason the gays and women get along so well is that we are both looking for the same thing - a man that really listens to us when we talk.
Badger sez: I don't think it's just the guys either. Most of the women in the beach party movies would be considered a bit out of shape for a bikini.
I totally agree. I know there's an oft-thrown-away cliche about how if Marilyn were around today, she's be considered "too fat," but the reverse is true. If she were around today trying to work as an actress, she wouldn't be "sexy" enough either. Even random chippies on reality tv show have big breasts and more bombshell-ish bodies than she did. Heck, even seeing a picture of Sophia Loren is startling to modern eyes; I mean, yeah, she's totally hot, but if she wanted to work as a sex symbol in today's climate, she'd have to get some plastic surgery to compete.
if we're talking about irritating phrases that need to go away immediately:
"it's a shame he's gay"
"She looks good for her age"
"She's pretty good at _______, for a girl"
may i suggest:
"you have such a pretty face"- said to any pleasantly plump gal- as off limits as well?
marisha
snaillady2 said...
Odd thought-do priests get offended when women say "Damn shame" when they see an attractive priest?
As a Catholic, we usually say "God gets the best, we get the rest." same concept I suppose.
My mom's favourite:
"She doesn't sweat much for a fat chick."
Hmmm...I wouldn't say that 'it's a shame' if a guy I'm interested in is gay, or that all the good looking guys are gay (I don't care about looks so much in a partner anyway). I'm more interested in finding a NICE guy (yes, I'm the one female who wants that nice guy - a mench, not a shmuck). And from my experience, most of the menches I meet are gay & most of the shmucks I meet are straight.
It does make me sad when I meet yet another great guy, and he's not straight either. Sigh. It's not meant to be insulting to the gay community. It's not that there is the feeling that there's something wrong with it. Just that it's FRUSTRATING!!!! That's all.
But then, I live in Chelsea. And I know, I know; living in Chelsea and complaining about not being able to meet eligible straight men is like buying a house near the airport and then complaining about the air traffic noise. But when I moved in it was just the photo ghetto (and the only businesses on 6th Ave were a couple of bodegas and a methadone clinic).
Besides, I hear my friends who are gay say the same things, when THEY meet someone they are attracted to, who turns out to be straight. So it goes both ways (no pun).
With most straight guys in a competitive environment like NY, if they don't view a woman as a fuckable object, they are as rude as can be. Maybe gay guys treat other guys that way, but they don't tend to treat women that way. And I don't know any woman whose been single in the city, who hasn't at some point fallen hard for a guy, who turns out to be gay. (It takes some longer than others to develop their gaydar).
So, how about we give you feeling insulted about the single woman's lament -- if you give us feeling used when the guy we've fallen for turns out to be a closet-case who just needed a beard for his company functions?
And hey, who's selfish now bitches?? You two already have your life partners! Some of us are still looking!
--Gotham Tomato
(who's just looking to make an omlette before she runs out of eggs!)
P.S.-- I don't think those muscley guys, like in the pictures, are the best picks either. Have you ever been in an embrace with one of those hard-body types? It's like being caught in a vise.
They're pretty to look at, but that's it (plus, all the steroids make their nuts shrivel up).
"yawningdog said...
I always figured the main reason the gays and women get along so well is that we are both looking for the same thing - a man that really listens to us when we talk."
LOL. True.
--Gotham Tomato
Gotham Tomato:
I hear you. I live in Chelsea too.
Um, I'm sure there was a point, and I'm sure it was brilliant, men - vanity - yeah, um, something like that... But I could really care less - gay, straight, whatever. I just really appreciated the pictures :-)
Shameless, straight and happily married to a non ripped scientist, but appreciative, nonetheless.
AES
snaillady2 said...
Odd thought-do priests get offended when women say "Damn shame" when they see an attractive priest?
Actually, guilty as charged, I'm afraid.
Only used the "too bad he's gay" line once, but I always just figured it meant "too bad for ME he's gay." God, he was gorgeous. And a theater major. And I was young and slow to pick up on the obvious.
Photography and film have become much less forgiving than they were in the past that some of the need to primp and starve for the camera is critical to those who depend on it for their livelihoods.
Another element: baby boomers don't want to grow up. So,lots of attention being paid to looking younger. What're the younger folks to do??
Finally, a question: back when I was a gym rat, I remember that part of the work out was checking out everyone else. It was partly competitive and partly for inspiration. I'm wondering (to use Terry Gross' trademarked query) if -- now that more guys are working out and focusing on their bods -- it will relax some of the inhibitions of the potentially bi-curious straight guys?
Anonymous @ 11:18, I'm with you there... I will admit to using the "too bad he's gay" line a few times, but definitely in similar circumstances. I had the unfortunate habit in college of developing huge crushes on unattainable men (that I of course had no idea were unattainable). Sigh.
