We're opposed to gay weddings. There. We said it.No, not gay marriage, Darlings. Believe us, we're a hundred percent behind that. No, it's the weddings with which we have a problem.
Now, before we go any further, we are always thrilled to see two of our brothers or two of our sisters spending some time celebrating their commitment to each other. No matter how they go about it, it's still a wonderful thing and in the end, no one can tell you the right way or the wrong way to do it.
But we'll give it a shot.
We're biased of course, but we tend to find gay weddings to be far more emotional affairs than straight weddings. The former is in many respects a statement on the power of love in the face of enormous opposition and the latter seems too often to be a statement on the bride's parents' income level. When we sit there and watch our lesbian friends exchange their vows, so overcome with emotion are we that we have to resist the urge to stand up and proclaim "Sisters, our very presence here today is a testament not only to the power of your love but to the strength of your character and we are so pleased and so blessed to witness it with you but OHMIGOD WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BOTH DRESSED LIKE CINDERELLA?"
We reiterate: do what's best for you but if we may darlings, can we suggest that you put a little thought into it rather than aping what your parents did? We, all of us, are fabulous, unique, powerful creatures and it would be so fantastic if we could find ways to express that in our ceremonies. Whenever we see two little brides or two little grooms on top of a white cake we just want to cringe a little. Sure, it's cute but when you couple it with all the other traditional trappings, sometimes it just comes off a little too much like we're trying to be something we're not.Every aspect of a traditional wedding, from the white dress to the walking down the aisle, to the exchanging of rings, to the throwing of the bouquet
to the cutting of the cake, has its roots in old, sometimes ancient, heterosexual courting rituals. In reality, they shouldn't really have any resonance with gay people.We say, if you want to fly your freak flag, you should go right ahead and do it. Get married in speedos or leather gear or flannel and Birkenstocks. Do it on horseback or on a stage. Get all your friends to come in drag. Set it to music and tap your hearts out like you're in an MGM musical or stage it like an opera.
Run your guests through a jazzercise class or make them walk a runway like they're supermodels.And if you're not a freak, then do something fabulous and sophisticated, sparkling and urban. A glittering cocktail party like something Fred and Ginger might have attended. Just don't get too hung up on who gets to be Ginger. Or hell, have a hayride and a hoedown if that's more your style.
The point is darlings, we're forging new ground on a social development unheard of in human history and it would be wonderful if each
of us really examined ways to express our strength and rarity and make our own traditions. Not so much to make a statement, because no one is really obligated to do that, but more to do it in a way that truly reflects who we are and doesn't ape traditions based on who we are not.Plus, come on, how awesome would it be to see an entire wedding party dressed up like Cher?
42 comments:
Hell I'm not even gay and that sounds like some awesome wedding ideas! My mom already almost had a heart attack when I told her I'm getting married in an exact replica of Scarlett O'Hara's red dress. Somehow that just made the idea more appealing.
Spot on. Funny you brought this subject up, as it was a topic of conversation amongst my group. All these $50,000 weddings evnetually become a blur in one's memory. They are TOTALLY forgettable and so boring that one can't wait to leave these stultifying receptions. So much energy spent; so much money wasted.
I took the money my dad would have spent on caterers and consultants and used it as a downpayment for a house, sewed my own dress, asked the University chaplain to quote E.E. Cummings love poems, and stood in the middle of a field of sheep shit because that hillock had the best view this side of the Atlantic. Then we threw a keg party and rocked the night away.
No one's forgotten MY wedding even though the marriage is long over.
I totally endorse this post. :-)
Bravo ms.place!
Weddings are a slippery slope no matter who the participants are. A lovely ceremony can so quickly be ruined by 1)stupid vows, 2)bad musical performances, 3)ugly outfits, 4)lasting too long (the worst offense). Whatever you do, do it quick and get to the party!
Amen and Thank you sisters!
Frankly, I'm not too thrilled with all the Trad trappings for us breeders either. Boooooring!
DH and I paid for our own wedding so that we could call our own shots and it cost us about $2500, 12 years ago. I made my dress and veil, walked my damn self down the aisle, alone, to opera sung live, walked from the ceremony to the restaurant with gay men screaming from their car windows. We spent most of the money on food and wine! Good food and Good wine and we enjoyed ourselves immensely!
That last picture is priceless in context of this post. Spot the Gay Couple -- I LOVE that game!
