Girl.
Honey, we can't really count ourselves among your biggest fans, but you've always provided us with the pleasure of making fun of your clothes or bitching at you for charging people to listen to your vocal exercises, so on some level you HAVE provided us with some entertainment. For that, we are grateful. But darling, we simply MUST register our disapproval of your latest cover for Interview.
Look, it's not that we think you're past your prime at 37, nor are we the types of body nazis that insist that one must only pose semi-naked if all of one's ribs are visible. If we actually HAD taste in women, you wouldn't be ours, but we can admit that you are attractive and certainly there are plenty of straight men who wouldn't throw you out of bed for eating
It's just that - isn't this getting a little...tired by now? You've spent most of the last 15 years with skirts slit up to your vulva and tops plunging down to, well...your vulva. Barring a Penthouse spread, there's nothing left on your body to show. We've seen it. A lot. And despite your best efforts, Daisy Dukes never came back in style.
Our unasked-for advice? Take a page from Madonna. No, not the African baby page, the moving-on-from-sluttery page. You see, in spite of your (even we can admit) ENORMOUS talent and self-proclaimed Diva-hood, you come across more like a desperate, aging cabaret singing in a lounge near the airport. We get it. You have breasts. Fantastic. Now show us you're fabulous. Or at least show us you hired people to make you LOOK fabulous. Are there no homosexuals among your personal assistants? Have you beaten them into submission? Because no self-respecting queen would greenlight a cover that makes you look like you were surprised in the shower.
Here's a free tip from us. Divas - true divas, that is - aren't about the tits and the ass. They're about turbans and diamonds, eyeliner and attitude. They don't care if people think they're hot because their talent and their self esteem propel them beyond mere issues of attractiveness or fuckability. Go slumming in a drag bar. Those bitches will show you how it's done.
Yours,
T Lo
56 comments:
Hear hear!
Miss Carey desperately needs some one to sit her down and say "Honey, you're the next size up in clothes." Everything looks like it sat in the dryer too long.
I remember the Divas tribute to Ms. Ross a few years back, and there was Miss Carey wearing some teeny tiny butterfly halter top that was about to bust open...lookin' even more trashy and classless than usual next to Ms. Ross who was wearing a tasteful slinky gown.
"Entirely too much tootie!"
Mariah reeks of low self-esteem, and it seems there is no one close to her who can say, "Girl, time for a more grown-up look." Poor thing.
Unlike yomanda, I simply cannot dredge up any sympathy for this skank (which I tried to strike, but blogger will not let me. I guess I have to let it stand). Hilarious post, tho, as usual.
You could not be more RIGHT ON!
Poor Mariah has never come across as very bright. And it's obvious that there are no gayboys in her entourage. Seriously: a movie called "Glitter" that is so bad there's no camp value in it whatsoever? There wasn't even any glitter!
Mariah, darling, get over whatever issues you might have about The Gays and let them in, honey. They can only help! And many of them would LOVE to!
Thanks, T.Lo, for bringing up this important issue.
I totally agree with you guys, but Mimi's laughing all the way to the bank. She's one of the bestselling recording artists of all time. She must be doing something right.
She can still woo the gays when she wears open-toed shoes to show some cleavage. One trip to the mike to express her undying love for us and we'll start worshipping at her feet and all her fashion desasters will be forgotten.
Mariah Carey has always given an aura of trashiness. I can't stand her music what with her screeching constantly to prove she has a 5 octave range or whatever it may be. Just because you can pierce our eardrums with that doesn't necessarily make you an awesome musician.
I love the comment you made about the vulva thing - that's hilarious. The word "vulva" itself is hilarious.
amen. Evern since the divorce from Tommy M (ok ever since the princess di wedding gown) she has been an ever-growing disaster.
Ew, yuck. Cannot. Stand. Her.
Amen to this whole post.
Bottom line: Mariah gotta get a few good gays.
