The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011
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Virgins v. Vixens

Oh my goodness, kittens! We've totally neglected our goddesses!

Perhaps it was because subconsciously, we simply didn't want to face the results. We didn't want either of the combatants to leave the ring. But someone had to go and after counting a TON of votes, by a margin of less than 20, the loser was finally revealed. It is with great sadness that we inform you that...


Not that we can argue with the outcome. If we'd voted, we would have picked Sophia too because sultry vixens will always win out over the virginal in our eyes, even if that virgin is a fashion icon.

Well, it's time for two Vixens to go up against each other, wouldn't you say?

We are embarrassed to admit that the newest entry into the ring is someone who probably should have entered the competition a while ago except we simply forgot about her. Many would argue that she doesn't deserve to stand among the giants of the finalists, but we don't know if that's true. She may not have had the most stellar career in the world, but you can't deny she made a big impact. Who are we talking about? Scroll down, you impatient thing!




And of course, no matchup would be complete without the following iconic image:

Don't you love it when vixens get all judgmental with each other?

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Sophia Loren. If only for that killer "Bitch, please." look in that last photo...

Sophia gets it just for the face she's making at at poor oblivious Jayne. Bitchface like that cannot be taught. I bow down before it.

Sophia. Hands down.

Audrey's dead!


In honor of her, I may make a post about one of her movies in my blog. I probably won't, but I feel sorry for the poor thing.

OH MY GOD that last picture is fucking PRICELESS!!! Sophie, per favore...


Sophia. Because of that picture and because Sophia is better, IMO

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that photo. You cannot make that shit up.

I'm voting for Sophia. My grandmother resembled her back in the day, and I have a fondness for her that goes beyond movies.

But you have to give Jayne props for, ahem, putting it out there.


Jayne, because I enjoy Law and Order SVU.


It's funny, I never really thought Mariska Hargitay looked much like her mother until that last picture. It's something about the eyes...

I guess I'll vote for Jayne.

Ms. Loren FTW. Even though rumor has it the last photo was a staged publicity stunt.


Sophia, no question.

Sophia, for sure, but hey, did you know that Mariska Hargitay is Jayne's daughter? (How did we survive before Wikipedia?)


Gotta go with Sophia this round-That photo says it all.

But beynd the photo, Sophia remains utterly and absolutely fablous.

Re: the photo being a publicity stunt, Wikipedia says that Jayne did it intentionally to upstage Sophia at a dinner in Sophia's honor. So I suspect Sophia's facial expression is the real deal. (And what a face! Have there ever been such beautiful eyes in the history of the world?)

Sophia, no doubt.

If Sophia can beat out Audrey, she can sure as hell beat Jayne.


Sophia. I'm sorry but... no contest.

Oh...back in the day when no one had to wonder if "they" were real or not! Sophia, please.

Audrey is dead? Noooo!

This is a hard one, but I'll go for the underdog, Jayne.

I want Audrey back.

Despite the fact that she killed my beloved Audrey, there is no doubt that Sophia should reign supreme in this one.

Sophia Loren. Hands down.


Sophia. Nuf said!

oh please... it's an insult to sophia that she was put in a contest against the tasteless jayne mansfield. that look says it this - your nipples are about to show, bitch, i can't believe i have to sit next to you.

I thank Jane for Mariska (love her), but I;m still going with Sophia. She is absolutely fabulous! Not to mention, she's going to be in the movie NINE this November with the love of my life, Daniel Day Lewis.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh GOD!!!!

TLO!!! How could you do this to me?????


But you are dirty, dirty bitches for making me choose!

Sophia, of course!

Well, if Audrey's gone, my vote goes to Sophia. Let's hear it for brunettes, please.

It's me, Anon 12:08

I'm changing my vote:

JAYNE, damnit!

The Girl Can't Help It!

Sophia all the way. She could destroy Jayne and her giant rack with one glance of her eyes. As demonstrated!

No question: Sophia.

It HAS to be Sophia.

There is just no choice in the matter.

Sophia, no contest. Most beautiful woman ever!

Easy. Sophia.
(But sobbing over Audrey.)