My best friends got married and served champagne straight through the ceremony. Really, if there's an open bar, does anything else matter?
Y'know what? I think that you could probably generalize this to ALL weddings, not just gay ones. (Says the girl who admittedly had a fairly traditional wedding.)
Amen sisters. It amazes me that people -- gay and straight -- still don't question a lot of the rituals. Like the idea that the father give away his daughter to her husband. At least a gay wedding doesn't have THAT one.
It is hard however: the wedding industry is a gaping maw that swallows everything in its path. It was one of the most powerful social and consumer forces I have ever had to combat. Mainly because it is insane. (No I don't have colors -- what am I a football team?)
For the record: I wore my grandma's Fabulous '30s cream silk satin gown. We went to little restaurant with incredible food. We splurged on a jazz combo. My only regret was not having more flowers.
You don't have to be wedding the same gender to make it all your own. the only problem is that since I buckled my swash in my own wedding, it's hard to enjoy anyone else's.
http://www.angusmacog.com/pirate.html
What exactly are you trying to say with that photo of David, Liza, Michael and Liz? I'm not getting it...
Perhaps it's because I'm an idealistic young'n (sorta), but I wonder if there really *is* anything wrong with a gay wedding being traditional--if that's what both parties want. *shrugs* But then again, some straight weddings have come very boring. Very... very boring.
"OHMIGOD WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BOTH DRESSED LIKE CINDERELLA?"
Well, the white dress is symbolic of purity. And everyone knows lesbians don't have sex.
...I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
I think people should get married the way they want to. Trad or rad. The wedding is for the couple to remember, not the guests. JMHO.
That infamous wedding photo of Liza, Liz, Michael and the mushroom---worthy of Diane Arbus---is one of my all-time favorite images. I actually had it framed in my apartment for a number of years. It's just so PERFECT! And I knew it was just a matter of time before it appeared on your blog. As usual, you did not disappoint! LOVE YOU!!!
OMG! Sometimes I wish I could get married once a year (luckily to the same guy, I done good) just to do it in a different way each time, and man, your suggestions sound like fun. My wedding was somewhat traditional, but we kept to a small budget and the reception was just a big party. I want to wear the dress Ginger had with the feathers that floated off. Best dress ever.
Since I am $50K in the hole over weddings, I salute anyone who goes non-traditional and saves a buck. Stepdaughters. Yuck.
But nontrad can be so much fun, too. I got married at dawn in my garden with 100 friends and a few family members. It was the most beautiful wedding ever and not just because it was mine.
So yea!! get married where ya can, y'all. And we'll keep harping to make it happen everywhere one day. Hoping, hoping, hoping.
lesbians don't have sex ~ *snort* ~ Madeleine, you so funny!
My mom already almost had a heart attack when I told her I'm getting married in an exact replica of Scarlett O'Hara's red dress. Somehow that just made the idea more appealing.
OH MY GOD!!! I LOVE that dress so much! Where oh where did you find a replica and oh will you be posting pictures of the happy day somewhere?
If I ever get nominated for some major award (and my mind is suddenly filled with the father from A Christmas Story yelling "It's a major award!") I want to wera a dress inspired by Scarlett's red dress.
Soooo envious of you!!
I saw a wedding shown on tv once (I tihnk it was A Wedding Story on TLC) and the couple had a Halloween wedding and had everyone come in costume. The best moment was the mother of the bride giggling in delight that Wonder Woman was seating the guests.
I really think that all couples should plan the wedding that suits their style. I hope that eventually the wedding industry will be completely infiltrated by people who want to wear purple dresses, or have can-can girls serving drinks, or be swung down the aisle dressed as Erroll Flynn!
I think that if people want the old-fashioned style wedding, they ought to have it. I love both of your blogs, but why insult other people's decisions?
That said, if I get married, I won't make anyone sit through a ceremony longer than fifteen minutes and we'll spend the rest of the night dancing. A jazz club would be cool.
Can we just ban weddings altogether? Please?
Purty please?
:D
Maaaaaaan, I've been lucky so far in avoiding 'em. I'm not against the whole sappy/happy deal for those involved in the spirit of the affair. Good for them! No, I just wanna keep my distance because suit-'n-tie or penguin-wear only makes more arduous the rest of the all encompassing BORINGNESS.
