Cotton: The Official Fabric of Paranoia

Monday, November 13, 2006 by
Ignoring the silliness of cotton being the "official fabric" of Project Runway, could Cotton Lady's pitch have been more innocuous?

"Cotton is, like, totally awesome! You can dye it! Colors! Good luck!"

Uh...yeah. Thank you, Cotton Lady.

Of course, that may have been what we heard but obviously she was sending a message at a pitch that only drama queens can hear:

"Cotton is a trap, I tell you! A TRAP! It's the bitch of fabrics, and if you turn your back on it, it will drive a fellow designer to SABOTAGE! Watch your backs, bitches! I'm outta here! Just the SMELL of the stuff is driving me crazy!"

What other possible explanation could there be for Kevin's bizarre accusation?

"So...much cotton...

Something's...missing... I can't"*

On that well-organized workspace? Color us shocked!

*Yes, overuse of ellipses is poor writing, but come on, he really talks like that.

"Cotton Lady my... head. She said... you're trying to... hurt me. Cotton Lady never ...lies. Sweet, sweet Cotton Lady..."

"What? Stop touching me, freakshow."

"That sure is... a pretty color...Jay. It looks....familiar. I...sure didn' anything you'd...regret. Cotton Lady...wouldn't"

"Why do you always sound like you're reciting Haiku? See this? My cotton! Mine! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pinch one out and I'd prefer not to do it with the door open. Trust me, you'd prefer it too."

"Bitch clearly can't handle his cotton. Me? No, I've always dressed like this. Why do you ask?"

But wait, what's this?

"Lalalala. Here it is, Kevin. I just happened to find it. Over here, right where I'm working. What a coincidence, hunh?"

J'ACCUSE! How is it that we never noticed this before? That bitch took the frickin' dye!

"HAHAHAHA! Whoo! Sorry about that. It was just the cotton talking! Listen, do you have any extra cotton that you're not using. I just want know...touch it..."

"I have a hot iron and I'm not afraid to use it, Bitch."


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Vic said...

Bitch not only took the frikkin' dye, but Kevin comes across as a total snivelling whining wussie baby.

I fell hopelessly in love with Jay in this episode. I WANT that fake fur stole. He MUST reveal the name of his hairdresser. Not even Santino tops Jay's on camera interviews.

Jay-bo I LOVE YOU.

The Scarlett said...

Maybe Wendy misunderstood the challenge and was telling them all that someone would have to die. Then she found the box of Rit and decided to borrow it as a talisman against the evil properties of cotton.

Anonymous said...

DeFranco? De---Franco? makes me think of some poseur....

Anonymous said...

OMG. I can't stop laughing. You guys are hilarious!

Must go back to work now.

Anonymous said...

Why is it that I'm reading the lines you wrote for Kevin in William Shatner's voice??? What are you two doing to me?

Anonymous said...

Lol!! It's cotton not Oxycontin! If I were De...Franco I would have gone straight for Wendy.

Sequins and stardust,

patsystone said...

Of course Wendy stole the dye. She should have been exposed for it and then received the appropriate punishment! I say death by dismemberment. We will start with stripping her of her integrity and honor...oh wait, they're already gone.

James Derek Dwyer said...

I love when Jay dresses up like Bjork for the confessionals!

Embeedubya said...

"Someone stole my dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye! Someone stooooooooooooooooooole my dyyyyyyyyyyyyye! There are voices in my head -- oh, wait, that's my IPod. But sooooooooomeoooooooone stooooooooooole myyyyyyyyyyy dyyyyyyyyyyye!" Jeez. Put a cotton sock in it, bub. And note to self: check with Witchipoo first!

Suzanne said...

Kevin is by far one of the weirdest ones ever on PR. He is....creepy.
Thats fo' sho'.

Anonymous said...

Oh my GOD, I totally heard it in William Shatner's voice too!!!!

I just snorted coffee up my nose when I read "pinch one out".


Anonymous said...

Aww. I just remembered that I like Kevin, even if he's a bit... off. I remember rather liking a lot of his outfits, and he made a few of the excellent dresses Heidi wore in Season 2.

