The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011
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Virgins v. Vixens


Alright, alright. We've neglected our virgins and vixens and left them hanging for almost a month, it's true. We are hanging our heads in shame. But truly, we tend to get bored with the one-sided bouts rather quickly and honeys, this one was a BLOOD BATH.

Alright, alright. We've neglected our virgins and vixens and left them hanging for almost a month, it's true. We are hanging our heads in shame. But truly, we tend to get bored with the one-sided bouts rather quickly and honeys, this one was a BLOOD BATH.



GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA IS DEAD.

Now, look. Don't blame us for this one. You guys were so red hot for Gina in the previous matches that we thought going up against a bigger star would be a snap for her. Sadly, we over estimated her popularity and there's nothing left on the mat but a torn bathing cap with a missing flower. Ciao, Gina.

Now we're in a bit of a spot here. We've gotta find bitches strong enough to go against a star without breaking out too many of the big guns yet. We've given up on trying to predict which way you fickle ladies are gonna vote, so we're just gonna have to wing it.

You tell us, bitches: is it a bout or a bloodbath as...




MISS SHIRLEY MACLAINE

re-enters the ring in a fetching little dress to take on ...



MISS JOAN COLLINS,

dressed like a whore.


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129 comments:

Oh, this IS a toughy!

I'm going to go with Shirley, though. All that past life experience gives her the slight advantage.


OH Joan no doubt. She is giving us angles, face and as Tyra would say she is talking with those eyes!


Joan, Joan, Joan,


I'm surprising myself by leaning towards Shirley on this one.


Oddly enough, I vote Shirley. I spent some time going back and forth, and Shirley pulled me to the virgin side of things.


I have to go with Joan. She came to our film festival a few years ago. My roommate who is an artist had painted her portrait; when he went to have his picture taken with her she scolded him for wanting the picture with a drink in his hand. He was thrilled for days, "I got yelled at by Joan Collins" .


I'm sorry, but Joan has just become a caricature over the last few decades....gotta go with Sister Sarah on this one.

A virgin who turns into out to be a vixen in disguise???

How can you go wrong there?

Shirley all the way!!!


I'm surprised to see so many votes for Joan! Well, count one more in the Collins column. Shirley never did anything for me.


Give my Shirley the wiiiiiiiiiin!!!!


All I know about Joan is that she was on Dynasty and that I had to explain this quote by her for extra credit on a final exam:


"It's like the Roman Empire. Wasn't everybody running around just covered with syphilis? And then it was destroyed by the volcano."

And so I love her.

Joan!


Shirley has more talent in her virgin little finger than Joan does in both her shoulder pads.


While I was voting Joan anyway, the quote in Ricky's post has simply sealed the deal.

Joan!!


Shirley for the win!


Tom In Chicago

Shirley MacLaine.
From "The Trouble With Harry" to "Steel Magnolias". She can do it all.

It's past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don't understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT'S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can't you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!


Shirley has my undying love and devotion.

SHIRLEY FTW!


Shirley owns Joan Collins. And so does June Allyson.


Shirley, definitely. I never thought much at all about Joan Collins, she always seemed like a B-movie actress to me.


MacLaine all the way. She is more brash than Joanie.


Joan Collins for the win


Shirley!


Okay, Joan, but I'm deeply conflicted.


Whorey is not fabulous.
Shirley. Shirley. SHIRLEY.


JOAN JOAN JOAN ... if only only for her portrayal of Evelyn Nesbit, a girl that managed to embody both virgin and vixen!


Shirley. How can you even ask?


Totally Joan! She has sort of lapsed into a caricature but I always get the impression that she knows it and just goes with the flow.


Just watched a crappy movie this weekend -- The Women -- and the nemesis said that, "When Steven doesn't like what I'm wearing..." line to Meg Ryan. So I'm going with Shirl -- but couldn't you have found something less wimpery? She was quite good in Cannonball Run.


After watching June slap the crap out of Joan, I feel like I should vote for her!

However, Shirley was in way more good movies than Joan and made some crummy ones seem better than they were. Sorry, Joan.

BrianB


shirley fucking maclaine.


Shirley. Because What a Way to Go (at least I think that's what it is called) is one of my favorite movies.