MAriah is the only person whose remixes sound muuuuch better that her actual songs.
And i never liked the fact that she makes this "innocent girl" faces, while wearing stripper shoes and clothes.
If you want to dress like a stripper, at least add some bad attitude, and let the butterflies alone!
And another important thing...
She went crazy when mexican singer left her... is that a diva attitude??!?!?!?!?
Puhhhleezeee!
A gaggle of gays couldn't tone her down because she could never see a camera without turning on the cheese.
Let's concentrate our efforts elsewhere. Now that Olsen twin who sucked face with Ben Kingsley has possibilities!
BrianB
Speaking of the vulva, my former partner once had a really sore throat. He asked me to take a look with a flashlight. I looked and told him yes, there were some red areas.
"How about my vulva? Is it all red? Because it sure feels like it."
He was referring, of course, to his uvula.
Does anyone even care about Interview magazine? That cover calling her "the world's biggest diva" is amusing in and of itself.
I mean, c'mon, Diana Ross would eat her for breakfast with a side of Whitney and a Xtina chaser. So would Elton John, Aretha Franklin, Patti Labelle and Chaka Khan, for starters.
Mariah, though talented, should stop singing and posing for a while and just watch and listen from the pros to get her bearings.
The surprised-in-the-shower and entirely-too-much-tootie comments are right on the mark. You are all so funny.
I do feel a little sorry for these young women who feel the need to trash themselves in order to get attention from their fans. She at least has some talent to fall back on, not my taste, but she has some. (Unlike a few other overexposed celebs out there). Time to move on from the sexy starlet act, though…
Amen, T&L!
On the bright side, at least Interview didn't photoshop the poor girl into oblivion.
From the looks of that picture of her on the cover of her last album, it should have been called "The Emaciation of Mimi."
What ever happened to the cute Mariah frolicing in the field of flowers with the hot air balloons? Am I the only one who remembers this music video? Haha.
Seriously. She's too talented to look so cheap. She needs to leave that crap to the girls who can't sing and have to do this crap to get people to pay attention to them since their bodies are all they have to offer.
I'm not anti-nudity, but this isn't interesting, artistic, or tasteful nudity. It screams, "Look! I has nice butt! Let me show you it!"
she needs to get over herself!
" Dova1965 said...
Speaking of the vulva, my former partner once had a really sore throat. He asked me to take a look with a flashlight. I looked and told him yes, there were some red areas. "How about my vulva? Is it all red? Because it sure feels like it.He was referring, of course, to his uvula. "
Ha! Good one!
Down South here, rednecks think a vulva is what them dang yuppie liberals drive...
it depresses me how Pop Culture has totally confused "sexy" with "cheap."
because all i see these days are cheap-ass looking girls wearing ugly, cheap and common clothing.
find me a dame or diva under the age of 40 - i dare you! (an american one, please, just for the experiment)
Frogboots, good question. The only American under 40 I can come up with is Angelina Jolie, believe it or not. She flys planes, rides motorcycles, and steals husbands. She had a wild youth including having sex with girls. She is sexy and beautiful without dressing or acting like a cheap tart (Mariah, Britney, pay attention). To me, she could be classic dame and diva material.
And she's STILL doing the right side of her face forward! Ever notice her head is always turned to the left when being photographed, or her hair is obscuring the left side of her face? I mean, WTF?
KiP
Great thoughts as ususal.
First of all, the Diva thing has really been downgraded. It used to apply to one of a kind talents like Maria Callas. Now that's a DIVA. Now when some agent or article declares someone a diva I burst out laughing.
Second, I don't have a clue about Ms. Carey. Granted, I'm firmly in the classical music world, but I couldn't pick out her music no matter how hard I tried.
Thirdly, put some fricking clothes.
And lastly, since my bible of moviedom when out of business (PREMIERE magazine), I've been offered INTERVIEW several times. I'm glad I passed.
