The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011
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Michael: Two thumbs up.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

To be honest, we don't have much to say about Michael this week, but since he's the only designer we haven't mentioned, and since he did produce a hot outfit, it's only fair we pay him his due.

The seersucker cargo pants look great. Minor quibbles: not too crazy about the sleeves on the shirt and all the extraneous strappy things on his pants. Overall, it's a great design and perfectly executed.

The great thing about Michael is that he quietly goes about his business producing great-looking garments, keeping the drama to a minimum and just being an all-around gracious contestant.

Whether he's "caucussing" with Tim, or teaching Kayne how to walk "like he means it," or rooting for his co-designers or expressing dismay over another designer's auf'ing, he's the best the show's ever had in terms of his behavior and damn near the best the show's ever had in terms of his design abilities.

And only he could make the thumbs-up with the double-click look cute.


Kayne: I'm in the Moob for Love

Monday, September 04, 2006

That title is the one and only man-boob joke we're going to make because we love Kayne and he had a shitty week (again) and former fatboys are always fighting the boobage factor and we totally sympathize.

So there.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Elton Johnny Cash!

Oh Kaynebow, our cold, bitchy hearts once again grew ten sizes as we watched you flail about in water over your head. We just wanted to take you in our arms and pat you on the head (without messing the hair, of course) and tell you that it'll all be alright just as soon as you get some taste.

To be fair,
it was a well-constructed outfit, although we didn't think the pants were very flattering. But hey, your ass looked great!

We are of course still rooting for the last standing gayboy in the competition, but when he revealed his muse, we knew it was going to be painful.

Tara Reid, Kaynebow? Tara "Frankentitty" Reid? Oh, honey. We just don't know what to say to that.

By the way, how adorable was this:

Hip-Hop vs. Hoppity-Hop!

It's always hard to watch when a designer thinks he's producing something great, only to have his confidence beaten out of him by the Bitches of Fashion.

Jetsetter! Paparazzi! Fabulous!

Something stinks and it ain't me.

Back off, bitch. I let you have the paper dress, but I'm done explaining myself to you.

(P.S. Tim, what products are you using? Because we would KILL for skin like that.)

Jetsetter! Paparazzi! Fabulous!


I hate this bitch.

Jetsetter? Paparazzi? Fabulous?

Even zo I am wearing zee upholstery fabrique zat makes me look like ze couch, I am still a thousand times more fabuluz zan you, you reediculuz fairy.

I hate this French bitch.


Mr. Crankypants.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

What was up HIS ass this week? He won the last challenge and then he flew first class to Paris and yet he was moody as hell.

That last one is a little scary. If we were Nina, we'd start carrying pepper spray in our purse. And when we say "pepper spray," we mean "a gun."

Okay, let's talk about the outfit.

Jesus, cheer up, Moody McLithium!

Anyway, we weren't as annoyed by this outfit as some people were. When Vincent was describing what a "jetsetter" looks for in clothing (it needs to travel well), it all clicked for us. Vincent doesn't approach a challenge from a design point of view; he approaches it from a potential retail point of view. It seems like every challenge he undertook started with the question "How do I get this on the rack at Barney's?" And hey, that's a completely valid (if pedestrian) way of approaching fashion, but as the Duchess reminded him, this is a design competition. There wasn't much designing going on here. He basically made the exact same pants he was wearing, just in black. And the top couldn't have been less interesting. Plus, it didn't fit him well.

And would it have killed him to suck in the gut while he was on the runway?

Oh, it is ON, bitch!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Ours was funnier.

And we are so much prettier than her!

Uli, Uli Oxen Free!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Okay, we take it back.

We said last week that she'd made us believers but we're having a crisis of faith, y'all. Because that? Butt ugly. Yes, she "really knows prints," but she doesn't have to invite them all over to the same dress. That is just way too much, M├Ądchen.

It didn't help that she marched down the runway like she was looking to kick the cameraman's ass.


Dress Form Drama

Friday, September 01, 2006

There were some mighty scared looking mannequins on the runway this week.

Pickmepickmepickme! I'll shut up I promise! Promisepromisepromisepromisepromise!