Yay The Children's Hour! Lillian Hellman, where would we be without your Pinko, liberal writing? Or your mayonnaise.

My vote's for Shirley. Always.


Shirley shirley shirley!


Well of COURSE she's B actress, but I vote Joan! For slinking herself into that black dress, just for starters.....

random thought: where the hell are June Allyson's bangs? Doesn't she always have bangs?


Shirley, by a mile. And besides, she has much better taste in siblings.


Joan!


Shirley! Shirley! Shirley!


Crazy-ass Shirley for the win.


Oh for the love of Pete, how can you even ask?

Shirley of course. No contest.


I've watched quite a bit of Shirley's movies, but none of Joan's...

So Shirley it is :D


Joan, Joan, JOAN!


Shirley, but pretty much only because of her oscar. This was tough.


My vote is for Shirley. Tough one to choose though...


C'est moi, c'est moi Lola

*gasp* I'm torn. Shirley's got the goods, but you don't f*ck with Joan.


Alright, Shirley. I can watch her movies more than once, while I only really love Joan when she's trying to rip off Linda Evans' weave.

But Shirley WILL have scars & bruises after this one!

I hate to see how tough this gets once the big guns come out...


Oh please...Shirley would clearly beat the crap out of Joan anyday of the week. Not to say that Joan wouldn't put up a fight, but Miz Maclaine would surely come out victorious!


Anonymous 9:09 said:
Just watched a crappy movie this weekend -- The Women -- and the nemesis said that, "When Steven doesn't like what I'm wearing..." line to Meg Ryan. So I'm going with Shirl -- but couldn't you have found something less wimpery? She was quite good in Cannonball Run.

---------
The "new" "The Women" is an absolutely dreadful remake of 1939's "The Women" with Rosalind Russell, Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford, Paulette Goddard and other real acresses. Still one of my favs, especially the fashion show in color. Actually the remake with June Allyson and Joan Collins was kinda bad, but not half as bad as the latest one. Surely not enough to make me even think of voting for Joan instead of Shirley!!!!


I voted for Gina last round...
But Shirley beats Joan this round.


Shirley Shirley Shirley!


Shirley Shirley Shirley FTW


Oh darlings. No contest. Joan freaking Collins rule all. I would happily let her slap me repeatedly and throw water in my face =)


Give me Wheeza anyday.

Shirley for the win!!


La Maclaine. More talented, better looking, and her independent Personality with a capital P has lasted through so many twists and turns. Makes Ms. Collins, however good at what she does, seem a little bit of a one-note.

oh, and StkrShock, could not agree more about the 1939 version of The Women. On my personal top ten list. And, as you note, it had "real actresses."


Ha, Shirley for the win. Because she's awesome, and because she was also awesome in several other lives. Joan Collins? Phhhtt. Cheesy, and did nothing much but swan around in big shoulderpads.

Shirley!


AHH! Tough choice.
I'm going to have to go with Shirley, though. She's a classic that's hard to beat.


Amanda in Austin

Shirley all the way. Joan gets the nod for being campy fun, but Shirley has chops. And an Oscar, right?


Aw, I missed V.v.V. And this is a TOUGHIE!

See, not many women can pull off a dress with a big-ass bow on the back, but Joan is working that thing like a 9-to-5. And nobody did a hair-pulling, bitch-slapping girlfight better.

And Shirley, well, she has an Oscar, a Hitchcock, a Wilder, and is completely batshit insane. And she can sing and dance.

Ooooooooooooooh, how fun would it have been to see Shirley MacLaine vs. Leslie Caron?! I know they're both virgins, but come on! THAT would be a bloodbath.

God, this is tough. I go with Shirley. Sorry Joan. As Fran Kubelik would say: Shut up and deal.


I vote Joan as she's still able to rock a turban AND shoulder pads with conviction.


Shirley, Shirley, SHIRLEY!!!

Wasn't Joan engaged to little brother Warren at one time?

*whew* Dodged that bullet!


Wow... surprisingly, I find myself going with Shirley. I just can't imagine Joan winning this one, although I think it'll be close.


BTW, could the resurrection of the Vixen vs. Virgin be due to Warren's birthday? (March 30, 1937)

I think that TLo should have a Master vs. Mimbo contest after this, just with a better title than the dumb one I just made up.