Ah, Fabio...A few years back I read a interview where he spoke at length and in great detail about his love of stereo equipment. That would be enough to cure any woman's crush, no?
Great post, boys.
I freely admit to having uttered the words "Too bad he's gay" on one or two (or more) occasions. But then again, I've also been known to mutter "Too bad he's dumber than a box of rocks", or, "Too, bad he's a drinker", or "Too bad he's a total prick", "Too bad he's a blond", and of course, "Too bad he's married".
So, in my little world, the comments about someone being gay (or married) is more of a compliment than anything else.
As far as attention to personal appearance goes, it's a good indicator of level of self absorption: too little = not good, too much = not good either. That applies to men and women, hetero or not.
Oh, and Daxx, I too think that Fabio is revolting. I lived in Italy long enough to know that he most assuredly does not represent the best that country has to offer.
I find that the intelligent, well-read, witty men with good taste and manners are, 90% of the time, gay--whether they're good looking or not.
My bad luck. Some guy's good luck. Maybe next incarnation!
Interesting thoughts.
Here's the thing. I've seen it discussed. I've heard it said on TV and in Films many times.
I've never actually HEARD a straight Women say " Too bad he's gay." Or "All the good ones are gay". Or anything similar.
I just find it sort of funny to use that phrase in the context of celebrities. Even if he weren't gay (what a shame?) would it really come to pass that it would make an earth shattering difference in ones life? Straight, gay or purple, it's unlikely that you would ever meet said celebrity and get to know them well enough to have them fall for you.
Naturally it ruins the fantasy a little bit, when you find out an attractive guy will never return the feeling, but if they are so unreachable in the first place, what does it matter?
I can't even lie, I've used the term "Wasted goods" in the past, but I never, truly meant it. I'm a firm believer that there is a reason behind everything, including the people you meet and how they affect you.
Now, developing feeling for someone in a sexual way before finding out that they are gay and having to deal with disappointment and possible heartbreak, that's a shame.
I think I'm getting a wee bit serious about this though...LOL
Ladies, the good ones aren't all gay, or taken (or priests). You've just yet to find your "good" one.
I say that, but do I believe it? I'll let you know when I find mine!! LOL
Thanks for the babe pics!
Love the pictures, never knew Ryan Reynolds had all that going on--lovely! I actually like the "ripped" look. Currently seeing a guy like that (plays football) and his upper arms are like granite. Love it!
God I love firemen!
That cross-sampling of "attractive men" seems pretty narrow to me. Not all of us like our men to look like sides of beef.
"That cross-sampling of "attractive men" seems pretty narrow to me. Not all of us like our men to look like sides of beef."
Did you read the post or just look at the pictures?
I've said: All the good ones are taken or gay. out loud. repeatedly.
Fabio is horrifying. The men in straight porn videos look sleazy and ugly.
My ideal men (physical beauty only)?
Rufus Wainwright, always the best.
Peter Paige (especially as queer as folk's emmett) has recently moved to the top of my "so beautiful it hurts and why can't *I* have sex with you" list.
cb said: Peter Paige (especially as queer as folk's emmett) has recently moved to the top of my "so beautiful it hurts and why can't *I* have sex with you" list.>>>
Ah, yes.... So pretty, so sweet, and his character cooks like no tomorrow.
"Too bad he's gay." Oops, did I say that? (beg)
so, has anyone else noticed how close together brad pitt's nipples are? what's up with that? pec implants?
"I've never actually HEARD a straight Women say " Too bad he's gay." Or "All the good ones are gay". Or anything similar."
Do you even know any straight women? I've heard it plenty of times. Then again, I'm a gay male, so I guess I would notice these things.
And I'm sorry, but yes, it's insulting. The worst is when they say "what a waste"...hey, F.U! It's not going to waste, trust me.
I am straight but I have three close gay friends. Maybe it's that I wasn't looking for GAY friends, and we became friends because our personalities are well matched, maybe it's just coincidence, but not one of them is stereotypical attractive. One, as a matter of fact, is clinically morbidly obese. The only thing stereotypical about them is that they do wear more jewelry than I do.
If you look at a gay crowd, the gorgeous guys will stand out, but the guys who do not way outnumber them. Most gay men are average looking men especially if you look beyond the major cities where the bars and clubs are the main socializing venues.
If you want to know what many gay men look like, don't turn to the porn pages, that's like looking at Victoria secret catalog and assuming that most straight women look like their models. Look at places like Craiglist where real people try to meet other real people -- it's an hmm eye opening experience.
I'm sorry...did you say something? I was staring at the barechested firefighters!!
Rowrrr!!
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