The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011
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Shear Genius S3E2

More catching up to do!


"HaLLo, sTYLists, ToODAyy, I eM tReSSed lIke A hOOOOker tOO InsPIYER yOO!"

Fashion Week is kicking our asses, bitter kittens, but that doesn't mean we can't make time to rip some hair. In fact, darlings, one should always take time every day, no matter how busy one might be, to do two things: a good 15-minute skin regimen, and judging others' hair and clothing.

But first,

Oh, Giacomo-feeno-ahnahnay, how could you leave us so soon? We had such high hopes for your entertainment value. You could have had blog immortality. Instead, you flaked out like...well, like the flake you are.


Anyway, the rest of the attention whores stayed behind for a food-based challenge. Bravo missed out on a little Top Chef cross promotion there. They could have had a followup challenge where the chefs had to make a dish out of hair.


Anyway, Congrats, Sling Blade.

Like we said, it was a pretty silly challenge. We have no real opinion on who shouldabin winner or loser. This 'do was based on a dish of seared scallops.

*shrug*

Okay. If you say so. It's pretty enough.

And it's sayonara, Arzo, whose name sounded a bit like a petroleum company to us.

Tuna Tataki. It's about as much "Tuna Tataki" as Sling Blade's was "Seared Scallops," but honestly, we can't get worked up over the decision. Not because we were bored or anything, but the judging criteria for this kind of thing is even more arbitrary than it normally is, so if the judges hated this look, so be it. They're the experts. Jonathan said it looked old lady. Certainly, there's nothing fabulous about it, and as Kim pointed out, she failed to color the underside of her hair, which sounds like a pretty egregious mistake. Seems like good enough reason to send Arzo home.

Besides, she hasn't entertained us. Off with her head.


All right bitches, we've got a lot more hair to rip, so let's just whip this out. Ready? SCROLL!



Adee
Steak Tartar
She looks traumatized. It looks like he took a hand mixer to her head and besides, no one wants hair the color of raw meat.


Amy
Dakota Burger
Hello, Tits! Looks more Statue of Liberty than hamburger. Kim said he was hoping she'd gone with Princess Leia buns. What Kim failed to mention is the 100% likelihood that he would have criticized her for going the cliche route if she'd done that.



April
Heirloom Tomato Salad
This wigstand went straight home that night and fired her agent. Then she set his house on fire.



Brian
Chocolate Mousse
Y'know, the judges were all moist for this one and we can't say we agree. Kim thought it looked "creamy" and Camila kept saying it looked "yommy," but all we could think was "You're gonna criticize Exxon's hair for being too 'old lady' and you're all creaming over Martha Washington here?"



Brig
Tiramisu
She's a big fucking whackadoo and she made a big fucking whackadoo hairstyle. Alert the media.



Faatemah
Orange Flan Trio
This wigstand clearly had to be drugged to have her photo taken. No sober person would smile like that when her hair looked like that.

Oh, and we love a good trash-talking reality show bitch, but only when they've got the goods to back it up. Faatemah's been putting down pretty much everyone while turning out some fairly mediocre looks.



Janine
Beet Salad
It's got a little bit of "Toni Basil circa 1986" vibe to it that we can't help but love a little. Doesn't do a thing to make us think of beet salad, though.




Matthew
Yellowtail Namachi
Now see, THAT's the correct facial expression to have when you're forced to model a fucked-up hairstyle that makes you look like a cross between Marie Antoinette and a blowfish. Obviously, this wigstand is a professional and didn't require narcotics to do the job she was hired to do.

She also burned down her agent's house that night. In fact, she met up with the other wigstand because they have the same agent.


[Photos: BravoTV.com]


Post a Comment
66 comments:

yikes. all awful. ALL OF THEM


also TLo, any clue who made the dress the host wore last week?! black and teal. it was the only bearable thing about the show.


The only way to watch this show is with the sound off. Possibly the worst host evah??


you boys KILL me. love all the bitchery.

xo


Couldn't believe my homeboy Giacomo decided to leave such pleasant company and go home to be with the kiddies. And he did show some promise, entertainment-value wise. Arzo's name reminded me more of rice-shaped pasta than oil company, but that's just me. Whack-a-doodle's do made the model look a juggling act that went horribly wrong. Hard to believe these stylists are supposedly tops in their field. Makes me glad I cut my own hair.


"....you look like a cross between Marie Antoinette and a blowfish." - Just great - now I have to clean off my computer screen (again. What is it with you two?) Thanks for the laughs - I needed it today.


I'm grateful to this show...onn'a count'a I haven't laughed this hard out loud all week, and this silly show made y'all write ALL THAT FUNNY!

Show: whatever
Commentary: GOLD MEDAL!


The Chocolate Mousse picture doesn't really do justice. The hairstyle was really quite good and, in my opinion, should have taken the win.


Guys! Why didn't you cover the Short Cut? Fixing bad blonds by doing nothing different to all but two of them. And Kim Vo judging it, too! So much material to work with, and you didn't touch it.

I'm disappointed.