This is a tough one for me.

Shirley is a tough versatile broad but we know Joan has plenty more catfight experience.

Plus Joan has done virginal successfully playing Edith Keeler in Star Trek.

Actually I vote for Joan since even if Shirley dies she'll just reincarnate and come back.

BTW I loved it when Shirley, Joan and Debbie Reynolds (another quintessential virgin) all performed together in a tv film and they diva'd it up at a gay club for their fans singing Get Happy

FRank


Sorry Frank, thinking of another movie!


BTW I loved it when Shirley, Joan and Debbie Reynolds (another quintessential virgin) all performed together in a tv film and they diva'd it up at a gay club for their fans singing Get Happy

FRank

These Old Broads, written by Carrie Fisher

It also featured the one lady who would slay every single one of these ladies with one broken hip tied behind her back...Dame Luscious Liz!


Nah.

I'll still take Shirley.

Everybody wants to take a whack at Ouiser!

SisterZip


Okay this is a tough one, but there are two things effecting my decision. 1) Joan Collins, while fabulous campy fun, always feels like she is being a character, there is no "real" Joan Collins. Shirley on the other hand is herself and doesn't give a rats patootie what people think of her. Love it.
2) I would give this to Shirley for Ouisa Boudreaux alone, and that isn't even her best movie, but that character slays me.
SHIRLEY FTW s'il vous plait!


Shirley. If Sweet Charity gets knocked down, she'll immediately reincarnate herself and kick Alexis' ass.


Shirley!!! Plus, she's got a hot brother.


Joan was fab in Star Trek (always gets points for me), but I have to stick with Shirley FTW based on a broader range of talents.


Oh, honeys, this is no contest! Alexis Carrington Colby all day and night!!! Joan wins, hands down!


Miss Beatty, please.


Formerly Anon said:

oh, and StkrShock, could not agree more about the 1939 version of The Women. On my personal top ten list. And, as you note, it had "real actresses."

March 31, 2009 10:31 AM

----------
Absolutely! I think I have watched that movie no less that 50 times. Loved the Countess..."Lamour, Lamour" and "Get me a bromide with a gin chaser!".
And weren't all the clothes magnificent?? I think I'll pop the CD in again today!!!!
Sorry, TLo, for getting a bit off topic, but those of us who love this move, love talking about it!!!
;)


Man, oh man...tough, but I have to go with the young Joan on this one.


StkrShock said...
Formerly Anon said:

oh, and StkrShock, could not agree more about the 1939 version of The Women. On my personal top ten list. And, as you note, it had "real actresses."

March 31, 2009 10:31 AM

----------
Absolutely! I think I have watched that movie no less that 50 times. Loved the Countess..."Lamour, Lamour" and "Get me a bromide with a gin chaser!".
And weren't all the clothes magnificent?? I think I'll pop the CD in again today!!!!
Sorry, TLo, for getting a bit off topic, but those of us who love this move, love talking about it!!!
;)




Sorry TLo, but I gotta add my two cents, too. Absolutely LOVE the original movie, and hate the fact that Hollywood insists upon remaking these movies.

And now they're doing a Wizard of Oz remake, too???? And Bonnie and Clyde with Hilary Duff???????UGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!

You guys have got to resurrect Musical Mondays! teehee...


Hope you feel better, ladies!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo


Shirley!!!


Shirley no doubt in my mind.


Shirley for the win! She could snap one of Joan's geriatric bones like a twig!!!


Shirley!


I already voted for Shirley, but gotta say, nothing I have seen of Joan's work (not even her vaunted Star Trek appearance) can hold a candle to Shirley in "The Apartment" alone, not to mention "Terms of Endearment," "Steel Magnolias" et al.


Claws out, fur flying, wigs akimbo, this contest is worth the price of admission, but after going twelve rounds there can be only one survivor.

Shirley FTW.

Far more range, real talent, moxie and more. She can sing, dance, act, hold her own on screen against the big boys and apparently has more lives than most cats.


Oh, please. If this is not another bloodbath then something is seriously wrong with the gay water supply. Shirley Maclaine without the slightest inkling of a doubt.