Thank you for articulating what I feel about this pathetic woman. Should I ever get famous, I promise to stay clothed and employ some gays to help bring out my divine diva-ness!
Saw her about a year ago in concert because a former student was touring with her. Took my daughter to see the Cheetah Girls a week later. I wanted to give the Cheetah Girls the $150 a ticket I spent on Mariah because those bitches danced and sang their asses off, Mariah sang 2 songs, then disappeared for 15 minutes for a costume change while some suck ass DJ played house music.Repeat 2 more times and that was the whole show.
It was the worst crap I ever sat through. Even my student's first words to me when she came out after the show were ...."I am so sorry ...."
When she sings her voice is still amazing- but who has the time or energy for the other bullshit?? Not at $150 a ticket!!!
She's 37?
You guys are hilarious. If I've had a bad day, I only have to come here, read your blog and the comments and feel happy.
Amen, boys. She needs to create a second act for her career because this one is played out.
She’s never been able to get past that VH1 Divas duet with Aretha Franklin where Franklin wiped her off the stage without even looking over at her. And by the way, Ms Carey? My grandmother would like her crocheted table cloth back. But wash your koochie juice off it first.
I was prepared to not agree, because I really am a big mariah fan... and seeing her live is just amazing. but you hit the nail on the head when you offered your 'free tip' at the end. i mean, how about a goddamn TURBAN? I mean I really don't mind the sluttiness of our modern stars' fashions - But what about donning something interesting? this magazine cover is just dull.
find me a dame or diva under the age of 40 - i dare you!
Does Reese Witherspoon qualify?
I wish Tom and Lorenzo would take a long look at Ms. Aretha Franklin, whom I love and seriously adore. But she has NEVER, ever, had a fashion sense. She dressed ghetto fabulous, and it just looks tacky tacky tacky.
Aretha needs to dress herself as a Queen, a step higher than a diva. But she's always spilling out of her clothes, has feathers around her hips, and wears disastrous huge prints.
If anyone needs a gay stylist, it's the Queen of Soul. I just *know* she could look ever so much better if she'd quit trying to outdo Streisand (or the skank on the corner in Detroit).
Maybe there's simply no style to be had in Detroit???
i accept Angelina Jolie as dame/diva, but reject Reese Witherspoon. She's always wearing jeans and capris and hoodies, and doesn't have enough....je ne sais quoi....for the title, in my book.
But I really would LOVE to hear more dame/diva suggestions! my brain is stuck on this one.....
sexy tablecloth she's got there.
I imagine a whole thanksgiving tables worth on the floor below her, just waiting for her to dive in.
Sweeties, the one and only Andre Leon Talley couldn't save her from herself. I think she's crossed over into Norma Desmond land. In a couple of years she'll be a parody of her former self and drag queens will be stealing her act and doing it better. This cover is a desperate cry for help. Geez girl, what did Tommy Mottola DO to you?
Amen, Sistahs !!!
"frogboots said...
But I really would LOVE to hear more dame/diva suggestions! my brain is stuck on this one..... "
Lara Flynn Boyle comes to mind and possibly Shannen Doherty...not a big fan of the latter but she sure has some attitude.
I totally agree with Angie as dame/diva...If we have to stick to American, I'm thinking Jennifer Lopez...of recent years, not so much of fly girl years. BTW, I'm loving the repeated use of "skank" on these posts....
Frogboots - Katie Holmes is dressing really well lately, but she's too much of a robot to be a true dame. maybe there is hope for her after she breaks free of Tom and goes through cult deprogramming.
As far as divas are concerned, no one comes to mind. The pop tarts have taken over music. I do have to say Chrisina Aguillera has improved herself quite a bit, but she's not there yet. And I don't like her music.
I have a Diva for you:
VANESSA WILLIAMS!!
She is all that and a bag of chips.
Gwen Stefani - has the look, has the voice, but no attitude.