It kind of sucks for the models this season, doesn't it? We hardly get to see them at all and how many have been eliminated for a design they never modeled? We want model drama, dammit! Give us the days of Morgan wearing Kevin's bathing suit out for drinks or sobbing in the hallway enveloped in Wendy Pepper's deviously maternal bosom.

Which is why this tableau filled us with such glee.

Amanda: *shriek!* OhmiGOD! Ohmigodohmigodohmigod! Hahahahahahaha! I'm in!
Nazri: ...
Clarissa: ...

Amanda: Hahahahahahaha! Oh god I have to pee now. Look! I'm doing a little dance! It's the "I'm in" dance! I'm in! I'm in! Ohmigod you guys, I'm in! Can I just tell you how relieved I am?
Nazri: ...
Clarissa: ...
Jia: ?

Amanda: *gasp!* OhmigodIcan'tbelieveit. I can't BELIEVE IT. Can you guys believe it? I was totally scared that Kayne wasn't going to pick me because he said I talked too much which I totally don't think I do but he's just pissed because I can talk faster than he can and anyway he's so competitive but he's also under a lot of stress and besides I can't talk bad about him because HE PICKED ME and I will love him forever for that even though I think he might be gay but don't tell him I said that. OhmiGOD, I'm in!
Nazri: ...
Clarissa: ...
Jia: ...?

Amanda: Whew! Gotta fan myself! I was sweating out there! But! I'm in! No more sweating for me! Except if Kayne fucks up the next challenge but you guys, I am totally going to work the shit out of that thing whatever it is plus I will not talk too much when he's fitting me and trying to glue the glitter on or whatever because hello! He's trying to work!
Nazri: ...
Clarissa: ...
Jia: ...??

Amanda: Whew! So! What's up with you guys?
Nazri: ...
Clarissa: ...
Jia: Speak...slowly...please?

Koo Koo Ka Choo, Mrs. Bennett.

Thursday, August 31, 2006




That's a level of hotness that doesn't even require verbs. Just walk up to her and go "Girl! Fierce!" and then snap once, jerk your head around and sashay away.

We weren't sure about the color until we saw it on her. Gorge! With the red lips and the orange hair? Bitch creates her own accents. And how nice to see her move slightly away from her safe zone. More, please.

Also, Sweetie, wear your hair down once in a while. You've totally got that kitten-with-a-whip thing going on when you do. No wonder Mr. Bennett can't keep his hands off you.

In fact, we could only think of one thing when we saw you last night.

And bitch, that is some high fucking praise coming from these two fags.

Angela's Asshes

Thursday, August 31, 2006

This is the story of a little girl who went to Paris.

And then quickly spun around and went home when Paris kicked her out.


We're exhausted. You guys rip it.

Seriously, what else is there to say? Her auf'ing was a little harsh (Catherine Malandrino - ouch! Claws in, FiFi!) but this was long overdue. She can sew the hell out of something and she definitely has an aesthetic but we (in PR parlance) "question her taste level."

Oh who are we kidding? We don't question it at all. She has terrible taste. And what's more, she is obsessed with her area. It's all very "Everybody Poops" or "Girls have a bagina!"

We get it, Angela.

It's an ass. Congratulations. We've all got one.

Still, we have to say she conducted herself reasonably well against Peanut's increasingly disturbing anger and we're not such cold bitches that we didn't feel a little ping of sympathy at the callousness of her auf'ing. But, that's fashion. Harsh, but fabulous. You bust your hump churning out garment after garment trying to impress the People That Matter and just when you think you might have a shot, some Eurotrash bitch calls you tacky and your ass is back off the grid.

There's a lesson in there for all of us.

Peanut Prevails in Paris!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Believe it or not, we're happy for him.

Similar to the situation with the Kayne/Miss USA challenge, this was an instance where the challenge was so matched to the sensibilities and strengths of a particular designer that if he couldn't win it, he should just pack his bags and go home. This outfit was definitely jet-setter, paparazzi-friendly and totally Jeffrey. Perfect.

You can take the sock out now.

BALMAIN for women

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