Sophia all the way! No contest!


She gave us the beautiful and talented Mariska, after all.

Poor Jayne, when I look at her I only feel pity.

Sophia makes me wish I was a man.

I vote for Sophia.

Y'know, for having size 40 DD BEFORE there was silicone (and knowing how to work 'em), I'm giving it to Jayne.



Jayne deserves some sort of award for being able to walk upright, though. Check out "The Girl Can't Help It". Her waist is about 15 inches!!!!!!!

mummy needs champagne

Oh, Sophia, all the way. The woman cooks, slings the bitchface, and was on the Pirelli calendar at age 72.

Most of us probably couldn't do it all, but it's something to dream about.




Poor Jayne, she just doesn't have a chance. We'll never know how her career might have - um - developed.

Oh gawd, Sofia Stuzzicandenti, for the love of pasta!


As someone else said, if she trumps Audrey, she sure as heck trumps Jayne.

Never have seen that picture before- for that alone I go with Sophia.

I am devastated to see Audrey go, but there is no question about this one...


la aterciopelada

Yikes! For a moment I thought it was Marilyn and I panicked. Fortunately, the agony of a Sophia v. MM showdown is not at hand. This one is simple - Sophia.

PS Yay! I was hoping that pic would be included. Never ceases to make me laugh.

Sophia! no question!

Sophia Loren. For so many things but especially for that last photo. Her icy glare could stop a freight train.


C'est moi, c'est moi Lola

My vote is for Sophia for every reason I stated last time, and...

OMG, it's battle of the boobies!

I would have liked to have seen a Mamie vs. Jayne showdown, but too late for that.


So glad the insipid Audrey is gone. She just never quite did it for me.

And come on - this is no contest. Sophia all the way!

Sophia, belissima!

"Girl, Please" Sophia all the way. I don't think this is even a contest.



Sticking with Sophia.

What do you mean Audrey is gone??? Is there a way she can return?? *HMPH*

Fine, then I choose Jayne, just to be contrary. I really would choose Sophia because there is no contest here, but she killed Audrey, so I am choosing Jayne.

It looks like a runaway, but just in case, Sophia! Alas, poor Audrey. LUV that last pic.


Jayne. Only she would have the balls to wear a dress like that in the first place.

NO WAY should Jayne Mansfield get this one. It's Sophia all the way.

I have to give credit to Jayne for evoking that look of envy from Sophia. Anyone who can do that gets the win.

NO. NONONONONONONO. Audrey cannot be dead. You dirty, filthy bitches.

FINE. If that's how you want it, I'll go with Sophia, but only because a blonde could never top a brunette in my book.

UGH. I am disgusted.

Sophia. Again without a doubt!

I want to vote for Jayne for her boobs, but that would be wrong, right? So I guess I'll vote for Sophia. The bitch has had a hell of a career and is still working.

SO glad Audrey is gone. I've never found her he least bit compelling and don't see what all the fuss is about.

Sophia! Love that last photo. She's already winding up for a backhanded bitch slap!

Dahlings, it's definitely Sophia.

Too easy. Sophia. She has an Oscar...and everything else.

I've never seen that photo. Thanks for the laugh.


Ughhh! With Audry dead, my heart is no longer in it.

So I'll be pissy:

Signora Loren, se per favore.

As much as I love Jayne, I have to vote for Sophia in this one, solely based on the quote, "Everything you see I owe to pasta."

We Italians have to stick together. Besides that, we're taught how to give that look at a young Sophia for the win!

Please. Sophia. No contest.



Jayne is great in The Girl Can't Help It when she faux sings.


Noooo, not Audrey!

Sniff. Well this one is easy, Sophia by a mile. She would have got my vote last time had she not been up against the incomparable Ms. Hepburn.

Sophia hands down. That picture is the epitome of Bitchface. Angelina and Reese WISH they could have that as down as the Divine Ms. Loren.

I love SVU too, but it goes to Sophia. Jayne was just a pretender. With huge, huge tits.

Gotta go with Sophia. What a gorgeous picture of her.

No contest.



Jayne. No contest,

her daughter looks SO much like her.