WTF is up with Brig's own yellow hair? Or is it continuity problems on the program? One moment she has very long bangs swept to the side and the next they are cropped at her eyebrows. Back and forth switching with every screenshot of her. Disconcerting how it shrinks and grows within the episode. Or. It's a farking yellow wig.


This comment has been removed by the author.

Your comments are hysterical. Burn all their houses down!


This comment has been removed by the author.

Waaaa! Can't believe Giacomo is gone. He definitely would have made for more interesting recaps!

Still liking Jon. Sling blade! You guys crack me up. Don't ever change.

Wish you had commented on the short cut challenge where it was supposed to be about color, but most colored their wigstands' already blonde hair blonde. Good grief!


I give this credit for singlehandedly drawing me back into this show after I refused to watch because they got rid of Jaclyn.

Why? Because it gave birth to beautiful judges' lines like "where is the tuna in this hair?" and "do you see the hamburger in this hairdo?"


Some of these have to be seen from the back to "get" them, I think. Supposedly, SlingBlade's (I forgot his name) had curls on the back that looked like scallops.

Janine's looked more like tomatoes than beets.

They really liked Matthew's, as I remember. Being literal is not a flaw when styling hair, I guess.


Camila speak, a primer, of sort:
Back in sale: You know, the actress from the vampire movies, KateBackinSale.

Sell a breeze: Famous people who walk on red carpets.

Cowlips: From the sea, usually grilled with pasta.

Collar: Red, brown, blonde are all hair collars.

Swish Ditches: Change your plate for someone else's plate.


Re: sunnygirl-
I DO watch with the sound off!

Re: Sling Blade- too funny!!!


HAHAHAHahaha!! MAN that is some fk'd up hair!


Don't even watch this, but cracked up at the zydeco reference with Giacomo! :)


OMG! I CANNOT STAND the Jaclyn Smith replacement. I truly cannot understand her half the time. I love accents -- but this girl is Mush Mouth! WTF?

I may not be able to get throught the whole season. Maybe I'll put the closed captioning on and watch it on mute.


"Oh, Giacomo-feeno-ahnahnay"
LOL!

I'm glad i'm not the only dork to have that in my head everytime he is mentioned or onscreen.


The only thing more tortured on this show this season than the hair is Camila Alves' execution of the English language.


What a waste of TV airwaves.

The best part is your recap. Seriously.


To: Jordan Baker
ROFLMAO


Anyone else find it disturbing how much Brian looks like a young Charles Manson dressed like Jim Morrison?


I think I said this last week, but it's worth it to watch this show just to read your recaps! SO funny!


This show is just so whacked out I really don't have anything to add, Camilla is awful Jonathan & Kim are plastic and the stylist couldn't hold a torch to Tabatha.


Honestly I am kind of annoyed.

When on TFS's recap show, they showed the clips where IM could not understand that mean little man and Kelly played interpretor (and I could not understand him when IM couldn't), people got p.o'd saying it wasn't funny and getting angry when I thought the clip was funny.

Well I also thought TLo's interpretting was funny - and I could hear her voice (eek) when reading it literally.

I am sincerely curious why it is okay to mock Camille and call her the worst host ever - and I really think she has a speech impediment, not just an accent... while with Merlin, it SEEMED like it was sometimes lazy pronunciation, and laughing at a clip where all of the contestants laughed was "wrong".

Honestly - how it that worse?

Oh and the love of the frizzy hair just seems like the judges really lack taste. I did "sea" scallops though.


Oh and I do0 know that it was not all of the regulars (named folks).


Amy's best of a pile of shit.

Matthew wasn't old lady, that was straight up Mozart in a powdered wig.


Redhead, yer killin' me.

I kind of liked the challenge. Yeah, stupid, but in the right hands could have been pretty cool. I think they all should have gone avant garde.


Darlings, don't ever-ever start taking Prozac :)


Your bitching is still ringing in my head, I had to read your post a second time, you kill me,
Best Post Ever


Okay- next time I read your blog, I'm gonna make sure my bowels are empty because I almost had an accident from laughing so hard! TMI? This show is so boring but I wouldn't miss your comments on it! Happy there's a good President Day!


I HATED brig's whack do. I liked Sling blades hair, and the beet salad hair! Plus Janine dresses so cute you can't help but love her!


I don't watch this show, but I still look forward to your recaps every week.

Thank you for this delightful diversion!


I love Yon. Is that really how he pronounces his name or is it another Camila-ism?

And WTF Giacomo? It's only been one challenge! There wasn't even a buildup! WTF?


I was a guest at the Top Chef "Gay Wedding" episode and there WAS a hair in my food! That detail never made it to airing...


I agree with all your assessments.

I will be really impressed when they do a hairstyle for an African-American or someone of Dominican Republican heritage. ALL NATURAL NO CHEMICALS! That will be a challenge, until then...YAWN!

Except for all your bitchy comments, the comments are SO MUCH better than the show.

And Matthew's girlfriend looks so much better when she doesn't speak...just my opinion. I do the same thing Sunnygirl does..watch without sound.


...She also burned down her agent's house that night.

*snort*

Loved the comment about Brig's "do" (from Kim Vo?) that the hair looked like "an interracial snowman."