Listen, all this talk about The Women...
Have you ever done a V v. V with Norma Shearer v. Joan Crawford? A special "Women" edition?


Joan !
Yes, Shirley can act circles around her but out of these 2 clips, gotta go with the vix.
The writing was fabulous and her delivery was PURRFECT.


Joan, just because I love turbans.


honesty not pc

Jesus boys....I don't know. thats a hard one.

I am still going with shirley.


potty mouth princess

Alexis Smlexis.

MacLaine and her 50 lives all the way.


I vote for Joan.

Oscar Awards are more often than not a joke. It hardly ever goes to a truely Great Performance because Oscars are Of The Moment, more of a who's-hot-now-and-who's-not type thing, and Great Performances take time to percolate and seep into and permeate the Cul-cha.

~Zombiebirdhouse


See, I love me some Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan.

Wow, do I miss Dynasty!! I know that I wasn't the only 10 year old child watching that show back then.

Long Live, Ms. Collins.


another laura

Thanks for bringing this back, guys!

Shirley, please.

For many of the reasons stated above, plus, let us not forget that she used to be Thomas Jefferson.

Virginal and batsh!t crazy!


Joan Collins FTW! I will take camp over talent any day of the week.


This is hard. Ummm. I guess I'll go talent over brass - Shirley.


I'll stick with Shirley.

-Iris


I saw Joan in a revival of Private Lives in London many years ago and she was surprisingly funny and good. HOWEVER, she is still not nearly good enough to take on La Maclaine. Shirley is not only talented on a lot of levels, but she is also CRAZY and would totally cut Joan. Or one of her past lives or something like that. Shirley for the win!


Shirley!

Altho that scene is so tragic, I can't stand watching it.


I'm confuuuuuuused. The star of Irma La Douce and Sweet Charity is a virgin? I mean, I know she was a vixen with a heart of gold, but still.

Anyway, I'm still voting for Shirley. Joan Collins is, well, regrettable.


Sorry Shirley.... Joan Collins ALL THE WAY!!


fashionablylate

Oh, I've got to go with Joan on this one - she's just too deliciously VIXEN!


This is a tough one.

I'm going to have to go with Shirley only because she's tons more talented acting wise IMO.

I think Joan knows how to work the camera and her body & face, which is why this makes it more difficult.

But talent wins out in the end. (Must be all those extra lives she had to learn her craft.)


Shirley FTW!

Still sad about my girl Gina getting killed though :(


I can't believe this is even up for debate. I'm gobsmacked! S-H-I-R-L-E-Y


Joan, but only dressed like a whore.

:)


This isn't really fair, guys. Shirley is a much more talented actress, but Joan is Joan, you know? It's kind of impossible for me to compare the two.

But I'm going to have to go with the talent over the attitude. Shirley it is.


Tough one, but I'm going to go with Joan on the basis of sheer will.


Shirley.

At this pace, how long till we get to Audrey vs Marilyn?


Maybe in 1 of your next lives, Shirl.

La Collins (who can still work a stilleto like nobody's bizness!)
F. T. W!!!!


it's about time.

Shirley... without a doubt.


Shirley FTW!!!!


It's always Shirley! It's just how I roll. Go Shirley!!!


surely you mean shirley.


Shirley.


I love Audrey too. So, Shirley.


"you are too twisted for color TV...have your roots done".
Ouiser all the way! Go Shirley!!


Shirley. Even though this isn't her most fetching role.


Shirley Shirley Shirley!


Shirley!


shirley shirley shirley!


I think I knew Shirley in a past life, so I have to vote for her.


Shirley!


Shirley, for the balls of being in the Children's Hour and being a rockstar besides.


What's the count so far?

It's looking neck and neck, here.


Joan FTW


Shirley!! Who could not only rock a turban as well as Joan but could do it in a hospital bed ("Postcards from the Edge").


Shirley. Joan's still striking, thanks to plastic surgery, but Shirley can take down a pack of pitbulls with one finger. Besides, she has more talent.


Joan!


IT'S PAST TEN! GIVE SHIRLEY THE VOTE!


Late to the party as always... I have to give credit to Joan for going so far with nothing more than attitude and shoulder pads. But Shirley is on a whole 'nother level. She's up there with Kate Hepburn for me. So Shirley for the win.





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