:P
I love weddings..all 3 of mine were fabulous! Never once did I 'do' the white dress thingie, bridmaids( my gays would have been furious)and long(zzz's)scripted promises that I would never keep!From experience( rofl) my recomendation is have a fabulous party for those you love to share in your happiness!
Meh. I don't disagree with you but I disagree with the sentiment of this entry.
I realize you're saying "Do whatcha' like...Oww owwww", but traditional can be less stressful and more meaningful for the couple and guests alike. If I got married, it would be nice to be able to talk about the cake, the honeymoon, the processional music, the attendants outfits, etc. All the stuff interested people usually ask about!
Certainly, everyone do whatever floats your boat, but I dislike wierd for wierd's sake, especially at weddings. I've been to str8 weddings before where I immediately roll my eyes upon hearing that they've constructed their own ceremony from scratch. Or weddings where I find myself standing under a friggin tree, trying to see the ceremony through foliage. Or standing in the dark waiting for some ill-conceived candle hoo-ha to happen. Ugh.
Times like that, I want less creativity and more booze! Give me champagne and stop the interpretive dance, people!
I really dont get what would be wrong with a gay marriage being traditional in the forms of clothing, music, cake and such.
Im a gay man myself- and i happen to think having a traditional GAY wedding would be just as IN YOUR FACE than anything else. We're just like you- we want to get married just like you.
Personally i'd be rolling my eyes if i want to some tricked out liberace wedding where the grooms walked down a purple carpet aisle to heart thumping techno beats. Alot of the things you were saying dont sound fabulous, glamorous or decadent like your Fave Mrs.Bennett would like, it sounds quite tacky and expected.
While i agree our weddings should have things that differ from heterosexual weddings-but really thats going to be an obvious thing! ITS A GAY WEDDING AFTERALL! heh. I just don't see the wrong in people doing what they feel is right to them.
.Chris.
Living in the San Francisco Bay Area we get to see all sorts of joining together extravaganzas. One of the nicest I have seen recently was for two gay men held on the beach at Chrissy Field with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background.
Everyone was dressed for a party, vows were exchanged in a meaningful but not sappy way. All the wedding party members wore Hawaiian leis. The wedding couple's two dogs were spiffed up and wandering happily through the guests who were loosely gathered in a semi-circle. And everyone but the wedding couple and the attending official had a champagne glass. When it was all over they climbed into assorted vehicles, including a few hired cars with drivers and headed off for a great party. I almost crashed the wedding with my 120 lb Rhodesian Ridgeback, Indiana Jones; actually he did crash the ceremony, briefly, but my dog-walking clothes did not do justice to the moment.
Now if only I can talk my daughter into something equally stylish, heart-felt and un-contrived.
Funny, I had never thought about this but, once again, you guys are absolutely spot-on. Most hetero weddings are obnoxious and meaningless enough, so why would all the fabulous gays out there want to emulate this when announcing their commitments?
Another excellent post, boys!
At my wedding, I gave my gay friend my bouquet (vs. throwing it). He was in heaven. :-)
Hmmm...Vera is torn on this one.
I'm straight and I personally don't plan on having a "traditional" wedding, it's just not me. But I have friends that that appeals to, because two people bonding together to love and chersish is a traditional human idea, whomever it may have been civilly or societally offered or denied to in the past. If someone was gay and having a traditional wedding because they thought it's what they "should" do, that makes me sad. But if it moves them somehow to do so, I think they should, and I'd keep my trap shut the same as I do for straight friends walking down the aisle looking like merengues. I think if it's their wedding, they should do what makes them happy. I may quietly snicker in the background, but I would never tell them what they should or shouldn't do for themselves.
that photo of david, liZa, michael and liz would make the perfect greeting card. it should read: "go nuts over the holidays".
Madelineanne, I am lucky enough to know a very talented and patient dressmaker. She specializes in re-creating vintage looks.
I am not a white dress kind of girl though. I was torn between pink and red. Pink is my favorite color (cerise pink, not bubblegum) but red is the color of passion, and anyone who knows me will tell you... that's me. I think our weddings should reflect us, and while a traditional wedding might reflect some, it just doesn't reflect me.
In the end you just have to do what makes you happy, or as Daniel Franco would say, you have to chase your bliss (or some bullshit to that effect)
This is so interesting!
I was talking to a dear (gay) friend a while ago, and I was saying how much I believe in equal rights, etc...