Heee hee hee ho ho ho. You know, just last week I went to my stylist with a picture of a Happy Meal and said, "Can you make me look like this?"

I actully like the kooky inspiration hair challenges, but this one seemed to take the kooky to a whole other level of say WHAT?


"Hello Tits!"

Ha ha classic! I thought I was going to spit my Diet Coke on the computer when I read that!

FYI - I heard Matthew, the 50's greaser/kind of looks like a woman, & Charlie "I'll cut a bitch" Price from last season were an item.


Arzo's style looked like bride hair...like every bride at every wedding I went to in the 90's. I can't style hair worth a damn, and I recognized that!


Does anyone else think that Jonathan Antin looks like one of the statues on Easter Island?


I've never watched this show and this is the first time I've looked in on the TLo Recapalooza. "Wigstand"--!! There, I scared the cat again.


I missed this episode. Correct that. I didn't see this episode, but didn't miss it. If it hadn't been for your post, TLo, I would have forgotten it was on.


What she said: In your heart of hearts, if you feel that was fair, that's your call.

What she meant: Come the fuck on. No way were you going to cut From the Country of Simi Valley so early in the season. But her hair sucked way worse than mine and you all know it.


Is that Adee as in The Salon from the UK? I used to love that guy!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375440/

xRoz


I didn't see the show. I didn't need to. I am POSITIVE your commentary was far more entertaining.

And all in the midst of Fashion Week. Keep eatin' those Wheaties.


As much as like your site I found your ripping of the hair to be a bit poor. primarily because the execution of the hair is in the round. so when you only show one photo and make a judgement your not doing the stylist justice. If you showed side and rear photos of the hair then The inspiration of food would be more appearent.


honestly, I love it when you are short on time, because you put some of the funniest comments EVAH all in one post. Each time I scrolled, I thought the next comment was funnier than the last. I am still gagging over the thought of a "hair dish" on Top Chef and shouting EURIKA at the moniker of "Sling Blade." I knew he looked familiar!

If it is the crack cocaine keeping you moving, then take more of it cuz you guys are on a roll!


I feel so much better about my day now. Insightful commentary and a call out to IKO IKO (the Cyndi version, of course!).

Nice concept, but the hair looked as overwrought and distasteful as the food.


"Toni Basil circa 1986"
Nailed it!


I couldn't help but wonder why the host kept mentioning "fathers" and "collars".


Those "wigstands" don't have agents. They are too fat and ugly to be real models. They are FOOD SERVERS hahahah and this was probably the highlight of their year.


I watch this hot mess of a reality show, just as I did LML, ONLY to read about it here afterwards and be amused. Boys--you never disappoint. Nor do your commentators.
I'm sorry, though, that no mention was made of the short-cut challenge with Kim-of-the-plastic-face judging. I didn't have enough popcorn to throw at the TV.

Also, please tell me the difference between the winning and losing looks? Both looked like dated updos. Wha....?


Love you guys!


OMG, I love you guys.
"hello tits" too funny.
I missed most of the show, , but saw the ending.
I like Camilla and her accent. She seems pretty chill.

Adie seems really nuts/angry.
Amy and Jeanine could go far.

jeanine reminds me of Lee Remick from the original Omen movie.


btw Brig-please get out of those tight, shiny leggings-yucky

zinnia


You should have said the AINW reference for Adee b/c that pink frizz was screaming Johnny Depp as Mad Hatter. But since I can always use more Deppness Adee earns a Free B*tch Pass for Ep 3. Fatima and Brig howev shld bring the skills if they are gonna con't to smacktalk and/or be the resident crazy.


I'm probably in the minority...and I hesitate to put this out there, but...

I don't have a problem understanding Camilla, I thought she had much more personality in ep 2, and I assume she's going to continue to loosen up.

I'm not saying I think she's a fantastic host, and I still miss Ms. Smith, but I'm ok with Camilla. Anyone remember how awful Todd Oldham was the first season of Top Design?

Oh - can't stand Brig in any way, but her hair, in particular, makes me wanna barf.


Since when do single digit IQ + speech impediment = TV hostess?

I do a lot of muting in order to watch. Can't deal with the mushmouth.

And I saw a comment on an article re: Giacomo-feeno-ahnahnay Hagar in an Austin paper. Written by someone who claimed to be a former coworker. He wrote that the reason he quit was that his entire backstory was pure fiction--all the way down to being from New Jersey rather than Italy--and that he realized if he stayed, he'd be found out sooner or later.

Believe it ... or not.


I am also starting to come around to Camilla. She seems like someone you could kick back and smoke a joint with (I'm sure she does a lot of that).

I guess I must be feeling generous tonight, because I am also warming up to Brig. I love the fact that her bangs change with each confessional. Plus that big dopey grin.

The Jim Morrison guy looks like he's packin' and has a nice chest.

I can tell that Sling Blade is going to annoy me before too long. He is either autistic or doing loads of speed.


dudes. Tiramisu gal was totally pranked on Reality Hell (picture here). Well, at least she's a model now!


How did Brig make it through that? How is she even still on the show? She sucks! And Camilla is warming up to me too! Even starting to like Jonathan's comments!





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