Musical "Monday": The Harvey Girls

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 by

We're BACK, bitches! You didn't think we could do it, did you? Well, we can't find anything and the phone isn't hooked up yet, but goddammit, we found a wireless connection and we're bringin' it!

So! The Harvey Girls! Let's go!


Our film opens as all Judy Garland pictures must: Judy in a shit-ugly dress, singing. She's -- oh god, what difference does it make what her character's name is? She's alway's Judy. Anyway, Judy's heading west to marry a man she never met. So far, she's not impressing us with her common sense.



On the train, she befriends a bunch of girls with sleeves even puffier than her own. The other girls try not to laugh at Judy's ugly dress, but you can tell it's hard for them.

Exposition summary:
Harvey Girls: We're Harvey Girls, waitresses who act and dress like nuns! We're going to Sandrock to open a Harvey House!
Judy: Why, I'm going there too! I'm going to marry a man I never met, but he wrote me such wonderful letters!
Harvey Girls: ...
You're fucking kidding us, right?

Meanwhile, in Sandrock, Angela Lansbury is a slutty local girl. We know she's a slut because her clothes have sequins and her dress has more than two colors in it.

She and the two owners of the local "entertainment parlour," Ned and Judd, are a mite worried about this here Harvey House opening up across the street from them. Apparently, the men in Sandrock find sickly pure virgins to be more fun than slutty dance hall girls. Go figure.



But no time for that! The train's coming in and that means the town negro better start singing!

And kids, that's just the START of the offensive racial stereotypes! The Land O Lakes butter girl is a more believable Native American than the bitch on the left. What's sad is, she probably had to blow a lot of guys just to get that role.

Oh she can act like she's appalled that the red man is staring at her, but that vagina hat was QUIVERING.

Not many cute cowboys in this one. The director must've been straight.

Anyway, "The Atcheson, Topeka, and the Santa Fe," is quite the little number. There's an extended sequence where seemingly every character and extra in the movie sings at least one line and it all builds up to a major star turn as practically everyone bows down to Judy while she takes the song home.


First, Judy steps off the train and announces to everyone that she's "feeling fresh and alive." The Acheson, Topeka and the Santa Fe was known for its state-of-the-art douching cars.

Everyone is fascinated by her and hangs on to her every word.

Then, she relates some of her life history, including some fairly private details. Everyone is rapt with attention. Clearly, she is the most interesting person to ever come to Sandrock. All the cowboys want to have sex with her.


Finally, after whipping the crowd into a near-frenzy, she convinces them all to do her bidding while she brings that fucker HOME.

But after the music ends, she comes back to cold reality, where no one pays attention to her, not even the pretend Indians. She's shocked and repulsed, to discover...

That her intended doesn't live up to her high standards.

Pfft. Smell her.

She thinks she's letting him down easy, when in fact, he can't wait to get the hell away from her. He was an old-fashioned man and he couldn't be seen with the kind of woman that discusses her douching habits in public.


Meanwhile, the Harvey Girls, in their puffy-sleeved burkas and vagina hats, have a shock of their own.

The women in this godforsaken town don't wear outer clothes.

Judy goes to see Ned because he was the one who wrote those letters that lured her out there and blahblahblah. They hate each other but they'll be kissing and soft-focus within the next 20 minutes.

But first, Judy has to go through Harvey Girl training! Everything from dressing like a nun on crack...

...to posing for outrageously unflattering closeups.

Jessica Fletcher, on the other hand, knows how to have a good time.

When the Harvey House opens, Ned is there to pretend that he doesn't want to get under her voluminous skirt. She pretends that she doesn't want that too.

Her sexual repression eventually drives her insane and she goes on a rampage, killing dozens of townspeople.

She is eventually discovered with their butchered remains, the Harvey House manager her hostage and sex slave.

The end.

Haha! No, there's more. First, the modeling of night-burkas as they sing about how horny they are.

Then, a shot is fired! The girls with the ugliest hair decide to leave.

Later, Judy taunts Angela because her singing voice is clearly dubbed.

Then, she makes a play for her man.

Angela has had enough and brings in the girls with the Adam's apples to take care of things. You know what that means, don't you, kittens?

BAR FIGHT.

It's the Sluts vs. the Virgins and the Virgins win!

That night, at the Virgin Dance, they are smug and precious.

Where the hell are they getting all these clothes?

The Sluts show up and it's ALL BITCHES TO THE DANCEFLOOR, PLEASE! But somehow, the Virgins win that showdown too. The men of this town prefer their women buttoned up and prissy, dammit!