(I was raised among gay men so I can't really get the 'it's wrong' thing)...
Then he comes and say that he also believes in equal rights, but he could not stand the whole "gay marriage" flag. At the time I was a bit surprised, thinking that was what all gay men wanted. And he stated that he thought the whole "wedding" (as in religious marriage) was something that was directly connected to an archaic way of thinking which opposes homosexuality.
So, for him, you could have a party and a civil marriage ( in order to have legal rights), but he didn't get it the idea of trying to fit into the 'conventional'. He said that for him, it was like bagging to get into a fraternity that made fun of you all the time.
For me, I'm with Chris Rock, as he once said: " I'm all for gay marriage. Why should only straight people be miserable?"
;-)
Yeap. Dead on as usual. We here in NJ hope that the term "gay marriage" becomes law, but I fear the conservatists will topple the talks over that one. Too bad. Either way, I'd like to see heterosexual couples stop doing what's considered "traditional" because it's all so hokey anyways.
Oh, boys, I so agree. But I'll also be so self conscious now. When Ed & I decide to make it official here in NJ, I'll need to consult with you both for ideas.
Please read begging, not bagging. (tsk..tsk..)
Maybe the card should say from our famliy to yours... Happy Holidaze!
Though I have not attended a gay wedding (some of my friends have been together for over 20 years--no ceremony--) I had no idea that the wedding insanity crosses all boundries. The breeder weddings I have attended were WAY too long (seemed longer than they couples stayed together).
I had a big old Godfather wedding....remember? ("You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding......")It was one cliche after another...but the food was great and we made a bundle. (Italians give cash only gifts.)
I was also maid of honor at a gay wedding once. It lasted 3 weeks.
PS-Sewhat? MY dog's name is Inadiana Jones too!
I think the real reason behind gay couples running to traditionally straight weddings is because, well, tradition. I mean, what else did we see growing up when a happy couple pledged their undying love for each other? As much as I hate to admit it, whenever I've daydreamed about marrying the (yet undiscovered) love of my life, I can't help but picture us sitting in Vera Wang's NYC boutique, talking of Mikimoto pearls and orchids and guest lists. (I would love nothing more than to be able to spend a vulgar amount of money on my bride-to-be's wedding dress.)
I, too, sometimes question why on god's green earth so much of gay culture hinges on straight culture and why we feel the need to take on their traditions when we could just invent our own. I think it will happen one day, but I think gays as a whole just need a little time.
Just my $.02.
macasism said...
You don't have to be wedding the same gender to make it all your own. the only problem is that since I buckled my swash in my own wedding, it's hard to enjoy anyone else's. http://www.angusmacog.com/pirate.html
11/14/2006 11:48 AM
OMG AWESOME!
If that does not stop global warming in its tracks, I don't know what will.
As a female no-longer-able-to-breed, I can only put in a biased POV, but I must share...
I don't know about men and weddings; straight men refuse to speak about them and the only gay wedding I've attended was very traditional, except the grooms dressed in gorgeous cream poet-style shirts with champange brocade vests instead of tuxes, and it was about 10 years ago.
But when it comes to the whole Cinderella thing, any female who grew up in America has a little time bomb in her head about her wedding day. From the age of 6 months she learned about white dresses and bridal registries. And no, it is not some capitalist conspiracy - it's her mother, aunts and grandmothers who teach her.
What I learned when the rat-bastard ex and I wed 16 years ago was that you can plan for whatever you want, but unless you are a)paying for everything and b)planning on *never* speaking to any older female relatives again, you had damn well better do the traditional thing or you will have so f'ing much grief...
If family is involved in any way, forget the idea that a wedding is for the couple. You are just a prop and no one cares. The family wants pretty, the guests want decent food/drink/music, and the vendors, including the celebrant, want money.
No, I'm not bitter, why do you ask?
You, gentleman, have said exactly what I've been trying to say to my friends for years. I'm not against the idea of two homosexual people spending the rest of their lives together and all of the other fun stuff that comes with being "legally married," but PLEASE.
No traditional wedding.
The context of what we view to be a "traditional wedding" is extremely rooted in the classic idea of a man and his wife. It's also, in my opinion, quite religious, but that's just me talking.
Do something awesome to celebrate your love for one another. Leave the traditional weddings for unimaginative people like me.
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