Is it just more, or do Jay's actual lines in the episode sound like they were already written by you? These captions just sound like alternate takes, haha.

LOVE JAY. Can't wait till you review his outfit for this and the next challenge.

Anonymous said...

"Bitch clearly can't handle his cotton. Me? No, I've always dressed like this. Why do you ask?"

Jay looks like Dee from 'What's Happening' all grown up and ready for her 'E! True Hollywood Story'.

--Gotham Tomato

Anonymous said...

Jay looks like Dee from 'What's Happening' all grown up and ready for her 'E! True Hollywood Story'.

--Gotham Tomato

Actually, GT, Dee from 'What's Happening' will not be having her 'E True Hollywood Story'. She's a well respected veterinarian in LA. So that's Dr. Dee (Danielle Spencer) to you & yours. LOL!

Anonymous said...

Jay Carroll: The UN-blackglama advert prospect.

Anonymous said...

This is the first time I noticed that Pepper took the dye. She is so evil!

Jay is the bestest contestant ever in the history of pr. He's hilariously funny, made the BEST collection in all three years and he's actually a nice person. He never allows himself to get sucked into the maelstrom of drama swirling around him, even when others provoke or accuse him. Jay, you may be a freak, but a freak who was raised right!

And Kevin is weird and creepy, but I like him. Again, why do I like Kevin and HATE VINCENT! Oh yeah, Kevin can actually make nice clothes.

Anonymous said...

What becomes a legend least?

Anonymous said...

I didn't start watching PR till a few episodes into Season 1 but the episodes I missed couldn't have been more funny or entertaining than reading this! I just love what you do with demented dialogue!

It's interesting to see them in such exotic locales as the laundry room and the men's john! Bravo must have cut the budget after this season.


Unknown said...

I'm sorry, but Jay is just gross...whatever happened to Kevin Johnn?

Anonymous said...

""Why do you always sound like you're reciting Haiku?"

LOL. It's true. Kevin got on my nerves real quickly.

Vic said...

Oh, darlings. I just love kitsch. One might say I'm a visual collector of all things kitsch. And when it's done right--and Jay is a master--then it's so divine.

So please don't call our dear Jay gross or white trash. Just enjoy his visual puns and LAUGH out loud.

eric3000 said...

Hey Linda DeFranco,

If you love cotton so much why don't you marry it?

Anonymous said...

To find Kevin's dye look at the first picture of Kevin (just below the last picture of the cottonwhore). Look at the bottom of the frame just right of center and there lays a red box with RIT written on it.

Sometime between the first "I can't find my dye, have you seen my dye, who took my dye" my guess is mizzz Lalalalalolly snatched it up and held onto it just long enough for Kevin to get paranoically behind time-wise then "Yo Kev! Is this your dye? Cost you a kiss to get it back! No. Kiss me first then you get the dye. Come to mama. It's just one little kiss for crapsake! You want the damned dye or not?"

DolceLorenzo said...

I can't stand Kevin. He creeps me out.
You know, I never thought of that... Wendy probably stole the dye.

Anonymous said...

WOW! La Pepper stole the dye!!!

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen this season, so I don't know how he sounds, but just from these pictures, he remind me of John Ritter.

Anonymous said...

They got to wear Ipods in S1? What's up with that noise? Even the most idiotic reality show production knows to take everything away to force confrontation.

I have only seen a couple episodes of S1 (these first two and the final), but I can only imagine a Pepper moment somewhere in between:


Anonymous said...

"I didn't steal the bitch's dye" is a classic. I love that!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe he ran after Jay and accused him of stealing the freaking dye. Jay was NOT using a black dye.

Anonymous said...

That picture of Wendy holding the dye is priceless.

Anonymous said...

I'm rewatching S1 right along with you (actually seeing the first few eps for the first time) and, yeah. Jay? The best. Kevin? As Catherine Maladrino might say: "He is in another world." Wendy? Undiluted evil. S1? So much better than S3.

madelineanne said...

And I truly truly think that Wendy stole the bitch's dye! HATE!!!