In case anyone may have forgotten that she is a virgin, Judy dons a white lace veil to show that her vagina remains pure and unsullied

And just generally acts like an all-around jackass.

Later: Harvey House burns down! Ned fights saboteurs!

Having stolen their men and now their jobs, the virgins simply kick the sluts out of town and take over their bar.

Ned's all.."Y'know, there's just something about an uptight princess. See ya, babe. I'll miss the blowjobs."

And of course, wedding. What musical would be complete without one? The end.

The bridesmaids all look like toilet paper covers.

52 comments:

thombeau said...

OMG That was too funny and wrong! "...that vagina hat was QUIVERING"! Too much.

Thanks for making my day. And all the best on your lovely new home!!!

Anonymous said...

Glad you finally got around to this, but... why zero mention of Ray Bolger (aka the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz)? He's possibly the best thing in this movie.

mjude said...

WOO HOO you boys are back! now all is right with the world. LOVED the post! LOL!!!

Bill said...

I knew you wouldn't let us down. You guys rule! Hope you are settled in and feeling at home very soon. XO!

The Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe number in the early part of the movie is phenomenal.

Unfortunately, the movie never quite reaches such heights of musical glory again. But I always find this flick very watchable - Marjorie main is always amusing to watch, it’s a hoot seeing the future Jessica Fletcher as a saloon gal and, of course, the big catfight between the Harvey Girls and the Saloon Girls is fabulous.

It’s also fun to watch for the disappearance of Virginia O’Brien halfway through the movie. She was pregnant and couldn’t finish filming.

I get a big kick out of Lansbury as tough gal Em, especially when she sings “Oh, You Kid.” Angie was dubbed by Virginia Rees who had also sung for Lucille Ball, Evelyn (Suellen O’Hara from GWTW) Keyes and Marlene Dietrich. Kind of strange to hear Lansbury dubbed knowing that she would go on to win 4 Tony’s for Best Actress in a Musical over a 13 year span beginning in 1966 (for Mame, Dear World, the 1974 revival of Gypsy, and Sweeney Todd).

The Harvey Girls was originally supposed to be a western comedy with Lana Turner and Clark Gable. The success of Oklahoma (on Broadway) supposedly prompted the transformation to a musical. Why Hodiak was cast is beyond me. He’s cute but lacks a certain charisma (trivia - he was once married to Anne ‘Eve Harrington’ Baxter).

Hodiak’s Ned character is pretty boring, and Garland could have done better for herself. This all would have worked much better if ‘seen-it-all’ Em (Angela Lansbury) and ‘spunky’ Susan (Judy Garland) decided to stake a Sapphic claim together in the Wild West (where they could admire each other’s V-hats…).

Seven years after the “Wizard of Oz”, “The Harvey Girls” reunites two of Oz’s leads, Garland (Dorothy) and Ray Bolger (the Scarecrow). But did anyone notice that Mitchell Lewis is also in both movies? Lewis plays Sandy (her unworthy intended) in “The Harvey Girls” and is Captain of the Winkie Guard in Oz (the Wicked Witch’s guard; he has the "Sh-she's dead. You killed her." line after the witch melts).

As a little gay boy, “The Harvey Girls” really confused me. I could never quite decide which I wanted to be: a clean-scrubbed good girl in a starched apron and uniform serving hearty meals to the hungry men folk; or a brazen saloon girl with painted cheeks, satin skirts and garters giving the men folk what they craved after a good meal. As I grew up, I served plenty of time on both sides of the Madonna/whore complex, and learned that both certainly have their charms…

LittleKarnak said...

"Jessica Fletcher, on the other hand, knows how to have a good time." LMAO!!

"Later, Judy taunts Angela because her singing voice is clearly dubbed." That's amazing considering that AL would end up as Mame, Mrs. Lovett, etc. Correct me if I'm wrong, Bill (I bow to your knowledge of all things musical!), but I think AL said in an interview that her voice was still a soprano at that point and not the mezzo we all know and love.

Anonymous said...

I have a request. I don't suppose you boys might occasionally specify exactly why a given musical is worth watching. I mean, Bob Fosse's choreography or inflatable, late 1960's furniture are obvious reasons, but sometimes the appeal is more subtle, and for those of us who are less sensitive, it might be helpful if you were to elucidate a little more.

Thank you for your consideration.

macasism said...

OMG The Acheson, Topeka and the Santa Fe was known for its state-of-the-art douching cars.

You bitches slay me.

oh, and btw, the colon goes inside the quote. And won't this be a great trivia question some day: which Musical Monday was actually a Musical Tuesday!?!

winged_sheep said...

so, where is Ray Bolger in the movie? Which character did he play?

td said...