Despite Jayne's obvious attributes (and they are impressive) it's all Sophia all day for me.

While I'm thankful to Jayne for giving us her fantastic daughter Mariska,

it's Sophia FTW.

p.s.-Every time I've seen that infamous candid shot I've debated over which one of the ladies was being more bitchiful at that moment.

Sophie just plain kicks Jayne's ass.


It's got to be Sophia...she just exudes class and sexuality. And poor Miss Mansfield just exudes, well, boobs....

Already voted.

Just want to say it's too freakin' weird to see Audrey taken down.

I was SURE she was going to go all the way, at least to the top three.

I say: sudden death match.

You know, I'm beginning to think it's time for the referees to stop this fight!

Did Jayne exist in PB (pre-bra) times. All I can think of is "cow" when I look at her. She needed to reign those things in!
I think Sophia felt the same way and her look was pure disgust.

Sophia FTFW!

How could it not be Ms. Loren?

Well, I just don't understand about Audrey, but in the Sophia v Jayne contest, Sophia by a mile.

anonymous 1:38 said credit to Jayne for evoking that look of envy from Sophia

Not envy. Condescension and disdain. Easy choice between the genetically (by the 1950s standard of beauty) gifted and a gifted actress who also happened to be sexy and gorgeous.

Ms Loren for the win!

Sophia Sophia Sophia

i like jayne she is the best because mariska is her daughter and i love mariska is law and order svu the new season of svu starts september 23rd 2009 the new episode is called unstable

Mansfield. Simply in honor of Audrey.

Sophia's death look took my vote. Sophia ftw!

I love Jayne, but the vote's gotta go for Sophia.

A friend of mine took the uncropped photo of the two of them at that party and did some Photoshop, managing to drop me in on the other side of the table, smiling at the camera man!

to quote QueenCaroline:
"Bitchface like that cannot be taught. I bow down before it." (FAB wording!)

Sophia of course.

Gotta be Sophia. Jayne is only hot. Sophia is hot, cool and cold.

Ragazzi! Bella Sophia!

Oh, Sophia for sure.

Sophia! Jayne is fun and all, but a legend she ain't.


Holy Shit! That photo is spectacular. That face could crumble sky scrapers. I love her ;)

Sophia FTW!

If Jayne didn't have to pat herself down to find the smoking laser holes left on her by that look of Sophia's, it was a damn miracle.

The Italian Goddess, FTW. Ciao, darling!

Jadine, honey: Sitting those two together was obviously a publicity ploy/stunt -- but Sophia's facial expression is as real as the ... on Jayne's frontside. One of my (and everyone else's) fav pics, ever.

Sophia! With genuine sympathy for the Janynemeister.


C'mon, can't a cheap blonde get any love?


Sophia. She could play class or trash.


This comment has been removed by the author.

Dudes, don't you know that Jayne Mansfield was a genius and spoke like five languages?

Jayne for the win. She could just make that grating sound from "Rock Around the Rockpile" over and over again until it either exploded Loren's eardrums or drove her insane and off a cliff.


Got to be Sophia!!!


The legendary Sophia Loren for the win!!

She could kill Jayne with just that look.

I am brokenhearted over Audrey's demise. I must take a moment. Um. Okay - Sophia, of course.


Audrey's dead?

No vote for me, then.

Boo to all of you!

Put me down for Jayne. There is a sweetness about her she also married Hercules, her photo got Hugh Hefner hit with an obscenity charge -- and she gets dramatic death points,

Jayne. The bitch is fabulous!!



Sophia, darlings!

Sophia is the better actress and the bigger legend and all that, but my heart goes to Jayne. I just love her over the topness (and in THAT picture, that's putting it mildly!).

Mostly, I miss how my late, lamented friend Fred could do her fire siren wail from Rock Around the Rockpile. We would have convulsions of laughter over that.

For Fred, I'm voting Jayne.


" BrianB said...
Sophia is the better actress and the bigger legend and all that, but my heart goes to Jayne. I just love her over the topness (and in THAT picture, that's putting it mildly!).