She's even agreed to wear a burkha in Malaysia to keep the Muslims happy. Frankly, I think that rather than descending into hijab-hood, Gwen should skip Malaysia and leave them to whatever they consider to be their national anthem.
Frogboots,I think Kimora Lee Simmons is a diva. If you see her reality show, it is almost as if it's her personal goal to be a diva. When divadom is really an inherent genetic trait in my opinion. Ms. Simmons doesn't need to be any more difficult than she already is. 5 hours late to a photo shoot? Then demand a cover? =DIVA Reese=not a diva. Jennifer Lopez=DIVA, DIVA, DIVA!
mrpeenee said...
My grandmother would like her crocheted table cloth back. But wash your koochie juice off it first.
OH. NO. YOU. DIDN'T!!!
I love you, Mr. P!
Emma P.
PS: You'd think when she dumped Tommy Mattola, he'd get custody of the hoochie behavior, since she got that when he groomed her for stardom.
To the person who wrote about this: Ditto about Maria Callas and being involved in classical music and not being able to pick Mariah out from the rest. However, to be fair, I usually only have knowledge of really bad music outside of classical, so that's good news for her.
But seriously; both the titles "Diva" and "Supermodel" and I am sure a great handful of others were once so difficult to obtain, and now we see a lot of people calling themselves those things. The biggest Dames/Divas of all time aren't on magazine covers, they're on Warhols.
Ugh. No true Queen will let her walk out of the house with that HAIR! What is up with those roots? It looks so tacky.
Oh, the irony that Interview says this issue has "Fall Fashion Galore" and then puts Mimi on the cover using a doily to hide her big stuff.
"Go slumming in a drag bar. Those bitches will show you how it's done"
Love it! Yes, Ms. Carey has played the slut fashion card too often. Please, Mariah, listen to T&L - get yourself some gay stylists and listen to them!!!
You know what bothers me about this photo more than anything else? It's so incredibly fake. It looks like they were going for "adorable girl who looks like we caught her romping around in her birthday suit - so cute and so effortlessly sexy!" and instead got "woman putting painstaking effort into posing in the most flattering position and making sure everything is appropriatly covered or angled away and then grinning as though she didn't actually mean to be seen this way".
She is to true divadom as Old Navy is to couture.
American under 40 dame or diva? Perhaps Dita von Teese is a dame? Maybe Chloe Sevigny? Not divas, but maybe dames. Agree w/Angelina Jolie - dame. I'm striking out on any divas.
Ohhhh, A-M-E-N! I can only imagine that they had to do a Titanic amount of airbrushing to make ya look that decent.
Who even uses the word 'vulva', but pulp novelists and you guys??
But to me, the sad thing about the state of Mariah is that she actually has talent. What she doesn't have is someone to say 'No' to her; someone with taste to advise her, not only on her styling, but also on her song selection. She also needs someone to tell her to cool it with the vocal gymnastics - everything with her seems to be done to excess.
She should leave the trash to all those bimbos with no talent (ie; the Simpson girls, etc.)
--Gotham Tomato
I am LOVING these much-needed interventions you are doing lately. Please keep it up! You articulate so hilariously what the rest of us think. Are you taking any requests?
The fact that this magazine called Mariah the World's Biggest Diva is completely laughable.
Here's a free tip from us. Divas - true divas, that is - aren't about the tits and the ass. They're about turbans and diamonds, eyeliner and attitude.
Hallelujah and AMEN. I've never seen a truer word written in a blog.
oh i know y'all didn't even think that about oreos and ben & jerrys. did ya. no, you didn't.
thank you. yes. put some clothes on that beautiful womanly surely airbrushed body, miss thang. and have a cookie. you're looking good.
now PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. sheesh. dignity. get some.
Bravo! Brava! Why anyone with her enormous talent has to show so much skin is beyond me. She's one step up from Britney, but just barely.
Miss Thing should don a mantle of dignity and sing her pipes off, not show them off.
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