I'm going to be laughing about the singing "town negro" and the Land O Lakes butter girl for a really, really long time.

And to end this post with "The bridesmaids all look like toilet paper covers" is priceless -- and I've never even seen this movie. Hilarious.

shiver72876 said...

I've never seen this! Someone please explain what exactly a Harvey Girl/Harvey House is????

Thanks!

Yomanda said...

I never heard of this movie until today. WTF?

That was the weirdest thing I've seen since you did last week's Musical Monday. ha ha ha hahahahahaha

shiver72876 said...

Nevermind I answered my own question.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_House

I guess this is one thing I missed while learning my history of the Old West.

Bill said...

Here you go shiver -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_House

Before the inclusion of dining cars in passenger trains became common practice, a rail passenger's only option for meal service in transit was to patronize one of the roadhouses often located near the railroad's water stops. Fare typically consisted of nothing more than rancid meat, cold beans, and week-old coffee. Such poor conditions understandably discouraged many Americans from making the journey westward.

The subsequent growth and development of the Fred Harvey Company was closely related to that of the Santa Fe Railway. Under the terms of an oral agreement, Harvey opened his first depot restaurant in Topeka, Kansas in January of 1876. Railroad officials and passengers alike were impressed with Fred Harvey's strict standards for high quality food and first class service. As a result, the Santa Fe entered into subsequent contracts with Harvey wherein he was given a "blank check" to set up a series of "eating houses" along almost the entire route. At more prominent locations, these eating houses evolved into hotels, many of which survive today. By the late 1880s, there was a Fred Harvey dining facility located every 100 miles along the Santa Fe line.

When dining cars began to appear on trains, Santa Fe contracted with the Fred Harvey Company to operate the food service on the diners, and all Santa Fe advertising proclaimed "Fred Harvey Meals all the Way."

Harvey's meals were served in sumptuous portions that provided a good value for the traveling public; for instance, pies were cut into fourths, rather than sixths, which was the industry standard at the time. The Harvey Company and the railroad established a series of signals that allowed the dining room staff to make the necessary preparations to feed an entire train in just thirty minutes. Harvey Houses served their meals on fine China and Irish linens. Fred Harvey, a fastidious innkeeper, set high standards for efficiency and cleanliness in his establishments, personally inspecting them as often as possible. It was said that nothing escaped his notice, and he was even known to completely overturn a poorly-set table. Male customers were even required to wear a coat and tie in many of Harvey's dining rooms. Fulfilling their patriotic duty, the Harvey Houses served many a meal to GIs traveling on troop trains during World War II.

This mutually-beneficial relationship, characterized as one of the most successful and influential business partnerships in the early American West, endured until 1968.

Bill said...

lol - You're too quick for me, shiver!

brilliant said...

The Land O Lakes butter girl is a more believable Native American than the bitch on the left.

Oh, come on now. I'm sure her great-grandmother was 1/16 Cherokee. [/sarcasm]

jlp said...

Not many cute cowboys in this one. The director must've been straight.

If marrying three times is any indication, you're right about that!

Sewing Siren said...

Bill said...
As a little gay boy, “The Harvey Girls” really confused me. I could never quite decide which I wanted to be: a clean-scrubbed good girl in a starched apron and uniform serving hearty meals to the hungry men folk; or a brazen saloon girl with painted cheeks, satin skirts and garters giving the men folk what they craved after a good meal. As I grew up, I served plenty of time on both sides of the Madonna/whore complex, and learned that both certainly have their charms…



Ha, Me too.
Sewing/Siren

Gorgeous Things said...

I want Jessica Fletcher's feathered breastplate!

And my god, Judy's bow? That's no vagina hat, that's a pussy bow. And Lucille Ball did it better. Yeesh!
But you must admit that, in all those soft core - er - focus terrible close-ups, Judy could turn the waterworks on like no one else!

Suzanne said...

"Jessica Fletcher, on the other hand, knows how to have a good time."
I know RIGHT?
She will ALWAYS be JF to me.

shiver72876 said...

Thanks Bill! I am quick - but now it's there for all to read!

mrpeenee said...

I notice Angela's vagina hats continue to grow throughout the movie until the last one looks like it might swallow her.

Why *is* John Hodiak in this? Was everybody else busy? Did Angela Lansbury's expanding vagina hat scare them?

Anonymous said...

"Not many cute cowboys in this one. The director must've been straight."


Yes, but the costume designer isn't. No comments on those colorful kerchiefs, boys?