Mostly, I miss how my late, lamented friend Fred could do her fire siren wail from Rock Around the Rockpile. We would have convulsions of laughter over that.

For Fred, I'm voting Jayne.


Aww, that's sweet, BrianB. It made me tear up a little.

Another vote for Jayne.

Sophia :)

Sophia, hands down.


The fabulous Sophia!

Sophia, no contest on this one.

much as I nourn Audrey (and love Mariska, for that matter), there is no contest here....


*mourn* of course (can't be expected to spell bfore noon on a Saturday)

love you guys!


nice find on the photo, gave me the giggles

Once again, put me down for Sophia!

Ms. Loren. So not even close.

YES! As much as I love me some Audrey, I'm happy that the woman who said, "Everything in life I owe to pasta" won out over a woman who was practically a string of spaghetti herself.


Sophia Loren. Oggi, domani, sempre!




Jaysus, those things are about to pop out into her teacup!!

Sophia. Of course.

potty mouth princess


Jayne knew how to market herself and made the best of a B-list career. I cannot, in good conscience, vote for the woman who spoiled my fantasy Hepburn/Hepburn final.

Jayne has no shot in Hell, but I'll throw a vote her way.

Go Bette Fucking Davis.

Audrey. I just can't let go.

How can you look at that photo and not vote for the fabulous Sophia?!

Oh darlings, I can't believe it. Rest in Peace Audrey!

Well, I still have to vote for Miss Loren, I'm afraid...

Sophia, of course. Look at that. Bitch is doing a staredown.

No more Audrey?

Then I'll add to the landslide: Sophia.


You shame Miss Loren with this comparison.


La Sophia. Senza dubbio.

Well, I would probably sell a kidney to be either one of them, but I HATE girl on girl hate so as gorgeous as Sophia is, I have to go with Jayne here

I have to agree with quite a few of my fellow posters and go with Sophia because of that bitches are going to regret posting it!

Sophia Loren

I saw Jayne just because I'm PISSED that Audrey lost! if either were still alive today they wouldn't wear the crazy taffeta confections that Sophia is so found of! She was sexy once but her scary old lady person ruins the past!


Although she didn't really need my vote to take the crown.


Sophia, Sophia, Sophia!!!!

And my GOD, I love that last picture.


Needless to say... Sophia!!!

Jayne is the street version of Marilyn... what a waste of time hahaha

just kidding!

Sophia! Like Lilia B said, even if I hadn't already decided on her, the LOOK in that last picture would have decided for me. LOVE it!

Gotta be Sophia! Bitch looks DAMN good for being as old as she is now, and that picture just kills!

Jayne! Because
a) I feel kind of bad for her being matched up against Sophia Loren
b) I love Mariska Hargitay
c) I really do think Jayne is beautiful
d) Her tragic and untimely death is saddening
e) She was smarter than people give her credit for, but acutely aware of why she was famous
f) Sophia Loren, though fabulous, kind of scares the hell out of me today.

I do love that picture, though.

When I was 11 years old, my mother took me on my first plane ride, from Minneapolis to Milwaukee. I remember that I got airsick and threw up in one of those convenient bags, and... I saw Jayne Mansfield! My first movie star, riding down the escalator at the airport, surrounded by her entourage, all arranged picture-perfect for the press. Very impressive. But for some reason, I can't recall what she wore. Something white, I think. And very tight.

Oh. Forgot to vote. Normally I'd say Sophia but since Jayne was my first brush with fame, I'll have to vote for her. Jayne FTW!

potty mouth princess
7/25/09 3:08 PM I'm with TLo. YOU KILLED AUDREY HEPBURN, you BITCHES!!!!!!!

Jayne knew how to market herself and made the best of a B-list career. I cannot, in good conscience, vote for the woman who spoiled my fantasy Hepburn/Hepburn final.

Jayne has no shot in Hell, but I'll throw a vote her way.

Go Bette Fucking Davis.

You're about 2 years too late on those choices, hon.

Sophia, without a doubt! She's a panther to Jayne's sad kitten.

Sophia. Again, no contest!

As I type between sobs (why not Audrey? why?!), I must admit to being Team Sophia on this one.



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