All the best on the new digs. Thanks for finding time for Musical Monday (Tuesday)! Always have enjoyed skewering this movie!

profp

kath said...

Loved it, as usual. I also loved having Bill's encyclopedic knowledge to accompany the review today.
Hope you are settling into your new place and feeling at home soon!

Sewhat? said...

You guys are real troopers for climbing over the cardboard mountain to give us a musical-anyday. Many thanks.

I'm glad someone commented on the "colorful cowboy scarves"...that kind of hamfisted costuming always has distracted my attention. I know it was a small town with limited shopping options but I somehow doubt that everyone had the same bandana or indian headband.(snif,snif)

I also doubt that any woman exiling herself to the far west had such beautifully 'soutached' clothes as the new Harvey girls.

BrianB said...

I looooooove this movie and I looooooove your review! The funniest ever!!

Ok, so everytime I watch this, I focus dead on to a Harvey Girl who is the spitting image of a young Julie Andrews. She's in the train, the 'Atchison' number, and "The Harvey Girls" number, but she disappears after that. Bill, do you know who I mean? Hair piled on her head with a great, angular, toothy smile. I love her!

I'm as gay as it gets, but Angela Lansbury poured into those costumes, Grrrrrr! I LOOOOOOVE the "Oh You Kid" number, especially when she decends the stage into the crowd of men and looks to her left and gives a nose crinkling smile to a cowboy. For just an instant, it's like she's not acting at all, that's the real Angela.

Speaking of gay, get into the gay subtext of the movie, "Desert Fury" with "Harvey Girls" male lead, John Hodiak! As a gambler trying to go straight, Hodiak goes for FABULOUS Lisbeth Scott, while Lisbeth's mother, FABULOUS Mary Astor tries to steer her away from Hodiak. Meanwhile, Hodiak's "companion", Wendell Corey, goes all ballistic knowing Hodiak has the jones for Lisbeth! I mean, seriously Wendell, get a for-real boyfriend! Bonus, young and luscious Burt Lancaster as the local cop! By the time this movie ended, I had the hots for all 3 male leads for 3 different reasons! And then there's Lisbeth and Mary Astor!! I loved them for the clothes!

Back to the Harvey Girl's, I always tear up at the end, so I guess toilet paper covered bridesmaids seem perfectly normal to me! They went through so much on the prairie! LOL!

Whenever Marjorie Main belts out, "The trains must be fed!" I sing, "The Trannies must be fed!"

After the hellish day I've had, thank you T&Lo, for giving me a reason to laugh out loud! Your generousity will come back to you many times over!

BrianB

Anonymous said...

I apologize in advance but what's a vagina hat??

Kristina said...

is it so wrong that i want the bitchy sluts to win just once? then again, i always wanted to see tom kill that damn jerry.

Kevin said...

Once again, you left me laughing so hard I had to change my depends!!!

Oh how I luv you guys!

Bill said...

Anonymous said...
I apologize in advance but what's a vagina hat??

In their fabulous post on "Easter Parade", Lorenzo & Tom wrote the following, "Someday, we're going to write a treatise on the crazy hats women wear in musicals. We propose that because there was so much sexual repression in these films, the outrageous hats are supposed to represent vaginas on top of their heads. It's why so many of the men had walking sticks too."

Poof! The Vaginal Hat Theory was born, and we've all been obsessing over the hats in the musicals ever since.

theodora said...

i'm always on the side of black and white striped corsets. go whores!

Anonymous said...

But no time for that! The train's coming in and that means the town negro better start singing!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Love you Guys! Of course, you don't see Mrs. Town Negro so guess who's real busy when the singing stops!

Emma P.

PS: Kristina said...

is it so wrong that i want the bitchy sluts to win just once? then again, i always wanted to see tom kill that damn jerry.

Yeah! I always loved that T-Shirt w/ Wile E. Coyote holding the Road Runner by the throat above the quote, "Beep Beep, My Ass!"

bitchybitchybitchy said...

gorgeous things said:

I want Jessica Fletcher's feathered breastplate!

LMAO! I was wondering if anyone else had noticed the plumed boobage!

And my god, Judy's bow? That's no vagina hat, that's a pussy bow.

A vagina hat and a pussy bow? What more could a virgin want?

Somehow I feel an urge to have my own mini film festival of T&L's Movie Mondays picks!

August 28, 2007 5:26 PM

Jennifer said...

I loved this musical soo much as a young girl. I desperately wanted to be a saloon girl (The Unsinkable Molly Brown helped too).

There's a great book called The Harvey Girls: Women who Opened the West by Lesley Poling-Kempes.

I worked for a bookstore that held an author signing for it, and the author brought along a Harvey Girl (who worked at one during the 30's and 40's).

Kevin said...

Aaaah thanks Jennifer!!! T&L pleeeease do "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" next!!! With the vagina hat to end all vagina hats- in the scene where Debbie Reynolds puts a lampshade on her head and bitterly declares herself queen of the world!!!And a big house allllll in red!

megtheexpat said...

I want to take Bill home with me. Interested, Bill? ;-)

GothamTomato said...

Hey, look at the picture from when Judy steps (freshly) off the train:

What's with the cowboy sniffing the back of his hand??

--Gotham Tomato

Brandenburg3rd said...

Not many cute cowboys in this one. The director must've been straight.


With those neck scarves? Are you sure?

Meghan said...

I always forget how pretty Angela Landsbury was back in the day.

BigAssBelle said...

the virgins may have won, but the sluts had more fun. lots more fun.

true story.

Kent said...

"The bridesmaids all look like toilet paper covers."

Please don't squeeze the bridesmaids!


:)

Also: Who the hell is John Hodiak? Not which character is he...but who is that person? Did he do anything else that was noteworthy? Or did MGM pick him out of their "Swarthy" casting file.

You know those files, the ones where they have "architect" and "mad scientist?" ;)

jason said...

Wonderful!

Angela Landsbury was quite the minx there wasn't she?

Bill said...

Kent said...
Who the hell is John Hodiak? Not which character is he...but who is that person? Did he do anything else that was noteworthy? Or did MGM pick him out of their "Swarthy" casting file.

Hodiak's other major credits were "Lifeboat" with semifinal Diva Tallulah Bankhead and "A Bell for Adano" oposite the Deathmatch kill from two weeks ago, Gene Tierney.

KingRoper said...

I've never seen this one, but now I'm going to have to give it a look... it seems the less I know about the movie, the more I enjoy your wrap-ups.

You can tell Judy's a virgin when she gets off the train because her vagina hat is covered in moth balls.

aimee said...

"Not many cute cowboys in this one. The director must've been straight."

Ha! But clearly the wardrobe person was not. Those were lovely (and shiny!) seafoam green, coral, butterscotch and carnation pink scarves the cowboys were wearing.

I love, love, LOVE you boys. I hope you know that. How would I get through my hellish workweeks without gems like "state of the art douching cars" and the like? Never mind, I don't want to know. I'm just glad you're here...

Sean said...

Wow, always a riot...what a good job on this one too. Thanks for making my day as always.

Also, I am secretly waiting for the day that the Music Man loses its innocence to the hands of Tom and Lorenzo...

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

I am a little late but that was a howl. Loved it.

Anonymous said...

just getting around to reading this. actually, macasism, colons and semicolons go outside quotation marks, at least in AP and CM style. It does look funny, because it's used too seldom to get used to it.

Sewhat? said...

Bill,

I really appreciate your seemingly limitless information about the entertainment world. You probably have seen these already, but in case you haven't, you might want to go to Youtube and type in "The Harvey Girls". There are three outtakes from the movie, three musical numbers which were cut from the final film.

In the case of the "Little Doagies" (sic) it was probably a good idea, Ray Bolger is on Judy's right and there is a cast of thousands, skipping through the night holding flaming torches. It looks like "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" combined with "Joan of Arc" rallying the troops to defeat Hitler. Pretty bizzare.

The other number is actually a pretty song with lyrics by Johnny Mercer.

Hope you enjoy it, and thanks for all the great info.

Bill said...

Sewhat?, those were terrific. I had never seen them. I have read of the Doagies number but seeing it put a whole new spin on it. It really didn't work for me so I can see why it was cut. I really couldn't make sense of it. It seemed more like a number from Babes in Arms (which has a very similar marching through the night scene where they sing the title song). Shame that Judy's hair and dress were so nice in a cut number. It was about the best she looked in the movie.

And you're right. My Intuition is a very pretty number.

Thanks for the tip on YouTube!

Anonymous said...

"The bridesmaids all look like toilet paper covers."

HA!!!!! What a great way to end!

Kzspot

Aria said...

I laughed for ten solid minutes.

I love you boys!

I'd love to see you tear down a big musical like Chicago or The Phantom of the Opera. (That would be fabulous! French bitches, kinky secret chambers, a mask, puffy gowns, and pretty-boy heroes? Sounds like my kind of party!)

Anonymous said...

What is wrong with you guys? Do you realize how many closet gays were involved in the making of this movie, and you are dogging it this bad? Disgraceful...